No Strings Attached

As usual I am a walking contradiction. At my core I crave stability, i want to plant roots, have a favorite grocery store, know the people at the local liquor store (just kidding) but seriously I want to be comfortable and familiar.

On the other hand I have this POWERFUL urge to throw out all my belongings. Old books, and other shit I have managed to salvage through my annual or semi annual relocations. I think it would be liberating to have no strings, no things to cling to, no memories, and no more heavy boxes to move.

Then I think don't those things bring me any joy or comfort? I have to say no because they have all been in boxes for a year. Last Jan i moved in with a highschool friend closer to the Law school. I stayed there for six months then moved in with my boyfriend and have never unpacked. So since I havent seen these things in about a year why not toss them? Will it make me feel more empty or free? I'm scared to find out.

Tired of being so charming

Sometimes I write my blog posts on a word document then I cut and paste it. It changes things somehow though and I don’t really like it…but I’ll do it anyway because I’m at work and a blank word page is less conspicuous than a blogger template.

Today’s topic is not new to anyone who reads this blog—awkwardness. Again. I somehow attract awkward. Every size, shape, and form of awkward is drawn to me like a magnet and just like a magnet it sticks to me, sometimes draining me of life. It is absolutely exhausting dealing with socially inept people. Most of the time I find people’s idiosyncrasies utterly fascinating but sometimes I want to scream in agony. Can I be the silent one at dinner please???? Just this ONCE!

I was blessed with this uncanny ability to make people comfortable in my presence. This includes the strangest people you encounter in life. The egotistical, the snobby, the dorky, the smart, the shy, the boisterous and all those annoying people you think were either raised by wolves or abandoned in an alley. I study them carefully and try to understand them in as few minutes as possible. Then I ask probing questions next thing you know I have their entire life stories laid out before me. My victim becomes transparent and vulnerable and then inevitably in love with me. People love to talk about themselves and it is a surefire way to get people to like and respect you. Care about what they say and how they say it and take the time to understand them. THIS IS EXHAUSTING!!

My boyfriend is extremely eccentric, most of my friends are very eccentric, and I just want to blend in for a while. I don’t want to have to read 300 news articles, watch 10 movies, and come armed with an evening full of conversation topics. I just want to sit back and let my charm take a breather. I want to observe, listen and lay low. When all of your friends have socialization issues you are fucked. You have to lead the conversation, keep it interesting and make sure there isn’t too much dead air. Honestly, I have no problem sitting with another person and not saying a word. I go to lala land and get lost in my thoughts because I am NOT awkward. In fact I’m quite introspective and self absorbed. I can keep my self entertained with no TV, no radio, no computer---just me and my thoughts……for hours on end. However, this is not acceptable behavior at a dinner gathering or other social event.

This rant is attributed to a 5 day vacation that I am going on with a group of people who don’t seem to warm up to each other and the conversation is always lacking. I’m on doubletime with this crowd and I’m dreading every minute of it. I’m already stocking up on conversation topics and I’m already tired.

OH AND DID I MENTION THEY ARE IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS AND IM THE ONLY ONE NOT IN THE FAMILY? Yes, that makes it even worse!

on love by one of my best guy friends...

"I heard something very intersting on the Jesus Christ show 11:25 AM

Sundays mornings KFI I think 6 or 7am to 9am 11:25 AM

really wierd 11:25 AM

but he was talking about love 11:25 AM

and how love now a days is what do I get out of it 11:25 AM

and is it fair 11:25 AM

then he described the relationship between a human and a pet 11:26 AM

how people think that dogs are serverants 11:26 AM

but really u are a servant to your pet 11:26 AM

you feed them 11:26 AM

walk them 11:26 AM

pet them 11:26 AM

play with them 11:26 AM

and ask nothing in return 11:26 AM

we just love them 11:26 AM

and they love us back 11:26 AM

its a two way servant relationship 11:26 AM

where nothing is really expected 11:26 AM

and both parties are happy 11:27 AM

That's how love should be 11:27 AM

both should give 100% and expect nothing 11:27 AM

and receive everything 11:27 AM

but its not like that 11:27 AM

i'm not like that 11:27 AM

I give 11:27 AM

but I expect in return and get mad when I don't receive it 11:27 AM

ergo cancelled valentines day 11:27 AM

would I do it all if I knew I would never receive anything in return 11:28 AM

no 11:28 AM

why 11:28 AM

not sure 11:28 AM

it creates resentment 11:28 AM

it creates selfishness 11:28 AM

and people start to with draw from each other and keep score 11:28 AM

almost ties back into Kurshnimarti 11:29 AM

teachings 11:29 AM

if you gave 100% urself 11:29 AM

and asked or expected nothing 11:29 AM

how would he look at you, treat you, love you? 11:29 AM

u never no 11:30 AM

but its scary to think of even going half way their 11:30 AM

but you know it would feel so good if someone loved us that way 11:30 AM

we would be so happy 11:30 AM

and so confident and comfortable 11:30 AM

we would never think of infedility on their par 11:30 AM

t 11:30 AM

I guess the only way to be loved that way is to love that way 11:31 AM

don't think people are made that way 11:31 AM

so then it comes down to negotiation, what are you willing to give to get what you want 11:31 AM

and what are you willing to give up 11:31 AM

not love 11:31 AM

almost like a business negotion of the heart and sole 11:32 AM

and we all want more than we can afford to loose or give up 11:32 AM

ergo the failure of relationships, love and family in our society 11:32 AM

the end 11:32 AM

I hope your reading all of this "

Overheard/Seen in/at law school

On a dirty truck "WISH MY GIRL WAS AS DIRTY AS MY TRUCK"

Prof. Civ Pro: "I have a Magnum flash drive its 124 gigs, its a chubby little sucker. What size is yours?"

p.s. there are way too many trashy people at my school, Im starting to wonder...?