My Disneyland Trip and that Interview for the Fake Boyfriend

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I usually spend the weekends with my sister because she is my best friend and I can also still get my chores done.

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This time we went to Disneyland and I was apprehensive. Grown ups and Disneyland or any other childish pastime freaks me OUT! Turns out that the people were actually quite normal and nothing too strange happened. I can see why people enjoy it, the colors, the animation, the music it is all very visually stimulating. I am stimulated by different things--I am less visual and way more intellectual. I spend my free time, reading, learning and researching my other interests (besides law). Just because the whole Disneyland experience is not my cup of tea, doesn't mean I did not enjoy the quality time with the kids. It was exhausting though. Keeping track of four rambunctious kids on a super busy day at Disneyland is not easy.

Plus, the food is gross.

Recently I posted on my facebook that an invite to Applebee's for a first date was tacky. People were outraged by my ungratefulness. There are people who can't eat at Applebees, there are people who don't have dates, etc.etc. Here's the thing, there is the app you can get it on any smart phone and it is called YELP. Who knew!?!? I am a bit of a food snob in the sense that I want to eat at a mom n pop, or hole in the wall with amazing reviews. Generally speaking these secret gems are moderately to low priced, low key and offer delicious food. What is wrong with that? If a guy asks a girl out, why not put a LITTLE thought into it?

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Here is how the probably last convo with me and Benzie went:

Him: So when can I see you again?
Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I don't know what did you have in mind?
Him: Well how about you come out to Orange County and I'll take you out over here?
Me: Ok, well...I like to be outdoors if at all possible, I'm pretty active, I like golf, I want to learn chess, and I love hole in the wall ethnic food.
Him: Ok, how about we rent a movie?

Me: (to myself) clearly this fool did not hear ONE SINGLE WORD I SAID. I gave him 100 ideas to work with. He lives at the beach for gods sake, my favorite place on earth is the beach and you want to rent a movie. FUCK NO.

Me: to him: I'll get back to you on that.

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So the plan is that one day this week, I am just going to tell him that I don't want to talk to him anymore--period. I don't have time for nonsense. I need to spend the little time I have with the people I love, not with some random guy who I really don't even have any interest in. So much for trying to date.

8 weeks till Graduation! Working out is doing me good, body is getting there...I'm def. stronger and I def feel more confident..

Work: Well, you know, that's all. Got bigger fish to fry.

A Date with a "Nice Guy"

No one on the earth knew where I was going on Sunday night. What they did notice was that I looked damn good! As good as I get anyway. I didn't talk about the boy or the date for two reasons: (1) it just didn't occur to me because I really wasn't into it and (2) I'm not comfortable about dating yet. It has been about 4-5 months since LSBoy and I broke up and there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation but I still feel weird about dating. And believe me he probably has a few suckers on rotation, he probably had it lined up the next day to be perfectly honest. You know how them robots work.

Anyway, I go into the restaurant to meet him, we will call him Benz, because that is my favorite thing about him, he has a cute car! Anyway, here is the other thing---he is black! WOOOP! I have never dated a black guy and not for any particular reason, I just haven't. It's been on the bucket list. But he is also half philipino so it's not entirely going to fulfill the black guy bucketlist goal. Benzie was very handsome, well spoken, mild mannered, and we talked for hours.

After dinner he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, or a drive, or...? I don't know what the hell he was thinking. A walk in the parking lot or what? So, I politely declined. I'm just not interested in dating--period. After the date, I got the mandatory after date text: "Had a great time cutie (insert gay smiley face) cant wait to see you again." I replied: " :) " Next night I get, "Good night Cutie (insert gay smiley face)" I reply, " ;)" Today I get "when's a good time to call you." FINALLY I SAY: Look, you are an attractive, nice, smart guy but if you are looking for a girlfriend do NOT waste your time on me." (aka an invite for a "friend with benefit?") Maybe...Well he replied: "Are you available Weds?" Me: wtf NO!

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After a few failed attempts at coordinating date #2- he invited me to his house on Sunday to "watch movies and cook me dinner." I suggested we go play golf, thinking I could kill two birds with one stone...play golf and maybe think about interviewing him as a possible fake boyfriend. I don't have "friends with benefits" I have "fake boyfriends." It's a mutual understanding, we are madly in love while hanging out but then I wont return their calls for weeks. We attend weddings, go christmas shopping, play house, all that good stuff but with no emotional ties.

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I haven't quite determined if I have room in my world to be aggravated by a possible girly man. But he did have a nice car, good body, and good conversation. The sad thing is I couldn't even tell you what kind of shoes he was wearing, that is how uninterested I was. He did have on a huge goddy movado watch which I did not like. He commented on my mannerisms, which I found weird. He would say, I like how you hold your cup like that...strange. On a good note he remarked on my beauty at least twice--that is always good for the massive ego that I have... We will see.

Thank-less fucking Job

I love my job, I love what I do, I love the freedom and experience and trust i have earned. HOWEVER, in 8 short weeks i will be taking a leave of absence to (a) take finals and (b) begin Barbri. This means that I am ready to begin making the transition and slowly relinquish some of the million responsibilities I have taken on.

Instead of working my normal schedule today, I went to school. Due to the multiple holidays in the Spring semester some of our Monday classes get moved to Tuesday. Therefore, I was at the (empty) office on Monday and had to take Tuesday off instead. I made my boss aware of this and thought all was fine.

Five minutes before I will be deposed as a witness in another groups case I get a frantic text. Our office opens at 8am but at 10 am I get a text, "Have an emergency at Home not going to make it in, when will you be at the office?" From the so called office manager. I say, "I'm at school, I told my boss on Friday." He says, YOU NEED TO TELL ME THESE THINGS!!! Fair enough-------but this lead to a domino effect of major irritation on my part.

Technically, I am part-time and I work 4 - 6 hour days a week. What actually happens is that I work 4- 10-12 hour days in order to keep up. I DO EVERYTHING! So here is my beef--I do not want to be relied on so much. I do not want to throw up my breakfast because the office is empty due to an "emergency." Things HAVE TO BE DONE, DEADLINES HAVE TO BE MET, THE CALENDER HAS TO BE MANAGED---E V E R Y S I N G l E D A Y!

A lawyers calendar is the very most important tool in the entire practice. Meetings are scheduled and most importantly hearings are scheduled. At the very least at any given time FIVE people other than the attorney are relying on you to make the appearance or continue it, respond to motions, or review responses to motions.

I meet with the clients, I write all of the motions, and pleadings, I take all the neurotic phone calls, I clean the files, and since I work part time---it is in no way logical to rely on me to manage the calendar. I JUST CANT DO IT. In my humble opinion, the attorney (new solo attorney) whom's license is on the line, and whom will be subject to sanctions for missing a hearing should make one single person check the calendar multiple times throughout the day making sure everything is filed, all parties are notified and the file is prepared.

The Office Manager has a whole plethera of duties himself that at times, at least daily, cause him to explode--literally. Angry outbursts are normal. I ignore that. I ignore that I never get a single thank you in a day, I ignore that my diligence and hard work which results in her success is utterly unimportant to anyone there. BUT THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY TIMES YOU CAN KICK A DOG BEFORE IT BITES. Today I bit and tomorrow--well who knows what will happen.

My undergrad studies were in management. Accountability is key. People need to know exactly what is expected of them and if there are serious issues that all members of a "team" need to be cognizant of that should be outlined as well. So instead of texting me at 8pm the night before trial asking me a very very very important questions, check it out before you go home. You see--everyone else is always "Sooooooo tired" and "soooooo stressed out" so they leave at 4 or at the latest 530. But me, I'm there till 11pm. So yeah shit is gonna slip through the cracks because I am human and I have way too much work to do. To top it off I am graduating in a few weeks and my nerves are shot worrying about the bar exam. SO I TOLD THEM TO CHILL OUT AND CUT ME SOME SLACK. I was basically told: "I have to rely on you and if you can't handle it we need to talk." And talk we will. She needs an "office manager" or paralegal in charge of the calendar and she needs to take some responsibility herself.

I have no alternative excuse for my irritation, can't say I am pms'ing or anything like that. I just hate people who do not take initiative. I also do not like the texts: "You should have...You need to..." Anytime something goes wrong I get an accusatory and rude text message. To which there is always a logical and reasonable explanation. How about saying, hey what happened? Instead of assuming Im an idiot and don't know how to do my job. The way they talk to me is completely indicative of the status quo there.

I hope tomorrow I will maintain my composure because in the grand scheme of things this is stupid and unimportant. Unfortunately when it comes to sticking up for myself I can be pretty cut throat. They don't deserve for me to disrespect them, so I will try to remain calm and explain that they need to start preparing for my departure now. And if that is not ok, then they will have to fire me because I won't quit.

Simple things....

This would not be complete without this first: ZERO 7

Simplicity is my bliss. My job, my life and the world is complex so when I get the chance to just stare off into the world, without a thought in my mind---I am in bliss.

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Spread the word...

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Pregnant Women Nest and so do Pre Bar Exam Takers

There is this "thing" that I hope to NEVER experience, whereby a woman, in anticipation of a new child begins to psychotically clean and arrange and plan for the new baby. It's an overwhelming urge for order that drives people insane. Well, I'm nesting in preparation for my leave of absence from work. This includes organizing, cleaning, and sending millions of emails to make sure everyone is aware of what is going on with everything!

There are several things going on right now at work. Number one I'm training a 2L to do my job this summer while I prepare for the Bar exam, Number two I am training a Paralegal who may end up taking the 2L's position if she doesn't speed up her progress. To me this is a godsend to any future attorney. I share all my secrets! And I have a million tricks to get what I want, when I need it, from ANYONE! So, if I were them I would listen to me when I lecture about how shit has to be done.

Tonight I worked a 12 hour day, and the last 2 hours of it I was cleaning up my files, organizing, making notes, finishing up loose ends all in preparation for my LAST DAY of work---May 1st! Yes, it is only February 16th but why wait....I want to leave and it be easy for my co workers to pick up where I left off. Most importantly I want to come back, AS AN ATTORNEY, and have my shit how I left it. It was a lot of work but tomorrow will be easy breezy!

It's not really working out the way I had planned. Not everyone has this wonderful virtuous trait of INITIATIVE. It is the single most important skill an aspiring attorney must have. People will NOT spoon feed you ANYTHING. You just have to figure shit out! Bottom line, figure it out---somehow, someway, figure the shit out! ON your own time! Sounds brutal, but that is the difference between myself, who has a job lined up, and those who will meander for months or years begging for work.

"Success comes from taking initiative and following up…. persisting… eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life?" Persistence open many doors, so keep the momentum, push onward and the upward will come. www.jayroeder.com"

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Here is where I tell you I walked in the snow up hill both ways to school barefoot. The reason that story was repeated over and over throughout time is because there is nothing more frustrating to a person who actually is diligent, and driven and has initiative than trying to impress upon a non interested individual how very vital these characteristics are to success. Especially in a world where jobs are far and few in between and where standing out is nearly impossible. I think to myself, I can mentor you and I have learned some valuable shit along the way. Instead you stare at me with those deer in the headlight blank eyeballs and forget everything I say in two seconds. I guess you just have to really, really, really, want something to be passionate about learning it and mastering it. I also guess it's dumb to believe that most people are naturally this way. And then on the positive side, at least since I do have these attributes I will always be employed. I encourage you lost souls to find your passion, live it, love it, master it and share it with the world. People will admire you, and respect you, and you will inspire others to step outside of their comfort zones and experience life.

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Without Exception THIS is my Reality--

I am a highly sensitive person because:

1. I have an extraordinary sense of smell, I have blogged about this before. I can smell sickness, body odor, animals, your lotion, any food or drink you have recently consumed, cigarettes, weed, even Meth, alcohol from yesterday seeping from your pores, dirty hair, fake hair, freshly died hair, self tanner, dirt, car brakes, car overheating, tires, ebrake, and i swear I can smell plaque on people's teeth. I am obsessed with perfume and cologne, candles, notes anything to do with fragerance I am all about it.

2. I am overly perceptive and notice details that most people wouldn't dream of paying attention to. In fact at times I can memorize an entire setting. From exactly how you made your bed, to what color socks I saw you wear.

3. I am VERY easily overstimulated by crowds, and people

4. I always think deeply and exhaust myself

6. I feel EVERYONE'S PAIN. I'm in the airport and I spot a woman across the way from me, sort of hidden in a corner, she is crying. I have no idea who she is but I cry for her. I feel all pain that I am made aware of just as deeply as the person experiencing it. My parents stopped talking me to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve because I would cry hysterically the whole time--I would cry for the homeless who were there and I would cry for Jesus....I swear. Weird I know.

7. My feelings, intuitions, understanding, empathy, and perception cause me to feel a lot of things that normal people filter out. The result of this burden is (a) me isolating myself a lot to recover from social situations; (b) feeling extreme sadness and guilt when those I love are hurting; (c) crying while watching the news; (d) being ultra considerate of others feelings, time and just imposing on anyone in general. It's an exhausting existence-

I am glad to know there is a lot of new research going on and I can talk to my Dr. about helping me cope with the biological makeup of my brain that makes my hyper sensitive everything including noise, lights, extreme weather, rudeness, nonverbal cues etc.

The Evolution of a Dream and it may have Begun with Whitney (RIP)

Warning this will be extremely cheesy. This blog is a conversation that I have with myself. Like most "highly sensitive" and educated people, I have to "talk it out." I won't apologize for my ramblings because you do have the choice to NOT read-

Now for the evolution of my DREAMS and by dreams I am referring to finding my passions and my talents, my niche in this complicated, crazy world.

I've always been different and my memories of people's reaction to me start very early in life. Always, a very deep thinker and a little off, with a strange perspective on things. At 5 years old I joined the school choir (I can NOT sing) but I wanted to be on Star Search so very badly. It consumed my every thought. The song I remember being taught and I remember singing relentlessly was by none other than the late Whitney Houston. That song may have been the extent of any positive reinforcement I received at that age. I was very lonely, confused, and neglected. I dreamed of being on Star Search, the dream was very real to me and I believed that some how, some way, I would one day sing this song on TV. That may sound hilarious today, especially since I have NO singing talent but what it represents is the fire I have always had to do something, anything, and passionately.

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Here I am 28 years later and so close to my dream I can taste it. In less than 10 weeks I will be graduating and then taking the Bar Exam. I am getting so damn good at my job and it makes me so high. I work damn hard, and I prepare the best case I can for each of our clients to present to the Judge. My boss does the arguing, very well I might add and we consistently get favorable results. It makes working till 11:30 p.m. worth every minute. My point here is this, dream and dream big and work hard, BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.

Today at school everyone was complaining about not having any job prospects lined up and no work experience. I KNEW from the start that was a MUST and I did it. Worked for PENNIES literally but the experience I gained can not be quantified in terms of money. Priceless! I have developed a style, and a method of doing family law that my firms clients LOVE and respect. They are like my family--although I do not make the mistake of crossing any professional lines. They confide in me and trust me. The process goes like this, at intake the Attorney meets and consults with the client, the client is given questionnaires, I received completed questionnaires and a memo from my boss outlining the issues and her position. I find the law, prepare the pleadings and tell an effective and succinct, judge friendly story. Then I meet with the client to review what I have done for them and they all say, "wow, it's like you are in my head!" That means the world to me. It means I understood them and I know what they want and how to get it.

I tell the truth, I do not exaggerate and I am honest with people about potential outcomes. My two motos are: 1. UNDER PROMISE AND OVER DELIVER and 2. EXPECT THE WORST AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. This works. It keeps expectations in check and I know I will provide quality work that will more than likely turn out in their benefit.

It's the practice of people, you have to incorporate some psychology into your job. The old grumpy drunk crazy attorney I used to work for told me he was great because he was a lifetime student. This is probably the best advice he ever gave me...Continuously brush up on the new trends in your field. Attend CLE seminars and just put some effort into it. I BELIEVE IN MY HEART THAT IF YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE IT IS NOT WORK----AND IF YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE THE MONEY WILL EITHER BE JUST ENOUGH OR MUCH MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE HOPED FOR.


I am not ashamed of my emotional/mental short comings. After 30 years of dealing with it, I have accepted it. I'm not always well and mostly because I am a highly sensitive person. BUT I always preserver and I always seek enlightenment and I work diligently to be a better person. So if you think I'm weak, or crazy or dumb--that is your ignorance because I am actually a very deep, intellectual person who wants nothing more than to be content, and I will be.

Here is the plan to destroy my negative/self hate--I found a psychologist. Not a therapist but a psychologist, I am meeting with her on Monday. Our goal will be to help me believe that I can do this and I can pass the bar. She will guide me and I will do the work. I have no doubt that I will be a KICK ASS attorney but the bar has me scared to death. The Doctor will Help me figure out how to love myself unconditionally, stop judging myself, and have some mother fucking confidence in myself. MY DAD LIED WHEN HE TOLD ME I WAS A PIECE OF SHIT AND I WILL LEARN TO BELIEVE THAT---VERY, VERY, SOON.

AND THERE WAS LANA DEL REY...FINALLY!

SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND INTERESTING!
SEXY SULTRY FANFUCKINGTASTIC MUSIC. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

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AND FOR YOU DIET MT DEW LOVAHS

"Have you LOST YOUR MIND?" love mom

My sister may be one of like 3 individuals on this planet who understand me. This is strange to me because I think I am pretty direct--so where does the confusion lie?

I say, "Not kidding, Sissy from May 20th 2012 to July 28th 2012--my phone will be off. IDONT CARE IF SOMEONE DIES, DO NOT TELL ME!"

Well, I don't think that is too much to ask. Seriously, I don't. Not like when my friend Disney's selfish ass boyfriend broke up with her during the bar exam. I still hate him for that. They are still together and she still has not passed the bar. But she will, I have no doubt. Me on the other hand---who the fuck knows.

Anyway, Sissy tells the WHOLE UNIVERSE about what I said and now everytime I see someone they say, "Hope I don't die while you are studying for the bar exam."

After the 5th person said it to me I finally said WTF! WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL? AM I CRAZY?

PART II

On St. Valentine day I skipped up the stairs to my office aka THE LAW OFFICE OF BROKEN DREAMS, I grinned from ear to ear because I had a GREAT idea! Maybe I shouldve decorated for Valentines day? All those poor broken hearted people would surely enjoy cupid and hearts all over the place right? FUCK NO.

Then I remembered about this song I thought we should have on loop when we put clients on hold.

You know MOST of my clients have stupid ass "eat shit" songs as their ring when you call them. Just in case the ex calls they can see how much they are either not going to cry OR How about this one. Then there is the good old, let me disrupt your new life and remind you that I'm still not over you....

Personally, I prefer this and then there is Rhianna!!!

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February 14th also wouldve been 3 years today!

I managed to get through the ENTIRE DAY without mentioning that today would have been me and LSBoys 3 year anniversary. Can you believe it? Truth is, I was way too busy to even think about it for more than a few seconds but I am still proud. What I could not manage to NOT think about was Spike. He has been my Valentine for 9 years and this is the first year I couldn't shower him with kisses! I miss him so much. Today, I wondered if LSBoy ever even considered how cruel it is to keep me from my baby. I doubt it. LSBoy doesn't purposely keep me from my kitty cat, he is just to self absorbed to think of how I might feel. Busy, Busy, Busy little collector he is. Collector of whores and things, while I work 13 hour days and daydream about cuddling with my Spikey. Yeah, still a little bitter.

Been working hard, at work and at the gym. Feeling tired these last few days think Im burnt out. Worked till 11 pm twice last week. Tomorrow is (a) HUMP DAY; (b) YOGA and (c) ....better than today, because Im going to get some sleep, RIGHT NOW!

Happy St. Valentine day bloggers!

Maybe I would be in higher spirits if I reverted back to the old bad ass maneater girl of my youth?!?! This song here just reminded me of the days when well, I'll let you guess....

On that note:

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4 Years of Law School has taught me:

Here I am 10 weeks from graduation! How many people can articulate what law school has taught them, how many people think law school didn't teach them shit, and how many people know how to expand on the knowledge they have acquired in law school?

I, for one, can think of a million ways law school has changed me. One of my earliest memories is of me sitting on my Barbie Big Wheel at the end of our very long driveway, staring at the clouds in the sky, deep in thought. For a four year old child this is odd but it was my favorite thing to do. All throughout life I have had a spot in my home where I could sit for HOURS and reflect about life. Human behavior, habits, customs, traditions, and instincts are utterly fascinating phenomena to me. It is easy for me to study behavior for hours and hours and become totally lost in my ideas. Philosophy, sociology, all good areas of study for me because they feed my hunger for understanding. "The Practice of Law is the PRACTICE OF PEOPLE." To succeed you must be able to relate to, empathize with and mind fuck people. This I can do, happily.

Law School has helped me organize my thoughts, come up with logical explanations that are backed by facts, and it has taught me to see both sides of every story. Frequently, friends and family come to me for my opinion* about legal issues and I have to literally "talk it out" but once I do--I usually come up with a pretty good analysis of the issue. That makes me VERY proud because like I've said before I am plagued by a poor self image.

Law school has turned me into a human lie detector machine. If a story does not make sense I already know someone is not being honest with me. Which is a powerful intuition to have- it makes putting a story together much easier. You can tell where the holes are in a story and you just probe the person to get the truth. I don't think anyone would be able to pull one over on me.

LAW SCHOOL HAS CURED ME OF MY FEAR OF PUBLIC SPEAKING!!!!!!! You know people's two biggest fears are (a) death and (b) speaking in public, so this is quite an accomplishment.

Lawyers, court, clients are all what I am naturally drawn to. I may be one of the few people who has a genuine love of the law and people. I am passionate about what I do. Life is death if you don't have anything to be passionate about. I am truly blessed. NAMASTE BITCHES ;)

*DISCLAIMER: I do not give legal advice--I am not licensed to practice law, YET!