Cheers to being on the wrong half of the 50% statistic.
As you may or may not be able to imagine, today is one of the worst days of my entire life. My reaction to failing the bar exam wasn't what I would consider typical for me--at all. It went down like this:
I hit EVERY red light on the way home from work. The text messages, email messages, facebook messages came flooding in and it caught me by surprise. It was 6:05 p.m. and I had not checked my results yet. In a way, I knew in my heart I did not pass.
My best friend finally arrived and I checked ...my name was not there. I just sat there. My BFF insisted on checking again. I told her that I really wanted to be alone. That was hard to say because I know she wanted to be there for me. No amount of consolation would help at this point and I know she felt helpless. She graciously left and checked in with me later. I cried a little but all in all very little tears have been shed. Normally, I am a huge cry baby but lately, it's just not in me. Maybe I am finally emotionally healthy and each event doesn't have to be a tragedy. That would be nice.
For the purposes of healing I am going to go through the sequence of events, as I remember them today, which I believe led to my demise.
Bar Study- The first few weeks were odd. Going back to Law school to study and attending barbri with my ex boyfriend felt wrong. Although him and I are on ok terms, I don't need to look at his face everyday. It's just not necessary. Then my ex boyfriend decided to be-friend one of my enemies. Those two loved throwing that in my face every chance they got. He is a disloyal guy. Not in the cheating sense but in the sense that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with being friends (very close) with a girl I hate. Whatever. They ended up driving each other crazy anyway because my ex is an acquired taste and not many can handle his type of neurosis.
For a good 4 weeks I struggled with finding a peaceful place to study---away from him. That was a waste of a lot of precious energy. Today him and I are far, far, away from each other. In fact, we are still in touch sometimes and I know he is taking the test a good 100 miles away from where I will go. And, I am getting a super amazing hotel room for the exam because this girl needs her beauty brain sleep.
Then my second issue was renting a room. I did not have my own space. If I wanted to study at home, it was not an option. That bothered me a lot. Today I have a big beautiful apartment all to myself. Only problem is I have to work full time while studying this time. Good news about that is that I work much better under IMMENSE pressure.
The test...I never told anyone this because I was afraid to but now I have nothing to lose. The first day, the proctor called the one hour mark and I was already done with the first three essays. Up until he called time, I thought I was right on schedule. When I realized how early I was done, I was filled with terror. I tried, the best I could, to figure out what I missed and ended up just filling in each answer with nonsense. This backwards methodology MUST have compromised the integrity of the 'flow' of a coherent answer. Who knows what the final result ended up looking like. Somehow the afternoon session PT exam went so well (in my mind) that I forgot about the big huge problem with the morning essays.
Day two...I've explained this to several people and no one seems to quite get what I am saying. MBE day, I was under a hypnotic like trance. I literally was falling asleep. The proctor's probably became suspicious because I went to the bathroom at least 4 times to splash water on my face. I could not even see the questions because my eyes were so blurry and tired. Ironically, this guy that I spent some time with (classmate) during the exam breaks (pacing the parking lot for an hour) was SURE he failed. He was utterly defeated, to the point of wanting to quit after day one--PASSED. I won't lie I did feel a twinge of jealousy but he is a good man and him and his wife are expecting a baby soon so this is absolutely perfect. I wish him and his family a life full of love and happiness, they deserve it.
I don't have my score card yet, so all of this is speculation. When I get it I hope to be able to easily identify the issues. Please god let it be MBE's because those are by far the easiest thing to improve. If I bombed all essays, then I am in big trouble.
Bar Exam Review Phase Two begins Monday...Wish me luck and most importantly wish me peace. xoxo
Oh...ex boyfriend failed too and so did several very intelligent, capable people..I wish them all peace, love, and the energy to move forward.
How did you cope? Stress levels are at an all time high. All of the bar exam websites are full of threads where people are venting and expressing extreme anxiety.
For me, well...I caved and bought a TV. For some reason when I'm stressed beyond measure I make big purchases. And to me, a TV is a big purchase. Last time I was THIS stressed, I made a $5k purchase/investment in me... I don't regret that but I find it interesting that stress drives me to spend money.
Other than that, Ive kept very very very busy.
Tomorrow is the day. Either I'll be a lawyer or I'll be studying again. Your prayers are appreciated.
Several people have come to me in the last few days for the purposes of reconciliation!!! Crazy how this world works right? Anyway, my fear was that my sister would not approve of at least one reconciliation. So I discussed it with her, and my precious sissy said, "I am so proud of you for being open to forgiveness." All I needed was her blessing because my beef with some people involves her, indirectly.
To date, and since my last blog, my best friend and my cousin have reached out to me. Tomorrow I'm going to see my best friend and Sunday my cousin. I can't lie, I'm afraid because I love with my whole heart and when I open up to someone I become vulnerable. My sister says the difference between her and I, is that she has kids and a husband who are her #1. Whereas I, am just me, and so I give that extra love to those close to me. Inevitably the fallible human, takes advantage of my love and they disappoint and hurt me. She told me I need to learn to stay somewhat disconnected in order to preserve my heart.
Another very good, and smart point she made with regard to our ability to fess up when we fuck up is this: Both my sister and I were trained to be forthcoming when we fuck up. Our professions require it in order to avoid legal liabilities. She is an RN and in the last month has saved two lives under the age of 6! And me, well everyone knows if your lawyer fucks up its big trouble. But people are more likely to forgive you and NOT SUE you if you are honest and forthcoming. So, based on our education and training we have become accustomed to be straight with people. I asked her, why is it that my first instinct when I fuck up is to admit it and apologize? Other people deny shit, hide, and never look within themselves to see where they went wrong. My sister told me that we need to lead by example and also accept the fact that not everyone has the training and education we do. Therefore, human nature dictates other people's reactions or choices when faced with being caught doing stupid shit.
The first apology I received went like this: "I'm sorry you saw that, it was not meant for you to see." Ok, yes I know that it is none of MY business how others feel about me BUT...What if the person who is trashing you is like a sister to you and you have NO idea why they would say hateful mean things about you? Don't I have a right to be hurt and to ask, "what did I do to you to deserve your ill will towards me?"
The second apology, after I chewed on the first one, and without any prompting on my part, said, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I got caught up in some bs gossiping and it was wrong." Now that is what I'm talking about! We all gossip. It's normal, but if you got caught up, because you ARE human after all, at least have the heart to admit it. This second apology also included a heartfelt explanation about how she is continuously working on being a better person. She is already a good person. She just got caught up and I can totally appreciate that. I love her, and miss her terribly so I will open this door.
The other girl, well she is mad at me because I chose to not call in sick and get fired to go to Vegas with her. I was saving money for my bar exam sabbatical and helping my sister watch her kids at the time. It was bad timing. She decided to stop talking to me over it? I don't expect an apology from her but I do know that I won't expect to much from her period going forward.
It will be nice to reconnect with these people in this new phase of my life. Cheers to forgiveness!
Being a misfit is such a daunting task. The whole kid, husband, family, life isn't in my cards and I planned it that way. My fear is...regret. Will I regret dedicating my life to my intellectual endeavors? Family doesn't mean much to me. But at the same time, lately at least, I feel a twinge of sadness when I see all of the family photos posted on Facebook each weekend. People LOVE hanging out with their family. What am I missing? I do remember a time, vaguely, where I enjoyed my family. You leave a family gathering with an indescribable sense of peace. Those days are so long ago and even then, so far and few in between.
Defining yourself in terms of your accomplishments or your brilliant mind is shallow. It's just as bad as defining yourself based on being rich or beautiful. I like to think I am a good person. However, my heart and soul are constantly filled with doubt as to my "goodness." Why would my ENTIRE family, except one sister and one brother, have ill feelings towards me. They aren't shy about expressing their disgust and dislike toward me. Am I dumb? What did I do? If my memory serves me correctly, I remember dropping everything at any time to help my family. Somehow, I am estranged from them all. Preaching to me about forgiveness and acceptance does nothing for me. I am not the one who made the choice to disconnect from them. Granted, they have all hurt me and disappointed me with their reckless life choices but I've reached out--unsuccessfully.
Today, I decided that my life is designed this way for a reason and I need to figure it out. The universe needs me detached from my family for some reason. But what? It's been so many years that I cannot even fathom reconciliation with them. This brings me to dating...How in the hell am I going to explain that I do not have contact with my Mom or Dad and the only family I have in this WHOLE world is my sister and brother? If someone told me that I would automatically believe they are a shitty person. For example, my sister is my world and there is nothing on this planet I love more, when other people tell me they are estranged from their siblings it freaks me out. (Projection?)
I've dedicated a majority of my life to being self aware. So I believe that I have integrity and hold my good character in the highest regard. Absent a character flaw, or being a liar, cheat or thief, why would you own family not love you? Also, it's telling that my WHOLE family feels this way, all for different reasons. If it were just one family member then it could be chalked up to having a personality conflict with one family member.
My family is small, which changes things a bit. On my maternal side I have my Mom--that's it. On my paternal side I have two aunts, one uncle, four cousins, my dad, his wife and a step grampa. I guess the most painful part of all of this is not having supportive parents. No matter what I do, how hard I work, what I accomplish, I am not worthy of their love and acceptance. My Mom accuses me of being arrogant and talking down to her. I pride myself in remaining humble and I definitely do not look down on her. In fact I am in awe of the obstacles she has overcome in her life. She was an orphan so she just may not have it in her to love me uncondtionally? She admits we did not bond when I was a baby. Hence, my attachment disorders...
Well, I don't know where everyone else is because we have not maintained contact. It's like a group of people who you suffered immeasurable boredom and pain with and being around them only reminds you of the pain. Some call it PTSD.
Where am I?
Well, lets see...
I moved into my own apartment finally! April 6, 2013 was supposed to be the happiest day I've had in a long time. Instead it was a fucking nightmare. My first apartment was facing a parking lot and the south. That means I was exposed to the afternoon sun all day long. It also meant that I was facing an ominous looking parking lot. Most traumatically I was faced with...roaches.
Don't judge, it's like lice, I didn't bring them nor have I ever been exposed to them. Therefore, I had no idea how to deal with them. I purchased 100 traps, boric acid and spent hours researching them. For one entire week I complained every single day and forwarded pictures of the monsters. The complex management had my apartment sprayed twice and they still would not subside. Finally, on Sunday April 14, 2013 I sent an email stating that I was moving the fuck out Monday!
Management called me and offered me a new apartment. I reluctantly went to see it and it was beautiful. An amazing view with now neighbors across from me. I accepted their offer and now I am in heaven.
About the bar exam...what a weird transition. From student to bar exam applicant to almost lawyer still law clerk bitch. It's like you know a lot but not enough and most importantly you do not have a license.
Each night I daydream about how this could go bad and good. It causes me a great deal of anxiety. I can't imagine having to study for this fucking thing again! But alas I have a peaceful living environment.