Still Raging

You know what, I have a bad day here and there and I get through it. Most days are better than good but when they are bad, they are really bad.

Today my girl bff told me she saw LSBoy on a dating website. FURIOUS is an understatement, use some discretion idiot.

I truly hate him right now. He waited 4 weeks before going on the hunt for the next piece of ass?

Would you be mad? I'm mad but not sad--I don't want him back but I did expect him to mourn the loss of me. Guess I'm just another notch on his belt. If my shit goes missing or gets thrown away this will get ugly. V E R Y ugly.

Pop Culture and New Adventures...mostly rambling

Wow! Who knew--all this interesting stuff is going on in the world. This is what I just finished reading:

New York Magazine: which taught me about beautiful properties in the Hamptons, dark lipstick is back "in" Mathew Maconaughey is a wonderful Dolce & Gabbana model, Tiffany and Michael Kors have some super cute new stuff out

O the Oprah Magazine: yes I know, I'm not a drinker of this Kool Aid but I have a lot of extra time on my hands now--surprisingly this magazine wasn't full of her propaganda. In fact the theme of the issue I just read is "Adventure" and I must say some of the stories were outright inspiring.

For example this girl, Catherine Price took a trip to Tokyo without researching or using a guide book. She relied strangers by showing them questions she had typed on note cards in Japanese and English. What an adventure!!! I am on a tight budget but it is taking everything in me to not pack up my car and just start driving somewhere.

This is relevant to me because one of my biggest set backs is my inability to handle spontaneous events. This is problematic because as a lawyer you have to be ready for everything. In fact the job is all about swinging at fast balls all day long. I have to plan everything, and I do it carefully. God forbid something doesn't go according to plan, I will melt down. My new belief is this is one of my biggest problems, letting events and people define me--instead of just existing and being myself.

Then I accidently bought a Jewish magazine, not that i have a problem with that--because I don't. Anyway, there was a wonderful article about forgiveness written by Rabbi Rami Shapiro "The Essence of Forgiveness." Here is my favorite quote:
"Most of the hurts we experience are not meant for us. They are by-products of the suffering others are feeling. The truth is that most of the pain and suffering we feel isn't directed at us at all." Focus on forgiveness as an attitude!

Chanel No. 5 is kind of great. Chanel Jersey, not so much. Aqua di Gio needs to be outlawed, I hate that shit. Oh it's been one month and one week, I sort of missed LSBoy yesterday. Mostly I feel relieved still and sometimes angry. Thanksgiving was great my brother made the whole dinner and it was absolutely fantastic.

"Accidental" text

Have you ever sent out a text then realized later you sent it to the wrong person. Or have you ever sent out a text on purpose to make the receiver think it was an accident?

I got this text last night from LSBoy: "Going to bed so early?...Goodnight, sweet dreams"


You are probably thinking, is this some kind of bad joke? That's what I thought, right before I went fucking psycho on his ass.

I said: "Wrong girl, idiot. Delete my number from your phone RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND, so this doesnt happen again OR ELSE i am going to ruin your fucking life, do NOT test me."

He said 3x: "JD!JD!JD!"

I said: "I will repeat this ONE MORE TIME, delete my number from your phone or I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE."

Don't think his ex girlfriends, or his parents or their parents want to see what I have of them. Think, Paris Hilton...That's right you fuck me up like that and I WILL GET REVENGE. But today I decided living well is the best revenge, he's an idiot and some other chick can have him!

That's all. HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

The Rage Lives On--But Stella will get Her Groove Back, Believe That!

First of all this bitch here is kicking ass and taking names in law school and my boy bff whom I will hereinafter refer to as R, said, "Im glad you are finding more productive ways to stroke your ego." DAMN STRAIGHT. Instead of going boy crazy like I did as a young gal, I am busting my ass at work and school and that shiz is paying off. I feel so good about myself AND people are noticing. This learning to love me stuff is really fun, if you have the courage, patience and wisdom to do it.

Not to say Im out of the woods entirely because today when LSBoy flaked on me for the FOURTH MOTHERFUCKING TIME to bring me the rest of my shit. I. almost. killed. this. dude! I told my boss she may have to bail me out tonight. FUCK! Same shit, he is so UNRELIABLE. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO PUT SOME CLOTHES IN A SUIT CASE AND PUT IT IN MY CAR?!?!?!? THAT GUY CANT GET SHIT DONE E V E R!!! I was so furious. Why can't you go somewhere and fuck yourself, while I pick up my belongings?!? Why? Do you think I am going to steal from you? Do you think I care if I see some panties lying around? I DONT FOOL----I LEFT YOU! Shit man.

So, I flipped the fuck out and R tried to wire me money to buy clothes because I was saying I'm sick of wearing the same 4 fucking outfits I packed when I left a month ago! But of course I wouldn't allow him to do any such thing, but what a guy, what a fucking thoughtful, considerate guy! Fuck!

So today was the Case Management Conference before the honorable hotstuff (I have an old man fetish) anywhoooo--after I flipped the fuck out on LSBoy via IM, I decided to take my sorry ass home, shower, hair, makeup and ironed my fucking stupid lawyer looking shirt-went to school-and argued the shit out of that case and WON! Thats right kids, my client got her job back, 100k and attorney fees. LSBoy, my partner in this project, just sat there looking bored. GAWDDDD! I was on fire though!

My sweet angel girlfriends said when I was done, "You look so beautiful arguing" I have never had a greater compliment! AND hotstuff only talked to me, he ignored LSBoy because I think it's pretty apparent that LSBoy doesn't do shit.

Long, boring story later, He managed to pack my car with some clothes and my beloved purses, I almost feel whole. I just need my shoes and my jewelry and then Stella will get her groove back, oh yeah--watch out!

Peaceful..that's all

Today I am going to the bookstore. It has been a few weeks since I have graced it with my presence. The wardrobe for today will be warm and super cozy, I'll grab some coffee and spend hours lost in books. It truly is my favorite thing to do.

Before LSBoy and I started dating I was kind of miserable, so I can't blame him entirely. In fact I have battled with depression since I was about 11 years old. My belief is that we are mostly a product of our environment and them our biological make up just tops it off. The problem is that LSBoy exasperated my misery and did not foster growth, which was not his job anyway. Truth be told we were broken in a lot of the same ways. In fact his mother reminds me a lot of myself and his ex girlfriend is like my younger twin sister from a different life, it is very odd---except she appears to be normal.

My mother was an orphan, a real one. My father wanted to save her. He knocked her up at the ripe old age of 17--and then there I was. She didn't know how to be a mother, she didn't want me. According to my lovely family members who share the tragic stories with me, like it is not me they are talking about, she tried to give me up. The family folklore that was my childhood,is that my dad wouldn't allow her to give me up. From there I remember a lot of verbal abuse and neglect. But you know what, everyone has a story! EVERY PERSON ON THIS EARTH HAS A STORY. My story is no better or worse than anyone else.

The problem with MY story is that I was weak and I allowed my upbringing to kill my self esteem. I believed them when they told me I was a piece of shit, I believed them when they told me they wished I was never born, and I believed them when they told me I would never amount to anything. It wasn't strange to me that I didn't have to do homework. My parents absence in my life was normal to me. NO parent teacher conferences, no soccer games, no girl scouts or cheer leading---nothing. Coming to school late or not going at all was no big deal to me. There was no accountability. In fact I'll quote my mother, "What you do in high school will never matter later in life." I took those words literally and became a juvenile delinquent.

Those stories--- I wont share, but lets just say I was a very bad little girl. SO WHAT! LET IT GO, MOVE ON. Ok, I will, I am going to try. The thing is when I'm feeling inadequate or insecure it's not like I sit down and think, "you only feel this way because your parents were assholes, it's not your fault." That is not how my mind works. The feelings and thoughts are ingrained in my soul, my being--it is how I define myself. One has to physically work to get the false beliefs to the surface and destroy them. OR, you can live on, being self destructive and hating yourself. I chose to destroy them and I'm ready to work and fight to find out what a normal me is like.

To their credit, my mother has become a wonderful woman. She is the best nana a little kid could wish for. And she is sorry, and she didn't know any better and I forgive her. My dad, well I forgive him too, mostly.

Ok thats enough-- but that is why Im going to the bookstore because it makes me very very very peaceful. I'm hungry to be happy and I think my soul is ready now.

The Work Girls

Today as walked like a human hurricane, like I always do, face down, feet moving fast, I noticed all the chicks in the community break room. The smell of their greasy food and the sound of their chitter chatter and giggles reminded me of "the work girls." When work is your life, you work 8-5, go home, watch tv, go to sleep and do it again. Not go to work, go to school all night, and study in between. (Thats my life for the past 3 years)

God I miss that...For my own narrcissistic pleasure I will document the series of work girls that have crossed my path throughout the years...I don't think my future profession allows for the comraderie of "work girls" it's more like the other bitch attorney down the hall...and we both think each of us is smarter AND cuter than the other.

So Lets See.....

Work Girls Pager Store: Three girls, two older and one my age. We got pretty close but my first memory of work girls is when I was 18 so my memory is foggy.

Work Girls AC Co. #1....
This is where it really began, I was 19 years old and messed up. I was like an orphan and these women took me on, groomed me, taught me how to be a lady, and how to file. I feel like this was a seminal time frame in my life because the people that worked here including one of the owners, took a special interest in me and pushed me to start school again, fix my credit, and stay sober so I could remain employed... We had so many traditions, eating donuts every single day, christmas parties, birthday parites, ordering breakfast, ordering lunch. Candle Parties, Saturday night RAW wrestling LIVE! "Can you Smell what THE ROCK is cooking!" I can't explain what I feel like inside when i remember this stuff. During this timeframe "The Ex's" brother died and "The other Ex" posted a fucking sign on the corner where my job was located that said, I LOVE YOU JD, LOVE "THE OTHER EX." I found out from the work girls, they called me at home. I drove my ass over there so fast and ripped that thing down. It was on the corner of a major intersection. It's a great feeling. Those women really helped shape me. I love them all.

Ok, I'll spare you...the MLaw Ladies are equally important but I've blogged about them in the past, if you are curious. Then there are the AC#2 girls but they were all assholes except one. There was a lot that went on during that time too. Ill blog later...

I bored myself already.....

When the Newness wears off

They say it takes between 4 and 6 weeks to kick a "habit." That thrill of the new life and the new things that happen as a result of kicking a habit just goes away. It's not fun after that.

My recent breakup was just as anti climatic as our whole relationship. No drama, no tearful reunions---nothing. So here I am, home on a Sunday night feeling a little restless, bored, and just a little off. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the situation. In fact the longer I have to think about it, the more sure I am that it was for the best. But now what? Time to start planning some new goals and forcing myself to keep busy. Go to the gym? Anything. I need to go to the gym.

My guy BFF#2 who is also my roommates BFF since 7th grade :) told me a bunch of nice things about myself. And the thing is I truly DO NOT hear or believe him. He says these things and I think he is just trying to be nice. I really need to learn how to believe in myself and change my self concept because maybe I am as great as he says.

Last night BFF#2's husband must have told me 100 times "I can't believe how beautiful you are." I know this sounds weird and wrong, but it was innocent. I took a lot of time to groom myself last night. These two young boys (23) years old were also gushing over me. The thing is, my behavior and response to them probably screamed, "IM UGLY WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME!!" And we all know that's a huge turnoff. So somehow some way I have to feel pretty inside so when people compliment me I can take it the right way.

I am not beautiful, trust me. But when I try--really try I can look pretty good. But it's makeup and hair. Natural me is just blah. I feel so conceited writing this. I'm just thinking how LSBoy never once told me I was beautiful, nor did he ever verbally compliment me. It made me feel VERY ugly. Your boyfriend is supposed to make you feel like the prettiest girl in the world! Because in his eyes you are. I missed out on that.

Best....Hopefully last...Conversation EVER

So you are going to think I am a huge hypocrit but I caution you to remember that my insights, if you will, come from hindsight. The mistake was made and quickly fixed. Exactly 7 days after LSBoy and I broke up was the pinnacle of my sadness. My feelings were all over the place and my judgment was missing in action. I called "The Ex" and I also called "The other Ex" my two old boyfriends. Can't tell which of the two outranks the other but I was with both of them simultaneously throughout my life and also separately.

Both of these poor fella's have some strange attraction to me. Either of them, at any time would drop everything to do what I wanted them to do. However, if either of them were mine exclusively the affinity would die in a matter of months. They are both addicted to me and we are all toxic for eachother. Anyway..............The ex and The other ex run in circles that sometimes overlap. And unfortunately for me last night they did just that, overlap. This led to the following conversation between "The ex" and I.

Last Night from The Ex: I HATE YOU

Next Morning
Me: Why? What happened?
Him: jk. I just wanted attention last night, good thing you didnt respond. What are you doing?

Me: Going to BFF#2's GMA's 90th Bday party. You should call your girlfriend if you need attention, just saying.

Him: Tell BFF#2 I said Hi. So I was told something that bothered me last night by the fat plumber. He said that you called "the other ex" the same night you called me, and I did call my girlfriend fyi.

Me: Ohhh...I beat you at your own game, lol! And fyi I called "the other ex" before I called you. And our mutual friends told me that you are a liar and you cheat on your girlfriend all the time, you were just playing the good boyfriend act to get down my pants, nice try.

Him: Im not playing games, and now my feelings are hurt. Now I know why we dont talk, you are a bitch, and you are mean spirited.

Me Dude you need to be real...for just once in your life. You lie, you Manipulate, and you always cheat. I feel sorry for your girl. you are gonna fuck her head up when she realizes what a dick you are.

Him: my girl is just fine. we have an awesome relationship.

Me: Ok, well, Im just being honest with you. You are a liar. And yes I am a bitch but I aint no dummie. PEACE

Him: Peace

Him: Fuck off!

Me: Lol, Ok!

Red Flags revisited and the Anger Stage

Today was a very important day for me. It was the day that my case was up for oral argument before the honorable hotstuff. I worked DAMN FUCKING hard on my motion and I worked damn fucking hard all semester to do everything perfectly. Because I am the only person in the class with real legal experience I had a point to prove...and LSBoy knew it. He knew how hard I worked to win.

Unfortunately, my law firm consisted of LsBoy and I. Have no fear--- I always have a plan B. I arranged for the division of the work in such a way that did not require any collaboration between him and I. In other words I did all the work. The only task for LSBoy was to do the oral argument based on my Motion for Summary Judgement. Big surprise 20 minutes before class this fool texts me saying he doesnt have my motion.He "left it at work." Meaning he has not even read it. Therefore, how the fuck was this idiot going to argue my points. Livid is an understatement.

Then just when it can't get any worse the Judge calls our case first and LSBoy has not even arrived to school yet. Which also means he hasnt read my motion yet. He comes fumbling through the door in a panic and lies to the teacher saying he just took his cough meds and he needed a minute before he could argue. Here's a tip asshole, vacuume once in a while or dust or clean up your filthy house then maybe you would be able to breathe. I digress.

We go up for argument and this fool pulls out his phone, the judge says, "Excuse me Mr. LSBoy do you need to make a phone call?" Fucking moron. He says, "NO I want to record myself." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? RECORD YOURSELF MUTILATING MY ARGUMENT AND FUCKING OUR WHOLE CASE UP. Needless to say I had to step in here and there to button up THE MILLION HOLES in his argument. I have never been more happy I left him. Now for the redflag revisited...

When LSBoy and I first started "dating" if you want to call it that, since there were no dates involved. He would coerce me to come to his house under the auspices of "borrowing a book." This was second semester of law school; therefore, my enthusiasm and obsessive need to be prepared for class had not yet worn off. But stupid ass idiot me would let him borrow the book in exchange for him doing the briefs. That fool shows up to school LATE with my book and NO BRIEFS! He didn't even warn me so I could copy someone else s. Inconsiderate, unaccountable, and totally unreliable, selfish asshole. GOOD RIDDANCE. My motion won by the way, no thanks to his stupid ass.

ANGER STAGE, I THINK... and now for ONE glass of wine. Goodnight kids :)

On the Rebound!--Who? NOT ME!!

Break up and call an ex or “the” ex call someone….QUICK, ego is broken need to fix it ASAP! Not me! Over the past three years I have received about a half a dozen calls from ex boyfriends who have found themselves single again. Sometimes guys that blew me off for another girl call me when they are done with that girl. Every once in a while I would have a short chat with these guys but at the end of the day why would I want to be the fall back girl? The girl who fixes, albeit temporarily, the bruised ego of some stupid guy? To put this in a different perspective, I have been vulnerable, scared, sad, angry all of those things during the past two and a half weeks but the thought of calling an ex is not appealing to me because to me it’s an insult. “Hi, I haven’t talked to you in a while, or I left you for someone else, but now I’m alone …are you available to stroke my ego?” It’s weird how age gives you a different point of view on things.

You will all be glad to know that I have not broken any of my promises to myself. I have not been self destructive by ANY means. In fact I have been healing and reading and loving myself—a lot! Maybe even spoiling myself a bit but who cares, I deserve it and it has been way to long.

Today I told my very good friend a story about a book I am reading called psycho Cybernetics and the theories of visualization. I explained to him that in my law school bar prep class each of the assignments I have turned in have been CRAP! The teacher was actually concerned about my writing etc. But the other night I visualized my teacher saying that my paper was the best. I visualized it in a very detailed manner. Guess what!!!! Teacher passed my paper out last night in class as an example of a good analysis! Amazing, right? Ok…so no news is good news. I’m not counting days anymore and I’m not holding on to hope for a love that never was. Moving on and moving up—all on my own!

Sentiment-"A romantic or nostalgic feeling"

Most people "going through" a break-up experience this dreadful feeling of nostalgia over E V E R Y single person, place or thing that they come across during the healing period. What if that doesn't happen? What if maybe you say certain things because it's automatic but you don't reallllly feel it?

LSBoy and I spent almost 3 years together and we did A LOT of "projects" together. He purchased multiple homes, which we renovated and rented out. Hours and hours and hours of hard fucking work. Tearing up floors, granite, fixtures, paint, landscaping, you name it we did it. BUT we did not ever have "moments" there was no gazing into eachother's eyes, no butterflies, no moments in time where I experienced that connection that fills you with love and makes you crazy. How fucking sad is that.

My sister currently lives in one of the homes LSBoy and I renovated and she is going to purchase the home. However, she made a comment yesterday that she wouldn't buy the home if it would make me uncomfortable. In other words she wanted to make sure that I could be at her house without being miserable. I didn't even hesitate...Of course not! I am totally comfortable here.

Don't get me wrong I feel lonely--at times. For example last night I was very lonely but instead of being self destructive and going out to drink and flirt with random guys---I stayed in with my sister and went to bed early. Woke up bright and early without a single regret! Thank god!

Sometimes I wonder if I say "i'd move mountains for him" or that "I love him with all of my heart" just because I should feel that way. You see LSBoy has changed me. I have learned so much practical shit from him. He was a loyal friend and he took care of me when I was in a VERY dark place. I sometimes wonder if that dark place was exasperated by our relationship--in fact I'm pretty sure it was. LSBoy is a gentle person, he is a genius and he would do anything for anyone. But he can't love. He is incapable of experiencing intimacy. I guess he doesn't care because he doesn't know what he is missing. It was brought to my attention that based on his extraordinary skills in EVERY single thing he does, and his robotic emotional reactions he may have Asperger syndrome. Well, I am grateful to him for all I have learned from him and I still do not know what the future holds for us,if anything. But I wish him true love, peace, and happiness.

His & Hers- Moving On- and Generation Jersey Shore

So far I've lived at my new home for 3 days and it has been perfect. Just enough interaction with the roommates to not feel lonely but still have my privacy, and also still give them their privacy. My room is SPOTLESS it has become an obsession after living in pure chaos for so long, I knew that would happen. I need to get a few more things then it will be my sanctuary. The ONLY problem with this house is the his/hers everything. Every item in this house is x2 one for him and one for her and thats how my house was, so that makes me sad.

I stopped counting the days that me and LSBoy haven't spoken. I saw him in class last night and he flat out ignored me or maybe I flat out ignored him--not sure. That is shitty but oh well. Neither him nor his mother contacted me on my bday so I'm guessing they took the "hate JD" route as a coping mechanism. Which is sad but it kind of shows me what kind of people they really are. There is no reason to hate me I did everything I could and I still love that guy more than he will ever know. BUT I can not disrespect myself and be untrue to myself, I just cant.

This jersey shore mentality the young one's have right now is quite disturbing. I'll elaborate later. For now Im going to get in the shower and make myself look normal for the first time in who knows how long. Here's to moving on....