Rediscovering My Womanhood and My timely Insight

First for the not so fascinating but timely Insight click here

I am 100% addicted to the Huffington Post. Mostly, because they have a Divorce column which I find to be very interesting. Ok, now that I got that off my chest on to more interesting topics.

In the past I have written exhaustively about my sexuality and how important it is to me. My last relationship was about as passionate as you feel cleaning the litter box. Actually, even that gives me more satisfaction. Anyway, this coldness made me very bitter. I began to hate myself, more than I already did, because why didn't this man desire me? What was wrong with me? This was a situation I had NEVER encountered. His excuse was "I always get like this in long term relationships." I used to tell him, "one day a girl is going to light you on fire, it's just not me for some reason." At least I was honest with myself. It can't be that he will live his whole life like that, can it? If so, man that will suck for his future wife.

Slowly but surely I am feeling like a girl again. I am learning to appreciate my curves, and my pretty eyes, and I just want to look pretty. I want to glow. So I generally try to look happy---fake it till you make it right? Well, maybe I met a boy and maybe he found a way to wake me up and maybe his attention reminds me that I am desirable. He's very cute, is generally smart, successful, older than me and is OK with the fact that I don't want kids. Most men cringe when I say that. Not to say that I intend to actually let this become anything but it is nice to be reminded that I am a woman.

Looking Back

This was the beginning of the journey, my god it's funny. I think I was a better writer before law school :/

RARE BUT NOTEWORTHY

I'm not content often. My ideas and thought processes are way too complex and I can make a problem fifty times more difficult then necessary. I briefed a "battle of the forms" case in Sales today and to add to the complexity of the case it was an MSJ and a counter MSJ. The holding wasn't about the courts analysis of 2-207 it was a denial of the MSJ's. (poor casebook editing) So when the teacher said, "What does the court think?" I said, the court thinks that there are issues of material fact and he denied their respective MSJ's. Teacher wasn't satisfied but that was the truth! The court didn't decide the merits of the case right then and there--It wasn't a trial, it was an MSJ!? Am I wrong?

My friend said I need to "watch more simple programs on TV" and "Read more simple things." WHY? SO I CAN IMAGINE HOW MUCH HARDER I CAN MAKE THEM? Teachers often comment on my exams "creative argument." This means that I don't think like normal people do, which I already knew. My fear is that this disability is going to cause me to fail the bar. How can I train my mind to "get to the point"-- as it were?

Anyway, my new routine is becoming familiar and fun- work, school, gym. It's a lot of things to do in one day. At the end of it all I find myself up late at night trying to unwind. I prefer this over sitting alone thinking up ways to be miserable!

The Yoga instructor at the gym today was a real Yogi. She ended the workout with guided meditation. It went like this: Picture a picture frame in your mind, now put the most irritating person you know in it and wish them love, joy, peace, etc. Then put the person you love unconditionally in the frame, repeat, next put your own face and repeat. Very sweet. And so there you have it--I'm feeling content right this minute. Since this minute is all that counts, I'm doing well. N A M A S T E <3

Steve Jobs spoke to me, he said,

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I feel it!!! Gratitude!

Today was great for so many reasons, simple reasons. First, I got a phone call from my client who caused me so much emotional turmoil last week...and.....THEY ARE RECONCILING!!!!! 26 years of marriage is worth it! I couldn't help but tell her that I wished her the very best of luck! She sounded surprised at my enthusiasm but her retainer is non refundable, so I'm all for reconciliation, at least in her case. On paper her life was perfect, when the divorce docs were done and ready to be signed her eyes got watery. Normally this wouldn't phase me one bit, but this particular lady seemed so unaffected and cold-- the watery eyes surprised me and made her human to me.

One of my most troublesome clients has been subjected to some outrageous allegations, which I will not go into detail about but I worked my ASS off on his defense and I think he has a very good chance at winning! I just had an overall good day today with my clients. They all love me so much and they are so nice to me--It feels absolutely wonderful to be trusted by these people. Their livelihoods are in my hands and they have so much confidence in me. It makes me so excited to take the bar, I can't let all these people down! They believe in me.

Out of the blue my best friend decided to read my blog, which she doesn't do regularly. (Shame on you!) Anyway, she reached out to me and said EXACTLY what I needed her to say to make me feel good today. She just somehow said the perfect thing and it made me so very grateful for her! I am a handful as a friend, I am very selfish with my time, and not very social. I don't think I would like me very much. That's what over 25 years of friendship gets you!

I did yoga last night and it was the perfect ending to a reflective day. A lot of shit in my head was released and today I felt so light. I just felt normal, not especially happy and not sad at all. That is the best way to be! Just to be!

I lost 5lbs! My boss is giving me a raise! AND my intern/slave starts tomorrow!

Through the depths of sorrow comes brighter days, that is for sure!

If you could only see how green her eyes are when she says.....

Today was a day of clarity for me. So many things emerged to the surface and came out of my head and onto a peice of paper. I always knew that writing makes me feel better and helps me sort out the chaos in my mind. Truth is, I am plagued by a disease--a common disease, depression. I eat clean, I work out, I'm spiritual, I generally wish others well and I try to be a productive member of society and it's never enough.


Three hours of remedies was spent just draining my darkness onto that piece of paper, I just prayed the teacher wouldn't call on me because I had tears in my eyes the whole time. But it felt SO GOOD! Who the hell am I to be sad? I have it all, people would kill to have my life and there I am --sad and ungrateful. Not on purpose though, I am sick. My mind is not well and it's not entirely within my control ALL THE TIME. Most of the time it is my responsibility to work it out and move on but sometimes it gets the best of me.


I decided today, that I need to go to therapy. Whoa big epiphany, right? Well actually it was because I finally figured out why I can not find a therapist that I like. The one therapist that "cured" my hate towards my mom is just too damn far away. But she has known me for about ten years and has saved my life twice, literally. Anyway, I figured out today that I am too smart and self aware for just any "counselor" I need a doctor, I need someone with an advanced education that can relate to my troubles and my level of self analysis. Because to be quite honest, without sounding arrogant, I have spent endless hours reading and researching different human behaviors so when a person comes at me with the hierarchy of needs or some sophomoric bullshit like that, I lose hope. So tomorrow I will find a psychologist, who at least has a PHD if not an MD. I know I can talk myself through this transition with the right "inspiration" and only a highly educated person will be able to keep up with my psycho babble. Done! Problem solved!


Next, I want to remind myself, by way of this post, of a great love I once had. I have had the pleasure of falling in love FOUR times! Which to me is remarkable considering many have never fallen in love even once. Anyway, this fella's name is Kissy Face. Kissy face and I first met in junior high school--he was a huge dork so of course I was nice to him but not too friendly. What was interesting about Kissy Face was that he was BEST friends with all of the prettiest girls--gay right? Nope, he wasn't gay, he was smart. The years were kind to Kissy Face, he blossomed, although late into a super handsome, tall young man. One day after high school I was shopping at Millers OUtpost (remember that place!!!) and he was working there. I did a double take, I was like wow, what a cutie. Mind you I went to college late in life so at this point I was at the height of my delinquency at the ripe age of 20. He walked up to me and I instantly got butterflys. It didn't take long, because I always get what I want--he became my 2nd love of my life. What reminded me of all of this is that today, 13 years later, that sweet boy still loves me.

The love that Kissy Face and I had was an all consuming soul to soul love that I felt so much and so deep that I literally cried, thinking about how much I loved him. We were 100% connected in every way. He read my mind and he loved me so much. He bought me flowers every single friday, he sang songs to me, he told me I was beautiful 100 times a day. And he was beautiful too. The problem is that I got very scared of the intimacy and broke it off. Some very tragic events happened to him and resulted in him getting involved with the wrong people and subsequently developing a serious drug addition. He even ended up If you could only see my eyes....

Here I go again...

Slipping into darkness. This shit gets old! I'm so tired of feeling like this all the time.

I work out
I eat well
I rarely drink


what more can i do...its beyond me.

You No Longer Deserve to be Pacified

This may be the single hardest part of breaking up or divorcing. This occurred to me while pondering the different ways I could manipulate my client's spouses to give them what they want. It's not that easy because once you break up all bets are off. He doesn't have to worry about dealing with you later, and to be frank, he doesn't care if it hurts you. That is the ugly truth and extremely frustrating. To go from getting what you want to getting the cold shoulder. You imagine your previous arguments and remember his teary eyes and him begging you or promising things will get better. Get over that right now, because it is not going to happen again. 80% of relationships that end and then reunite break up again within 1-3 months.

Learn to accept that you are no longer the most important thing in his life. Learn to accept that he will not give you more visitation, or support, or the crockpot- It's over. When negotiating the terms of your divorce change your frame of mine, you are now dealing with a stranger, sad but true.

Skip the Club and Hit the Stair Climber instead

Save your dignity, 1000 calories, a hangover, and you can dance while doing it. Today as I dominated that gawd damn stair climber, I realized I pretty much dance while I'm doing it. Ludacris or DEV in my ear as I fucking work that ass! It is SO MUCH FUN! The endorphins are pumping through my veins and I'm dripping sweat. It's such a high. The best part is I don't come home with a bunch of random phone numbers in my phone, random text messages, I do not sleep in my clothes and wake up with a headache! I'm old---my clubbing days are over but my dancing days will never be over.

On another note...yesterday I had client meetings ALL day lone, one after another. I left with a heavy heart and a stomach ache. This morning when I told my boss how this job doesn't usually get to me but yesterday it did, she exclaimed, "THAT IS EVERY DAY FOR ME, IT SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME." Now I get it. She spends all morning in court with these people and then meets prospective clients all afternoon. Sad story after sad story. Every single person who comes to us and wants to end their marriage nicely ends up getting stabbed in the eyeball by their soon to be ex spouse. Play nice people, please!!!! It's all very tragic. False allegations of child abuse, CPS, private investigators with raunchy pictures, nasty text messages, horrible face book posts and 26 years of marriage down the drain. THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER! I wish these people peace and I will channel my empathy towards working hard to protect them and get them what is fair.

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the death of my soul cat. Samuel L. Jackson, the cat died on this day 3 long sad years ago. It hurts today the same as it hurt the day it happened. Except it's double sad because I don't have his brother Spike here with me. LSBoy kept spike. My heart hurts for them. Oh man.....

I have been estranged from my family, except my sister since May--and my Grandma allegedly has bone cancer. My aunt called to let me know, since no one else will bother to fill me in. I called my brother, who I am also still speaking to and asked him for advice about this. He never had a relationship with any of these people so to him it's just "the right thing to do" to go visit my grandma--at least once soon. I, on the other hand, decided yesterday that my decision is to move on with my life and not look back. My family turned their back on me, for VERY, VERY stupid reasons. My Dad has caused me more heartache and trouble, and he surrounds himself with people who don't like me. Weird, right? They will not be getting graduation invites from me. Hope I don't die a lonely old hag.

Despite all this, I am really still quite peaceful. School is a lot of fun and I enjoy my job, most of the time.

Almost Gym Rat Status

Just need to get on board with the weight training. I can't seem to muster up the motivation to hit the weights. It's boring, and can be a spectacle if you do not know what you are doing. I did however find a very helpful book called The Body Sculpting Bible for Women

I have not weighed myself in almost two weeks because it is just too much of a bummer when the scale hasn't moved. My body feels stronger. My gym wardrobe has been updated and I am sleeping like a baby. So hey law nerds tell me the COA for this: Dude at gym takes pictures of girl doing the butt blaster at the gym. Girl catches creepy dude and reports it. Gym calls the cops. (this really happened today) WHAT RESULT? I was super proud that I was able to easily rationalize the analysis on this. I am curious to see what you all say. I'll post the analysis by the end of the week. It's brief but maybe I missed something, so fill me in.

Regarding Dating: well I dabbled in an online dating website for about 4 days and it was OVERWHELMING!! Wow! So many men, so many red flags, so little patience for the creepiness! D E L E T E!! No thanks.

Just dealing with the upcoming bar study/taking financial blues. This shit is no joke: $4k for Barbri, almost $800 for the bar, $150 to graduate...Other than that all is good over here in JDMaybe land!

One more law dork question, do any of you Lawyer or Law Student bloggers feel the overwhelming urge to add numbers to the left of your post and a caption and then do you want with all of your heart to justify the whole thing? Maybe there is a way to do all this?

Watch your Thoughts...

The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love Born out of concern for all beings.
The Buddha

DESIDERATA..

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Am I still in Law School or is this a Dream?

This is my LAST semester in law school!!!! It has been an amazingly long and trying journey. My whole world has been on pause for four years!! Soon I will have to be assimilated into society all over again. Bitter sweet, is what it feels like. My law school friends and professors are my family, my favorite people because I can relate to them and they can relate to me. They understand my strange rants about what is right and what is wrong--and they know a part of me that many do not. For example no-one but my law school friends know how much perseverance, dedication and drive I have or how damn hard I work. To my real life friends and family I am just simply an antisocial hermit or some think I am a pretentious snob who chose to not be around any more.

Saying good bye to this chapter feels very overwhelming. School is my security blanket. One of my classes this semester only has 7 students in it and we meet at a cafe. The teacher encourages us to have a glass of wine to facilitate more open dialogue. This is all very surreal. I am no longer the snot nosed 1L---I am the young soon to be attorney. I am speechless, do not even have a coherent train of thought. The unknown is very scary to me. What happens next?

When You Realize your Problems are Trivial

Not in the sense that you experience true tragedy or pain but in the sense that someone you loved dearly grows up to be such an amazing human being. My lil nugget is one of my "work girls" from M-Law. This lil girl was jersey shore before jersey was jersey shore--Snooky aint got shit on my lil nugget. By the time jersey shore became so popular my lil nugget had already moved on from the style of bronzers, big hair, cleavage and lots of jewlery. This little girls has always had an insatiable curiosity and hunger for knowledge and peace. Her and I spent hours walking 7 miles up PCH in Santa Monica talking and analyzing the world and human behavior.

What makes me so proud today and humble is the fact that in the four years since I have moved from LA she has traveled all over the world. Sometimes for school and sometimes for the non profit she works for and sometimes for fun. She has exposed herself to life and the world outside of the US. Today in her blog she writes,

"The more I travel, and especially being here, makes me realize my life in LA is not for me. Haven’t worried about what I am going to wear, where my phone is, all the stuff i want to buy (that I really don’t even need) and all the pretentious characteristics I deal with at home…all the stuff that feeds insecurity and what I dislike about myself, but can’t seem to escape."

I feel like part of me has given up on the thought of ever having the experiences she is having. As I have sold my soul to the devil otherwise known as SallieMae. For now I will live vicariously through her and continue to let her inspire me. The pride I feel about the big steps she has taken towards self awareness and charity literally makes my eyes water. Some people are blessings from god and she is one of them!

2012--What to do ...what to do...?

Three weeks of solitude that is what I faced after finals. Thank god Im on the last week before school starts. I just can't be this NOT busy. Having all this time on my hands leads my mind to places I swore I wouldn't go..ie.dating. Here's the thing, I can't date because I don't want to fall in love during the bar exam, I can't date because I am a fat ass, I can't date because I'm sort of still in love with someone else, and most importantly I can't date because I can't ever EVER ever sign up for online dating.

I work in family law, so as you can imagine all of my clients are newly single. That means at least 50% of them sooner or later find themselves on a dating website. How mortifying would it be if one of my clients saw me on one of those websites? I think it would be highly invasive of my personal life and unprofessional. What's a girl to do? I suppose I could get out but I do not want to meet someone at a bar. My ideal mate would be someone I worked on something with (school or work) and grew to like slowly. Bottom line is "lady bugs", lady bugs will come and land all over you while you are asleep. Quit looking for lady bugs and they will land. Except I'm not looking, I'm just worrying about looking.

I'm going to the gym, I am driving myself crazy again! :)