Sunday Means Day 9

No crying today, yet. Spent the day moving from my bff's house to my guy bff's house. Then went and got my sheets, pillows and other stuff to make me cozy. Then to target bought all the household items a roommate should chip in on. That way if he runs out of papertowels or something I don't have to worry about it. See I am a live on eggshells kinda gal, which usually sucks. But maybe now you can see why LSBoy's obliviousness to other people's needs was such a deal breaker for me. You should take a shot everytime I type "deal breaker."

Not ready to face the new roomies yet Im afraid I'll cry and I don't want to keep bringing everyone around me down. The problem with me is that I don't like to, nor do I let myself, "FEEL." I'm usually numb (depression). Right now I am raw, sad, vulnerable, angry and super annoying to be around. So here I am....at my office. Did I mention tomorrow is my 33 birthday? Did I mention that 33 is my favorite number. Who cares right.

I must say I have a solid group of friends who know how to cheer me up just when I need it. Their attempts are futile but hey at least I feel loved.

Why was I depressed you ask, well for 1. I don't really love myself and never have and for 2. when you don't love YOURSELF you can't love others (hence the breakup) How does one love themself? Or try to, or start to? I think it starts with NOT doing the things you hate about yourself. Therefore, I need to set boundaries with myself, because I can be quite impulsive and self destructive when I am emotional---which is exactly why I try to remain numb (it's safer for me and everyone else).

Here are my boundaries (at least the one's I am brave enough to admit to here)

1. Two glass of wine minimum--with phone in other room (I don't drunk dial LSBoy but I sure harass the hell out of everyone else--no matter what time of day or night)

2. No dating until after the Bar exam So in August I'll date (This should be easy)

3. No more blowing off my homework, the mourning time frame is officially OVER-Ill be a functional hot mess

4. Stop looking like I rose from the dead (DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP YOU FREAK)

5. Start excersizing when I feel crazy (should be easy too)

6. MAKE AMENDS WITH MY DAD AND GPA (HARDEST PART OF THIS ALL) but those two men love me more than any man in this world ever will.

7. Be comfortable being alone---you were alone most of the time before anyway

8. Quit wishing magic would happen

Thats all for today, except...dont buy Kelly Clarkson's new CD! I already hate that girl but I took a risk and fuck that cd SUCKS ASS. I'm sad but I aint no man hater.

xoxo

Why Does He Have YOUR cat

Well, this breakup has been coming for about a year and each time I got closer to leaving he would try his best, in his robotic way to persuade me to stay. He constantly worried about losing the cat. You see this man isn't capable of loving a person with his whole heart and soul but he is able to love animals that way. And the love he has for my cat is something you would imagine a mother would have for their child. I love him, I didn't want to punish him and lets be honest, it's much harder to find a place to "crash" with a cat in tow.

LSBoy is able to shut me out of his heart and move on but he wouldn't be able to shut the cat out. He needs my cat. I love my cat but I just shove the pain to the back of my head, and try to forget. Wish I could do the same about him, but I guess with time I will. Some people just don't have it in them to fight for what they love, OR maybe he didn't love me the way he led me to believe that he did. Whatever.

Big Day

Moving in with my old roommate/bestie guye friend since 8th grade and his lovely girlfriend. Gotta go get some sheets and blankies! Then I HAVE TO catch up on my homework. This outta be an adventure!

Day 8

I think I cried in my sleep. Im still crying. FML! I wish he wouldve fought for me. Each day that goes by without communication I realize how unimportant I was to him. All I wanted was for him to clean the god damn house and hold my hand some times.

I wouldve moved mountains for him.

Deal Breakers-Stay Strong

1. too many unnecessary unfinished projects
2. spending thousands of dollars on sale items to resell and then never reselling them
3 No passion
4. No romance
5. critical of my decisions or how I handle my affairs
6. Always forgets he is supposed to be on my team
7. not affectionate
8. Never kisses me
9. Not warm
10. Not sociable
11. Messy
12. Needy

This isnt working, I miss him so much.

Suck Ass Kind of Day

There were several melt downs that occurred today. It all began on my way to work, out of the blue that wave of heartache swept over me, next thing you know--my freshly applied makeup is smeared and all over my face. Great! I didn't sleep well last night.

Then around noon, my next breaking point, I get several school related emails from LSBoy and a phone call from my estranged Gpa. FML! Melt down two occurred in the Taco Bell drive through--lost my appetite real quick.

These break up books are all the same, which means two things-- either they are all copying each other or there are just certain things that help everyone, generally, cope. One thing that is pervasive throughout is that you shouldn't doubt breaking up, if you did it, then stick with your decision because otherwise you are being untrue to yourself AGAIN. I feel very vulnerable and lonely today. If LSBoy were to call and say hey bitch get your shit, Id probably say, "YES ILL COME HOME FOREVER RIGHT NOW." WHY?!? Because it is safe, it is familiar, it isnt't my friends couch, my cat is there, my shoes are recorded, and my old best friend is there too.

Tonight I'll make a list of all the deal breakers the serious ones, not shallow stupid ones, but the one's that you just CANT live with no matter what, and I'll carry it around so I can look at it when I'm feeling weak. It's not that I worry about ME calling him because I would never, but if he called or texted or emailed me I don't think I could ignore him.

Truth is, his "ways" made me very cold towards him, I never shared my life with him, I did not confide in him, and when I did he threw it in my face later. We did not have an intimate connection. We had some weird, connection because we had the same first car, the same scar on our hands, the same kind of mother's, and the same feelings about rights of passage. But you know what----------I never, NOT one time looked him in the eye while......

That says a lot, to me it does anyway.

Self Destructive Behavior--Does Reading Count?

Do you think a trip to Barnes n' Noble e v e r y single day is problematic? I am on my 6th break up book. Certainly I am almost over it, right? Maybe, because I am getting sick of myself. The problem is that I still have one more adjustment to make it through. I am currently staying with my friend and I will be moving in with my old roommate on the 1st. Scary.

String cheese lasts forever,right? I hope so, and I guess we will find out cuz thats all the bff has in the fridge, that and a budlight. Should cure my insomnia. Feeling drained but can't sleep. So the dryer has been going since I got home from school at 8pm around 9 I started to wonder why the dryer was still running. Finally, at 11:49 pm I decided to do what any reasonable freeloader in the same or similar circumstances would do, and investigate. Because this morning when I tried to dry the wrinkles out of my slacks for work I couldn't get the dryer to turn on to save my life. Went to work wrinkled so what--I have like a 2 week free pass to be a total slob, emotional, irrational, crazy biatch. I digress. I opened the dryer and found it FULL of clothes, not just any clothes but EVERY single color tank that EXPRESS has ever sold. WTF! She has sooooooooooooooo many tank tops. Whatever easy to fold. Maybe she had the dryer on so the clothes wouldnt wrinkle but man I folded the shit out of those tanks, she is solid and I also ate the shit out of that string cheese.

My goal right now is to set up a sanctuary in my new home. Specifically, my bed. I want a feather bed, I want a cashmere comforter, ok maybe not cashmere but I want the softest, warmest, most comfortable bed and pillows on the market. I never slept good at my ex's, he was always cold and I was suffocating, the bed was not soft and he always stole the covers. This shit is no joke, I'm ready to put myself in debt over this. Ok, I won't go that far but believe this...I will be hitting up every home goods, and all those other linen outlet type places. If you have any ideas, I'd be grateful.

Cheers gonna drink this beer in one sip and hopefully sleep.

p.s. I still miss u qp but this is what is best :(

Dear QP

By Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you


And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you


Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I


Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I


Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you




Read more: COLDPLAY - FIX YOU LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/fix-you-lyrics-coldplay.html#ixzz1buqC2huV
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Day 6--Im breathing

What a fucking roller coaster! I've read just about every break up book on the planet; none of which address the Dumper's role in sufficient detail. It is an obsession of mine to be able to predict outcome's. What is the next step? Is it normal that I am laughing one minute and desperately crying the next? The hardest part of all this is that no one is begging me to come back, no one is promising me the world, nothing...no communication at all.

Here is what I have learned from all these damn books: Heartbreak/heartache makes you feel again in a very raw and real way. Everything is relevant, you become very present.

"Everyone and everything you encounter becomes a part of your heartbreak by reminding you of your loss, sadness and shame..and every single couple in every sin single song, movie and tv show points out either the impossible beauty of love.... The whole planet mirrors your sorrow and there is nowhere to hide...everything becomes very personal and intimate" Susan Piver

You lose control of your mind (gasp) You are stuck in traffic, in line at the grocery store or just sitting at your desk and suddenly this wave of sadness overcomes you and the tears CANT stop, no matter what. You want to be alone but you CANT be alone because then you are stuck with your thoughts.

The thing is the love that these books talk about or the loss thereof is a passionate body and soul connection kind of love. I did not have that. My ex was incapable of that body and soul connection. You have to know him to understand what I mean. I knew he loved my because I could see it in his eyes plus he treated me very well. I, on the other hand am driven by passion, it seeps out of my pores. (Scorpio through and through) Everything I do, I do passionately. My light has been extinguished for about 2 years. I wouldn't want someone as passionate as me but I would want someone who would be inspired (not intimidated) by my drive and accomplishments and who could at least be passionate in bed. We all have deal breakers.

Where I am at today: Still feeling guilty for being peaceful, when I am peaceful. Worried about him, then selfishly sad that he is probably not skipping a beat, excited to be in charge of my future again, excited to chase my own dreams and have the time to do it. And then ANGRY, VERY ANGRY that he kept my cat.

Do I still wish he would call me and invite me over and everything would magically be fixed and we would kiss passionately and hold on to eachother so tight, and there would be flowers and everything would be right forever, yes.

Truth is, other than his "collection" problem and his robotic nature (no passion) he is the perfect man and I wish I couldve spent the rest of my life with him. Instead I'll move forward and find a man that I inspire and that inspires me to always try and be a better person! There are two things I believe with all of my heart: (1) If a man wants to love you or marry you NOTHING will stop him from keeping you (2) If your mate doesn't inspire you, or is not inspired by you, you are not living.

Morning Three...Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

How often does one find themselves being the "dumper" instead of the "dumpee?" Isn't it supposed to be easy to be the one who walked away? NO, because there is a lot of guilt involved.

Did I not give him a chance to respond to my requests? (is one year not enough time)

Is he going to be ok?

Should I have called him mom?

Those are just a few examples of the millions of doubts and questions than are on loop in my brain.

Here's what I did: I read Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall and some other dumb book. Dr. Marshall's book was fabulous it takes away some of the guilt because it tells me, what I already know but now I'm positive. To me if you love someone you will move mountains and fight to make it work. In my case he chose to just watch me walk away. Don't get me wrong, he asked me to stay and asked me to give him until the end of the month. BUT he made those statements with qualifications, and I just know he would disapoint me AGAIN.

Woke up with butterflies in my stomach (anxiety), then chugged two cups of coffee. Now I am here all alone in my best friends apartment, hoping and praying I make it through the day without any melt downs. The crying only lasts 15 minutes or so, then I am fine. During those 15 minutes I actually feel my heart breaking because I feel guilty and angry. Angry that he COULD NOT swallow his pride and fight for me.

Oh well. Here's to healing! Wish me luck at work and school today.

Day Two

Today I feel sad. Last night my sister and I had a few cocktails and locked ourselves in her room, turned the music on full blast and danced so long and hard I almost died! It was a two person rave! And I felt euphoric, the problem with that is coming down from that high...and here I am now feeling like shit.

I haven't gone this long without talking to LSBoy in almost 3 years. I know this is going to be a roller coaster and that is why I decided to blog about it. Make sure I get "it" all out.

So here I am, hungover and in transit to my next living situation until my final destination is ready for me to move in. Plus I have to order a bedroom set because I got rid of ALL of my stuff when I moved in with LSBoy. Big mistake.

Maybe I'll feel better later....

OH by the way I "accidently" signed up on a dating website and I desperately need help figuring out how to delete it. Dumb drunk girl!! I def don't want to date now.

How We Spend Our Days..

"How we spend our days is, how we spend our lives." Annie Dillard

For months, on the one day off I had from school, work and LSBoy I would lie in bed paralyzed. I could sleep for 14 hours, never did anything productive. So I would think to myself, is this what I need or want to do? Or am I doing this because I am depressed. Clearly I like a little down time but do I really like spending EVERY single weekend in bed, drained with no energy to do anything. And when I forced myself out, I was miserable and couldnt wait to get home.

The problem was that my house was so hard to keep clean, and there was so much STUFF everywhere, none of it was mine, it was all expensive and if I moved it or touched I would either break it or lose it. LSBoy is addicted to shopping and he has no space for anything. Despite my begging, crying and pleading to simplify our lives and to live for today instead of tomorrow--he let me go. He didn't fight for me, it wasn't worth it to him. He would rather exist in his cluttered mess full of chaos then be with me. So thats how it ended.

How we spend out days IS how we live our lifes, and I was not living--I was dying inside. Some people are NOT compatible it's not always about "giving up to easily" sometimes it just CANT work. So I predict I will become a member of eharmony in about 6 months--the prospect of TEN WHOLE LEVELS OF COMPATIBILITY seems like heaven...Even if I am getting old and ugly.

Break Up- Day One

"Making a damn fool of yourself is absolutely essential. So, whatever you want to do, just do it. Dont be stifled by fear of a good mistake." Gloria Steinmen


Yesterday, I woke up at 1:00 p.m. I only had till 3:30 pm to make my "clean" exit. Law School Boy would be home from work ANY minute. OMG, where do I start, I felt like I couldn't do anything, I was frozen. This was it, today was the deadline, I had to get up and get out NOW, so I did.

My BMW was stuffed with luggage and misc. bags and other containers I could scrounge up to collect my measly belongings. No more fancy dinners, now I have to take care of myself. He has made me handicapped in a way. Tough shit I climbed my stupid ass into the attic (which i would never have done) grabbed all the suitcases, did a couple loads of laundry and cleaned up a bit.

By 3:24. soaking wet in sweat and no shower, didn't even brush my teeth---I was on my way out. But to where? That I did not figure out yet. My thought was that if I planned something and then later changed my mind, which I frequently do, I would be embarrassed. So I went to CVS got some water, refilled my psycho meds (a must right now) and started texting those closest to me. HELP!

Last night was ok, I teared up a few times but mostly out of guilt and a little fear. Leaving a guy who has so many good qualities and has been nothing but good to me and having to start all over again at 33!

My job is about breaking up, in a way I am immune to the emotional parts of it. It's all I see and hear all day at work and it doesn't phase me at all.

Here's the thing there are some fundamental differences between LSBoy and I..Things that are so important to my CORE and my SOUL that without those things I am not living. Today I feel alive. I don't feel lonely and I may still be in shock, I don't know. What I do know are the following feelings I had today that I have not had in years:

1. Freedom-no burdens, no ties, no responsibilities other than the usual
2. The sweetest happiest giggle and smile from a baby at the library that I smiled at--pure joy
3. I walked my sisters dog to the park and held hands with my niece the whole time.
4. I had a long wonderful, loving talk with my mom
5. I ate a delicious breakfast with my sister and her family

I feel like 100lbs have been lifted from my shoulders, but that weight includes my heart and I am empty there right now. Here's to a semi painless recovery. Hope he's ok! Hope I did the right thing.

And the Tides have Changed Again...

I remember so vividly freaking out on this blog when I turned 30...well guess what I am turning 33 this month! Can you believe it! I am a bonafide grown ass woman. Crazy.

It's my last year in law school and things have clicked. Time for me to go out there and make some money!

I MISS ME.

Being in a relationship can drain you, it can literally suck the life out of you, especially if it is not a good relationship. What is the problem now, you ask...well my dearest law school boy and I have some very FUNDAMENTAL differences.

I won't disclose those differences but lets just say I am starting to die a little inside. I hate blog posts where every sentence starts with "I" but it's been a while so give me some slack.

Besides the nightmares about rats and dying animals I have been having every night I also have this insatiable craving to be free from any ties. Life is passing me by and I am hiding in this dark and dreary room. My body is sick! I haven't gotten fat but I don't have ONE muscle and I look gross and old. When I am single I am so in love with myself that I work out, eat right, and take good care of myself. I guess right now I just dont love myself. This is not what i planned for myself.

For now I'll be planning....stay posted.