tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30364573390627098532024-03-14T03:58:33.105-07:00JD...ActuallyNeurotic law school grad assimilating into society, one day at a timeJD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.comBlogger464125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-86836524020950845172014-01-25T20:48:00.002-08:002014-01-25T20:48:33.837-08:00Professional ProgressWell, here I am. Exactly where I have been trying to be for the last million years. That means I have to find my style and market myself professionally. That also means I should watch my words. In the wrong hands, my glib comments could ruin me.<br />
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I intend to begin a professional blog and grow up a little.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-80329530053657449302013-11-30T13:57:00.000-08:002013-11-30T13:57:05.023-08:00Almost Perfect...When life is Almost Perfect…<br />
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Dating, life, and acceptance will be the theme today. I had the great pleasure of indulging in December’s issue of Cosmo. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to allow my mind to wander and contemplate frivolous things like sex and love. Ahhhhhh! How I missed it.<br />
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My friends and I have all become quite active in the dating world. This means pure crazy everywhere I turn. Girls are crazy and boys are dumb! Here we are all guessing, manipulating, and thinking way too hard about stupid meaningless shit.<br />
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For the last few months of my life I decided to distract myself from impending bar results by dating. There have been many men. Most of who were purely social experiments. I studied them; cross examined them and then reported my findings to my girlfriends who were starving for an inside link into a man’s mind. My questions were: “what is the most annoying thing you have experienced with a girl.” “How often do you want to have sex?” “Why do men turn their girlfriends into this un-sexy object after they fall in love?” “What do you think of prenups?” “Marriage”? <br />
There was no shame in my line of questioning because frankly I did not give a fuck about any of these men. None of them caught my attention and I think it is because my motives were different. Not looking for love, just looking to pass the time and learn about men.<br />
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Then one fateful Thursday, after multiple failed attempts to coordinate a date, a guy I will call HP asked me out again and I hesitated. He seemed nice enough but results were the next day and I couldn’t stomach the idea of another interview with a man. Distraction on this day was impossible. The most important day of my life was the next day. Despite my nerves, I met him.<br />
We clicked on every level and for a few days he was ALL about me. Now, he has ghosted me. Disappeared. Communication became vague, closed ended-- polite texts to ease his conscience. “Hope your day was good?’ Wait! What happened to the sweet long messages about specific details of his day? <br />
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Then I read the article about Ghosting. Something clicked in my head. It happens. Guys loose interest that quickly. Fuck it. NEXT. I’ll let you go my perfect next boyfriend. Thanks for reminding me that I do have it in me to be genuinely interested in a man for more than just a distraction. Don’t fret girls I’m on to the next. More info. Coming soon.<br />
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JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-12411978974296680142013-11-22T23:24:00.003-08:002013-11-22T23:24:34.834-08:00I never Want to Forget This<br />
Oh, It's a beautiful day. I just got the news that my close friend, mentor, OG road dawg just passed the freekin bar!!! This is someone who is a huge asset to the field of law and will bring integrity, ethics, and values into everything she does. We are ALL blessed today. Congratulations JDMaybe on this huge accomplishment!! You continue to pave a way for all the people who, at one time, have "outrageous" dreams, but have the courage to fight for them and turn them into realities despite the setbacks, failures, and non believers!! Because of you I am where I am today and will continue my education until I reach ALL my goals! We now have THE BEST of the best people. I am so genuinely happy an proud today. Happy patrol for life!<br />
Like · · Share · 30 minutes ago via mobile ·<br />
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7 people like this.<br />
JDMaybe I am HONORED that you consider me a mentor. I love you to death and always knew you had the same kind of drive as me. What you do for this world is absolutely amazing! Thank you so much! Happy Patrol FOR LIFE. xoxo<br />
28 minutes ago · Like · 1<br />
Maxine Together we are changing this world and bringing beauty and light into even the most darkest places!!!!! I can't wait to start a non profit and have you on the team!!! Our drive is a product of the potential we see in this world as our place in the change!! I love you so much!!!! CONGRATS AGAIN!!!!!<br />
14 minutes ago via mobile · Like<br />
Maxine And yes yes yes you most definitely are still my mentor!!! You are the REASON I'm here where I am doing what I'm doing now!!! You've changed many lives through the greatness you brought to light in me!!!!<br />
12 minutes ago via mobile · LikeJD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-83492658670811367942013-11-22T21:26:00.001-08:002013-11-22T21:26:27.718-08:00I passed the CBX!!!No words...JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-38276611702347316262013-11-19T19:36:00.002-08:002013-11-19T19:36:35.404-08:00Legal underground - Blawg ReviewI am getting a lot of traffic from here but I can't figure out why?JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-42100437837419347012013-11-17T11:15:00.000-08:002013-11-17T11:15:20.357-08:00August 15 to November 17When I don't post for periods of time that is when the real shit is happening and I am so into my own mind I can't write.<br />
As of today, there are exactly six days until Bar results come out. Managing my emotions and mind is a full time job. I spend every waking hour trying to figure out how I will get through each day. Anxiety is pumping through my veins like toxic poison.<br />
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My feelings are mine and to all the outsiders who say things like: "I know you passed." or "If you didn't pass you do it again." "you are smart I'm sure you are fine." STOP! STOP! STOP!<br />
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Imagine spending half of your life working toward a specific goal. A goal that is pretty hard to achieve. It requires self awareness, diligence, hard work, and gut wrenching studying. Your whole career depends on this one stupid test. Only half of all takers pass. You wait 4 months for results. Purgatory.<br />
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Failing is a severe financial hardship. You have to pay for the test, the hotel, and try to get time off work. Who pays the bills while you are off work? Do you get fired because that "associate position" can't wait another 6 months for you to re-take and get results? Does your mentor lose faith in you? Do you lose faith in you? Can that blow to the ego ever be mended?<br />
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My self medicating: In order to keep myself distracted, I've taken to serial dating. Last week for example I went on a date 5 out of 7 days and today is day 7. I actually have two potential dates lined up. Im exhausted. Tired of talking. I don't like talking about myself so I just sit there. Then you meet the church goers...if I spoke they would run to church. I'm bad to the core.<br />
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Dating is fun if you are actually looking for love but I'm not. So it's a chore and I dread each one. I suppose these fellas do a good enough job of inflating my super fragile ego but that only lasts so long. Then I'm empty again, feeling inadequate and afraid that I failed.<br />
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There are more productive ways to distract yourself. It's also pretty inappropriate to rely on men to make you feel good. That's just how I do things. Every girl wants to feel beautiful and if that's all I got right now, so be it. For my friends who read these to check up on me, I am ok. The worst is over. Soon, I'll know what the next step is and I'll be ok. JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-40001018951459245262013-09-08T16:11:00.000-07:002014-01-25T20:49:38.931-08:00To the Man who Tried to Soften my Wicked HeartI pride myself in secrecy and my sophisticated level of understanding and communicating innuendo. You may follow this, you may not. I can't just say what I mean because it is more than I can swallow and saying it is accepting it. I hate humble pie and I hate my natural inclination to be sneaky, powerful, and egotistical. I am what I am.<br />
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Lately, out of the blue, people have been shoving god down my throat. For a brief moment I became intrigued by the irony of it all. Why were so many people, at the same time, trying to soften my heart? Maybe I do need god? Then one day someone brought me a bible with my name engraved in it. What a wonderfully thoughtful gift. Like every girl with daddy issues I confused this gesture and provoked ungodly behavior from him. Thankfully he is not weak. <br />
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I tried the bible thing. All it did was stir up my soul and we all know shit floats. There I was in the middle of a shit storm of my own making. Seduction. Somehow I became the forbidden confidant. To more than one. My emotions became so turbulent. Then I had a real talk with myself. I have no desire for love and I have no desire to be used. What I want-- is to build my empire and work hard to be the best at what I do. So far no real harm done. Time to switch gears be the old me, the me with a hard heart. That me, doesn't pay attention to the forbidden because I am not hungry for that. The vulnerable me is the one who falls for that bullshit. <br />
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The moral of the story is this: Spiritual warfare is real and in this case god did not win. The waters are settling, the shit is sinking back to the bottom and my heart is hardening.<br />
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Some people are not meant for normal. Don't interfere with that. This is me and I'm ok with it. I don't need god, not now.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-33150529085458818412013-08-15T18:47:00.000-07:002013-08-15T18:47:46.018-07:00So Fucking What!My boss exhibits symptoms that appear to be signs of an imminent heart attack every day. This causes me a certain level of anxiety and sometimes at night, while rewinding my day, I wonder what the hell will I do if he dies?<br />
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He has heart disease and does not take care of himself. It is not uncommon for him to break out into a cold sweat while clenching his teeth. This makes my blood run cold every single time it happens.<br />
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Last night I thought to myself, will he, will I, one day, lay on my death bed regretting that I dedicate my heart and soul to my job instead of human beings? That's when I decided I will not. Who the hell are YOU to say that my life is not fulfilling? Because to me, my life is fulfilling. I get extreme satisfaction from working hard and producing amazing results for our clients. I prefer to write a trial brief over floating down a fucking piss filled river, ANY DAY! Last weekend I ventured outside of my comfort zone and went to Laughlin. This place is a complete shit hole and I had NO idea. When I got there I was like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!? I was a good sport and I floated down the fucking river but I did have to get drunk and I did fall asleep. Yes, I passed out in a raft floating down the river. So what.<br />
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When I die and my eulogy is done I want the world to know that I like my life and I like working hard. My soul is no less fulfilled by not having kids or not spending my time at soccer games or picnics. One size does NOT fit all. If your loved one loves work more than you, accept it or move on. Don't judge one's priorities because quality of life is relative.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-40881665167858020962013-07-26T13:57:00.002-07:002013-07-26T13:57:25.249-07:00White Girls & Asian MenI just love getting traffic from <a href="http://www.asian-central.com/stuffasianpeoplelike/2008/12/19/memorable-comments-white-girls/">this website</a>... Black, white, Asian, if it has a good heart, good manners and a huge brain (advanced college degree preferred) I'll date ya! After August 5th. Back to the books!JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-81795964426641611422013-07-23T23:01:00.000-07:002013-07-23T23:01:00.559-07:00The divorced person's apartmentI've personally witnessed hundreds of divorces. That is my job. I divorce people. I don't internalize their issues because if I do I don't sleep. My empathy is ridiculous. Therefore, I have created coping mechanisms, one of which is denial and blocking things out. Real healthy and mature, I know. <br />
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Today I anxiously went to my mailbox looking for the ProActiv I recently ordered. Been on a no makeup-healthy face kick. Was so looking forward to using that little battery operated brush...<br />
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It wasn't there. On my way back I caught a glimpse into this apartment. The occupants of this particular apartment have always intrigued me because they are mid 40's, no kids, etc. The windows were wide open and I saw an apartment full of outdated, large, family style furnishings. That is when I surmised that the apartment occupant, SWF, is a divorcee. The contents of her apartment are undoubtedly the left overs from a failed marriage. Sad.<br />
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Earlier in the day, I was in another apartment. The occupant of this apartment, also a middle aged divorcee. The room is full of oversized, outdated, furnishings that were probably once inside the family residence. The dried flowers depressed me.<br />
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I wish, that all people had the choice to start from scratch after divorce. Instead we are financially handicapped and unable to splurge on an Ikea shopping spree. Sad. It's not Ashley...it's Ikea and we still can't do it. Or do they hold on to these things for a sense of normalcy? <br />
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It's just a thing. A thing that makes me uncomfortable and sad. Things are just things but they have a powerful impact on our psyche. Cleanse yourself of your past. Start over. Even if that means sitting in emptiness and dealing with the void that divorce brings. It's probably cathartic to just let the real, raw, empty, feeling pass through you instead of pretending that everything is ok by surrounding yourself with what used to be. Broken dreams and disappointment. <br />
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And this is when my job strikes a cord. When it penetrates that iron wall that protects me from your pain I'm filled with wonder and questions. <br />
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This is one of those posts that has no point. Just something on my mind.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-53225765710571809672013-07-22T22:17:00.000-07:002013-07-22T22:31:57.385-07:00Don't Lose Yourself Being 34 years old, I have finally come to understand my patterns. It took a few cycles before I noticed that life is generally cyclical. I keep doing the same things over and over again. Do I expect different results? (Insanity?) No I don’t think so. I don’t think it ever gets that deep. Actually, I’m pretty sure I wake up, obsess over my career and the rest is just background noise. Sometimes things are different and I’m not caught up in the grind. Every time I feel the way I do today...I end up with a boyfriend. I'm trying to jinx myself because I need more ME time still. My gut instinct is powerful and my rule of thumb is "talk about it and it WONT happen. Ignore it and it will." Hence.....this post.<br />
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Lately, I’ve been pleasantly comfortable being in my own company. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I am enjoying myself. This startled me the other day. I was sitting on my freshly made bed sending out a quick email reply when I realized…I have my own routine finally! There are several reasons I have been stuck in a rut.<br />
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1. Post Graduate life is an adjustment for everyone. It is hard to find balance when you are a diehard intellect and a human being too. Being ok with not having school took me one long year and two long months. Even two nights ago I had a nightmare that it was my last day of law school again and I cried like someone stole my puppy.<br />
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2. I went through a break up. For several years I was completely and utterly consumed by his life. Blood, sweat, and tears went into building his empire before I finally realized…this is not what I want. It wasn’t what he wanted either but I think we would’ve stayed together forever in misery had I not jumped. Anyway, despite our incompatibilities, he took damn good care of me and enabled (encouraged) my darkest neurosis. Therefore, the aftermath of the breakup was bitter sweet. The day of, I was euphoric (not exaggerating) months later I was deeply depressed. Today, I am content and comfortable with the fact that I love him and he loves me and we love each other enough to stay apart! But he is still a good source of support to me. I’m really lucky in the ex boy friend department. All of them are very good to me.<br />
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3. Post breakup I had to take 1 million steps backward. Moved in with a friend and RENTED A ROOM. This was a huge morale killer. Being in my mid 30’s, single, and living in a bedroom! WTF! Of all my obstacles in the last year this is probably the hardest one. Thank god after the bar exam I spent exactly 4 weeks finding an apartment.<br />
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4. The apartment. Living alone. No furniture. No friends. And……roaches. Yes, cock roaches. I had a mother-fucking conniption fit. Luckily, I chose a quality apartment complex that promptly moved me to the BEST apartment in the complex with a breathtaking view of the pool and the trees. My apartment is private and surrounded by beautiful nature. It looks like an oasis. AND my ex-boyfriend practically furnished the entire place. All this went down in April. Today, July 22, just days before my second attempt at the bar exam, my apartment is my bliss. I have friends in my neighborhood, I’ve lost weight, and I’m HAPPY. When I’m happy the goodness that exists in my soul floods the world and it becomes my mission to brighten all who encounter me. My energy, good or bad, can be quite powerful. It's a blessing and a curse. Which is why my boss/mentor believes that i will be an amazing trial lawyer--someday. (god willing) I digress.<br />
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Bottom line: I can’t date because I will inevitably lose myself again and it takes way too long to get here. If you read this and say, “Well, that’s dumb. Don’t lose yourself.” That is simple and hypocritical. Let’s be real. How many of you women, with your natural care taking instincts, can successfully keep your identity in tact when in a relationship? Maybe you are selfish? <br />
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I’m all about being honest with myself. Just because it seems like the best way to be-- doesn’t mean one is able to be that way. Don't get me wrong there isn't a guy on the planet that will get me to enjoy football. Nor will I ever change my political views, pretend to like video games or Sci-Fi movies. However, I will wash his clothes and make sure he is taken care of. Maybe I'm less of a woman than you? All I know is that when I'm in, whether it's a friendship, family, or relationship, I'm all in! (often times to my detriment) I’ve never been conventional. (Think Big Bang Theory except not that smart) <br />
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Right now, I need all the “me” time I can get. I don’t want to share myself or my time with a man. Not now. Maybe a puppy but not a man.<br />
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JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-36395290879575253132013-06-11T22:25:00.000-07:002013-06-11T22:25:03.313-07:00Nip it in the ButtSpending the day listening to people tell you their deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets? That is Family Law for you. Add a twist of Criminal Law and you have Jerry Springer- live, every.single.day.<br />
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Today, I spent two hours listening to a criminal describe play-by-play how he/she perpetrated a heinous crime against children. At one point I requested to excuse myself and my boss blurted out: 'Why are you going to puke?' (Right in front of the criminal/client) That is how disturbing the details were but really I just had to pee. I could tell my boss, the 25 year veteran, was also disturbed because he made like 4 Fruedian slips. The criminal said, "I wanna nip this thing in the butt." My boss replied, "You mean bud? You really shouldn't nip anything else in the butt." It took all my will power to not crack up laughing--coping mechanism? Maybe.<br />
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This world is a sick, sick place.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-56687491990481790542013-06-10T18:18:00.000-07:002013-06-10T18:18:13.596-07:00Day in The Life of ....Me! Of course. I had one of those drives home where I thought to myself, 'holy shit a lot happened today!' I don't have time to process all of the crazy stuff I encounter in a day. So, I'll document today, even though it wasn't any more or less eventful than any other day... Just for the sake of one day looking back and saying, wow I have seen a lot!<br />
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6:00 a.m. Wake up absolutely dreading the day<br />
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8:00 a.m. Get to work, instantly feel better. (oh yeah I kinda like this place)<br />
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8-12 Help everyone else do their work, solve problems, break copy machines speak to 300 people, serve subpoena's, threaten a few people...<br />
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12-1230 Drive to lunch with boss who proceeds to lecture me for 30 minutes about studying for the bar exam- Try really, really, really, reallllllly hard not to break down and cry because I am so frustrated.<br />
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12:30-1 pm Eat lunch with boss<br />
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1:00-130 Go shopping with boss, witness him and another man quickly develop a bro-mance...browse suits, ties, etc. We walk into this high end men's retail store and the whole place turns to look at us. A man says, "Looks like the boss is here." I have no idea what the fuck is going on. (My boss just has a presence) Everywhere he goes people stop and look at him. The man approached my boss and said, "What do you do for a living?" My boss says, I'm an attorney. He says, "Oh i used to be a cop. [ok...so...?] The man walks away tries on a shirt, comes out and he's playing with his nipples through the shirt. The man tells the sales lady, "this undershirt isn't hiding my breasts." My boss interjects, "Well that's because you are playing with your nipples, shit you are making my nipples hard too." Im thinking OMG!!!!!! But it's really fucking funny. <br />
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Fast forward....<br />
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3:00 p.m. consultation with a woman and her non English speaking male/"mail-order" groom / sancho. She hasn't paid taxes in 35 years (uh oh!) Oh, and spouse doesn't know about sancho [our lil secret]<br />
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4:00 consultation with the most vibrant, happy, man on earth. Had two heart transplants and a kidney transplant. Somehow he touched me. <br />
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In hindsight all of this seems very superficial but each of these encounters was highly stimulating and emotional. Whether it was a hilarious moment, a tear jerking moment or an inspirational moment--today is how all my days are. It's no wonder I'm numb. Who could really handle all of this in one day? I do. E.V.E.R.Y. day. Now I know why I don't let myself feel. It's way too exhausting.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-13675186840625287602013-05-26T21:27:00.000-07:002013-05-26T21:27:44.094-07:00Slow and Steady Fails the Bar?Since I received the bad news I have not really made a huge dent in the study material. So far I went through torts and spent today on Con Law. Don't feel like I have accomplished much and I am not as motivated as I thought I'd be. Especially after noticing that on my first read I failed by less than 20 points! Fuck! Each day truly does get better but I am feeling a lot of hatred toward my employer right now. They have zero sympathy for me and have not so much as offered to reduce my responsibility AT ALL. <br />
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Up until now, I really felt committed and dedicated to my job. But knowing that I may potentially be less useful to them and their response thereto, has left a bad taste in my mouth. Like Disney says, (ad nauseum) LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF! YOU WONT FAIL THIS TWICE, NOT ON MY WATCH!" She knows best.<br />
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Problem is, I am encumbered by this big beautiful apartment I HAD TO HAVE. Disney also reminded me that I was utterly miserable living in a bedroom. (This goes back to my hoarder experience days) Living in a bedroom that was busting at the seams with my shit. <br />
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I really just want to run away and go live with my sister...I daydream about how I could pull that off but the sensible and responsible and grown up thing to do is to fulfill my lease---then run for the fucking hills asap!<br />
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Counting the minutes...JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-51680054982174272013-05-21T19:33:00.000-07:002013-05-21T19:33:49.540-07:00un-Lucky No. 34I was the proud recipient of the California Bar Exam Score Card. This girl made it to a re-read, which is amazing by the way. If you fail there are two perspectives:<br />
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I hope I failed by a lot that way I know my hard work was not wasted, I have a serious defect. OR I hope I failed by a little because that means I have some minor tweaking to do and then I will pass.<br />
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I am of the latter group. I failed by 34 mother-fucking points! I could not be happier. My ex failed by 55 points and he had his score before mine. I was so proud of him! So imagine how I feel about me? Super duper proud. Yes, I failed but BARELY! This girl is ready to hit the ground running with fortitude and tenacity this gawdforesaken bullshit exam has never seen. Ok, little dramatic but that's me! <br />
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My stomach instantly stopped hurting! What a relief, I just need to practice, practice, practice. The task feels so much more manageable now.<br />
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Ahhhhh. Sleep is calling me, thank god.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-7578012622496527582013-05-19T17:42:00.002-07:002013-05-19T17:42:04.553-07:00SimplicityI want it.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-19076218491927915002013-05-18T22:09:00.000-07:002013-05-18T22:09:35.772-07:00This name does NOT appear on the Pass List -Feb 2013Cheers to being on the wrong half of the 50% statistic.<br />
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As you may or may not be able to imagine, today is one of the worst days of my entire life. My reaction to failing the bar exam wasn't what I would consider typical for me--at all. It went down like this:<br />
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I hit EVERY red light on the way home from work. The text messages, email messages, facebook messages came flooding in and it caught me by surprise. It was 6:05 p.m. and I had not checked my results yet. In a way, I knew in my heart I did not pass.<br />
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My best friend finally arrived and I checked ...my name was not there. I just sat there. My BFF insisted on checking again. I told her that I really wanted to be alone. That was hard to say because I know she wanted to be there for me. No amount of consolation would help at this point and I know she felt helpless. She graciously left and checked in with me later. I cried a little but all in all very little tears have been shed. Normally, I am a huge cry baby but lately, it's just not in me. Maybe I am finally emotionally healthy and each event doesn't have to be a tragedy. That would be nice.<br />
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For the purposes of healing I am going to go through the sequence of events, as I remember them today, which I believe led to my demise.<br />
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Bar Study- The first few weeks were odd. Going back to Law school to study and attending barbri with my ex boyfriend felt wrong. Although him and I are on ok terms, I don't need to look at his face everyday. It's just not necessary. Then my ex boyfriend decided to be-friend one of my enemies. Those two loved throwing that in my face every chance they got. He is a disloyal guy. Not in the cheating sense but in the sense that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with being friends (very close) with a girl I hate. Whatever. They ended up driving each other crazy anyway because my ex is an acquired taste and not many can handle his type of neurosis.<br />
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For a good 4 weeks I struggled with finding a peaceful place to study---away from him. That was a waste of a lot of precious energy. Today him and I are far, far, away from each other. In fact, we are still in touch sometimes and I know he is taking the test a good 100 miles away from where I will go. And, I am getting a super amazing hotel room for the exam because this girl needs her <strike>beauty</strike> brain sleep.<br />
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Then my second issue was renting a room. I did not have my own space. If I wanted to study at home, it was not an option. That bothered me a lot. Today I have a big beautiful apartment all to myself. Only problem is I have to work full time while studying this time. Good news about that is that I work much better under IMMENSE pressure.<br />
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The test...I never told anyone this because I was afraid to but now I have nothing to lose. The first day, the proctor called the one hour mark and I was already done with the first three essays. Up until he called time, I thought I was right on schedule. When I realized how early I was done, I was <b>filled with terror.<i></i></b> I tried, <i>the best I could</i>, to figure out what I missed and ended up just filling in each answer with nonsense. This backwards methodology MUST have compromised the integrity of the 'flow' of a coherent answer. Who knows what the final result ended up looking like. Somehow the afternoon session PT exam went so well (in my mind) that I forgot about the big huge problem with the morning essays.<br />
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Day two...I've explained this to several people and no one seems to quite get what I am saying. MBE day, I was under a hypnotic like trance. I literally was falling asleep. The proctor's probably became suspicious because I went to the bathroom at least 4 times to splash water on my face. I could not even see the questions because my eyes were so blurry and tired. Ironically, this guy that I spent some time with (classmate) during the exam breaks (pacing the parking lot for an hour) was SURE he failed. He was utterly defeated, to the point of wanting to quit after day one--PASSED. I won't lie I did feel a twinge of jealousy but he is a good man and him and his wife are expecting a baby soon so this is absolutely perfect. I wish him and his family a life full of love and happiness, they deserve it.<br />
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I don't have my score card yet, so all of this is speculation. When I get it I hope to be able to easily identify the issues. Please god let it be MBE's because those are by far the easiest thing to improve. If I bombed all essays, then I am in big trouble.<br />
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Bar Exam Review Phase Two begins Monday...Wish me luck and most importantly wish me peace. xoxo<br />
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Oh...ex boyfriend failed too and so did several very intelligent, capable people..I wish them all peace, love, and the energy to move forward.<br />
JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-90089248361754715832013-05-16T22:04:00.002-07:002013-05-16T22:04:47.159-07:00The day before the DAYHow did you cope? Stress levels are at an all time high. All of the bar exam websites are full of threads where people are venting and expressing extreme anxiety.<br />
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For me, well...I caved and bought a TV. For some reason when I'm stressed beyond measure I make big purchases. And to me, a TV is a big purchase. Last time I was THIS stressed, I made a $5k purchase/investment in me... I don't regret that but I find it interesting that stress drives me to spend money.<br />
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Other than that, Ive kept very very very busy.<br />
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Tomorrow is the day. Either I'll be a lawyer or I'll be studying again. Your prayers are appreciated.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-42900539709032517342013-04-25T18:41:00.002-07:002013-04-25T18:54:20.887-07:00Good Point Sissy...Several people have come to me in the last few days for the purposes of reconciliation!!! Crazy how this world works right? Anyway, my fear was that my sister would not approve of at least one reconciliation. So I discussed it with her, and my precious sissy said, "I am so proud of you for being open to forgiveness." All I needed was her blessing because my beef with some people involves her, indirectly.<br />
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To date, and since my last blog, my best friend and my cousin have reached out to me. Tomorrow I'm going to see my best friend and Sunday my cousin. I can't lie, I'm afraid because I love with my whole heart and when I open up to someone I become vulnerable. My sister says the difference between her and I, is that she has kids and a husband who are her #1. Whereas I, am just me, and so I give that extra love to those close to me. Inevitably the fallible human, takes advantage of my love and they disappoint and hurt me. She told me I need to learn to stay somewhat disconnected in order to preserve my heart.<br />
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Another very good, and smart point she made with regard to our ability to fess up when we fuck up is this: Both my sister and I were trained to be forthcoming when we fuck up. Our professions require it in order to avoid legal liabilities. She is an RN and in the last month has saved two lives under the age of 6! And me, well everyone knows if your lawyer fucks up its big trouble. But people are more likely to forgive you and NOT SUE you if you are honest and forthcoming. So, based on our education and training we have become accustomed to be straight with people. I asked her, why is it that my first instinct when I fuck up is to admit it and apologize? Other people deny shit, hide, and never look within themselves to see where they went wrong. My sister told me that we need to lead by example and also accept the fact that not everyone has the training and education we do. Therefore, human nature dictates other people's reactions or choices when faced with being caught doing stupid shit. <br />
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The first apology I received went like this: "I'm sorry you saw that, it was not meant for you to see." Ok, yes I know that it is none of MY business how others feel about me BUT...What if the person who is trashing you is like a sister to you and you have NO idea why they would say hateful mean things about you? Don't I have a right to be hurt and to ask, "what did I do to you to deserve your ill will towards me?"<br />
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The second apology, after I chewed on the first one, and without any prompting on my part, said, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I got caught up in some bs gossiping and it was wrong." Now that is what I'm talking about! We all gossip. It's normal, but if you got caught up, because you ARE human after all, at least have the heart to admit it. This second apology also included a heartfelt explanation about how she is continuously working on being a better person. She is already a good person. She just got caught up and I can totally appreciate that. I love her, and miss her terribly so I will open this door.<br />
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The other girl, well she is mad at me because I chose to not call in sick and get fired to go to Vegas with her. I was saving money for my bar exam sabbatical and helping my sister watch her kids at the time. It was bad timing. She decided to stop talking to me over it? I don't expect an apology from her but I do know that I won't expect to much from her period going forward.<br />
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It will be nice to reconnect with these people in this new phase of my life. Cheers to forgiveness!JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-44609961825869694172013-04-23T21:08:00.000-07:002013-04-23T21:08:55.493-07:00Cut from a Different Cloth- Accept it!Being a misfit is such a daunting task. The whole kid, husband, family, life isn't in my cards and I planned it that way. My fear is...regret. Will I regret dedicating my life to my intellectual endeavors? Family doesn't mean much to me. But at the same time, lately at least, I feel a twinge of sadness when I see all of the family photos posted on Facebook each weekend. People LOVE hanging out with their family. What am I missing? I do remember a time, vaguely, where I enjoyed my family. You leave a family gathering with an indescribable sense of peace. Those days are so long ago and even then, so far and few in between.<br />
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Defining yourself in terms of your accomplishments or your brilliant mind is shallow. It's just as bad as defining yourself based on being rich or beautiful. I like to think I am a good person. However, my heart and soul are constantly filled with doubt as to my "goodness." Why would my ENTIRE family, except one sister and one brother, have ill feelings towards me. They aren't shy about expressing their disgust and dislike toward me. Am I dumb? What did I do? If my memory serves me correctly, I remember dropping everything at any time to help my family. Somehow, I am estranged from them all. Preaching to me about forgiveness and acceptance does nothing for me. I am not the one who made the choice to disconnect from them. Granted, they have all hurt me and disappointed me with their reckless life choices but I've reached out--unsuccessfully.<br />
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Today, I decided that my life is designed this way for a reason and I need to figure it out. The universe needs me detached from my family for some reason. But what? It's been so many years that I cannot even fathom reconciliation with them. This brings me to dating...How in the hell am I going to explain that I do not have contact with my Mom or Dad and the only family I have in this WHOLE world is my sister and brother? If someone told me that I would automatically believe they are a shitty person. For example, my sister is my world and there is nothing on this planet I love more, when other people tell me they are estranged from their siblings it freaks me out. (Projection?)<br />
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I've dedicated a majority of my life to being self aware. So I believe that I have integrity and hold my good character in the highest regard. Absent a character flaw, or being a liar, cheat or thief, why would you own family not love you? Also, it's telling that my WHOLE family feels this way, all for different reasons. If it were just one family member then it could be chalked up to having a personality conflict with one family member. <br />
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My family is small, which changes things a bit. On my maternal side I have my Mom--that's it. On my paternal side I have two aunts, one uncle, four cousins, my dad, his wife and a step grampa. I guess the most painful part of all of this is not having supportive parents. No matter what I do, how hard I work, what I accomplish, I am not worthy of their love and acceptance. My Mom accuses me of being arrogant and talking down to her. I pride myself in remaining humble and I definitely do not look down on her. In fact I am in awe of the obstacles she has overcome in her life. She was an orphan so she just may not have it in her to love me uncondtionally? She admits we did not bond when I was a baby. Hence, my attachment disorders...JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-11770496476903878122013-04-22T21:29:00.000-07:002013-04-22T21:33:14.742-07:00Baconi fucking love eggs<br />
but i dont know how to cook bacon<br />
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9:23pm<br />
Shannon Elizabeth<br />
It's easy!!!<br />
<br />
9:24pm<br />
JDMAYBE<br />
how<br />
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9:24pm<br />
Shannon Elizabeth<br />
It's the only thing I can cook<br />
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9:24pm<br />
JDMAYBE<br />
its like cooking rice<br />
im good at rice<br />
but i cant cook bacon<br />
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9:24pm<br />
Shannon Elizabeth<br />
You just throw it in a pan. Then flip. Then done!<br />
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9:24pm<br />
JDMAYBE<br />
explain like you are telling a five year old<br />
no<br />
not good enough thats not true<br />
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9:24pm<br />
Shannon Elizabeth<br />
I wouldn't tell a 5 year old to use a stove.<br />
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9:25pm<br />
JDMAYBE<br />
ok an age appropriate first time bacon cooker<br />
lol<br />
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9:25pm<br />
Shannon Elizabeth<br />
Big frying pan, med heat, I cut the bacon strips in half, place all that fit on the hot pan.<br />
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9:25pm<br />
JDMAYBE<br />
it sits there for a long time tho rightJD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-66817132978752558562013-04-21T18:54:00.001-07:002013-04-21T18:54:14.800-07:00Post Bar Exam Pre Bar Resultswhere are we now?<br />
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Well, I don't know where everyone else is because we have not maintained contact. It's like a group of people who you suffered immeasurable boredom and pain with and being around them only reminds you of the pain. Some call it PTSD. <br />
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Where am I?<br />
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Well, lets see...<br />
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I moved into my own apartment finally! April 6, 2013 was supposed to be the happiest day I've had in a long time. Instead it was a fucking nightmare. My first apartment was facing a parking lot and the south. That means I was exposed to the afternoon sun all day long. It also meant that I was facing an ominous looking parking lot. Most traumatically I was faced with...roaches.<br />
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Don't judge, it's like lice, I didn't bring them nor have I ever been exposed to them. Therefore, I had no idea how to deal with them. I purchased 100 traps, boric acid and spent hours researching them. For one entire week I complained every single day and forwarded pictures of the monsters. The complex management had my apartment sprayed twice and they still would not subside. Finally, on Sunday April 14, 2013 I sent an email stating that I was moving the fuck out Monday! <br />
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Management called me and offered me a new apartment. I reluctantly went to see it and it was beautiful. An amazing view with now neighbors across from me. I accepted their offer and now I am in heaven. <br />
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About the bar exam...what a weird transition. From student to bar exam applicant to almost lawyer still law clerk bitch. It's like you know a lot but not enough and most importantly you do not have a license.<br />
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Each night I daydream about how this could go bad and good. It causes me a great deal of anxiety. I can't imagine having to study for this fucking thing again! But alas I have a peaceful living environment. JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-13029435654334293192013-03-30T23:08:00.001-07:002013-03-30T23:11:41.263-07:00My Grown-up ApartmentCollege has taken up about ten years of my life. At 34 years old, I have yet to plant roots. It seems like just when I get settled in an apartment I meet a guy, fall in love, and move in-with him. Then I give all of my household items to those in need. This has happened all too frequently in my life. It's really not that tragic though because most of my stuff was junk anyway. This apartment will be different and it's exhausting. Today, I spent seven hours searching for things that represent me. I went to Homegoods, Ross, Kirkland, Target, Furniture Stores, Thrift Stores, you name it I was there today. While analyzing how I went wrong in the past and why I am filling another household when I should have kept the stuff I already had, it occurred to me that I should set boundaries with myself. Hence the rule: If I don't LOVE it, I don't buy it. If I live in emptiness for a while, so be it.<br />
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THE RULE<br />
The purpose of the rule is to make sure I don't fill my space up with junk for the sole reason of filling empty space. If I don't LOVE it, I don't buy it. In other words I will be living in 915 square feet of emptiness until I find the perfect everything. LSBoy has graciously donated one of his many couches, which also happens to be my favorite couch ever and will totally suffice as a bed, temporarily. Other than that, I have two dressers, a night stand and a desk. <br />
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I came home with a Kate Spade sugar bowl that regularly goes for 85.00, I paid 12.00. [WOOHOO] My normal habit is to just buy everything I need regardless of whether I found it to be the best fit for me. I would have expected myself to feel frustrated because I have five days to do what I always do, fill up an apartment with junk. Interestingly, I felt empowered because I was being very particular about what I want. Once I got home I took a 45 minute shower (thrift stores are gross), and then went to my old faithful Amazon cart. <br />
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VIRTUAL WINDOW SHOPPING-AMAZON CART<br />
Another odd habit of mine is to obsessively search online, for the perfect everything. I compare prices and read reviews until I am cross eyed. Then I fill my Amazon cart up. Next step, close browser. Today I decided to commit. After the 200th time looking at these specific dishes, glasses, flatware, pots, and corning ware, I decided it was time.<br />
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WHAT YOU WANT vs. WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE<br />
It's hard to follow my rule when I see things like bathroom accessories, knives in a wood block and various ladles in a metal cup. Chances are you either own all of those things, or know someone who does. I think everyone has those things. They are all completely unnecessary. Dirt collecting, unsanitary sources of clutter is how I see it. Toothbrush holders, and fancy wood blocks are appealing in theory but once you get them in your kitchen they just collect dust. All you need are super luxurious bathroom rugs, soap, and hand towels. Don't leave your toilet paper rolls out in some fancy metal thing and certainly do NOT leave your toothbrush out. Don't be tricked by the glitter and curvy metal, its all just clutter- unnecessary dust collecting junk. I would have fallen for the trick in the past. Thinking about the actual function of things helps me not buy shit that I really don't understand to begin with. <br />
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THE COLORS- OR LACK THEREOF<br />
Trendsetter I'm not. The bright spring colors are very attractive and it's hard for me to succumb to consumerism. My preference is white. Navy blue is also on my top five list. The struggle is between my subconscious desire to be the crazy single girl I used to be with the crazy decor and the professional grown ass woman I really am. I truly believe I could live in an all white house. Isn't that odd? Also, I have a chair obsession. And, I also like solid wood furniture. My friend said to me, "don't buy such expensive stuff..what if you get married?" That reminded me of one of my favorite books ever. Falling for Me...by Anna David. <br />
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Anna talks about the Vogue icon, and greatest female role model of all time Anna Wintour. She was a feminist before feminism really became mainstream. But a different type of feminist. More like the kind who learns the rules to the game and plays it without compromising her god given gifts of femininity. Back to Anna David, after some serious soul searching she goes out and buys ridiculously expensive window treatments. Anna turns her "little girl" apartment into her heaven. The moral of the story is, we don't have to wait until marriage to fill our lives with quality things that make us very happy.<br />
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I promised myself before LSBoy that I would never move in with a guy before marriage. Well, shit happens and I was left with nothing. This time I mean it. I'm not getting rid of my stuff ever again. And, everything in my house will truly represent me. Grown up, semi professional, brilliant, self sufficient, ME. Finally.<br />
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p.s. No kids allowed in my apartmentJD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-29815518592824689212013-03-16T21:47:00.003-07:002013-03-16T21:47:43.401-07:00DatingOne of many ridiculous messages I received today:<br />
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"That blows me away how you climb on that rock. Your so amazing! My name is Rob. I wish I can take you out and get to know you. I like to workout and am in good shape - nothing like that rock climbing but I love to race motocross. I am muscular with real broad shoulders and very clean cut.<br />
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Your so pretty and beautiful!! I want to meet you and get to know you. :)"<br />
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WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? I dont climb rocks? So confused. Idiot.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3036457339062709853.post-56651271971085714432013-03-16T21:14:00.000-07:002013-03-16T21:14:00.417-07:00Actually Living?My very good friend, soon to be law firm partner, wrote a <a href="http://disneydoesdallas.blogspot.com/2013/03/running-in-circles.html">blog post</a> that got me thinking.<br />
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My only focus in life is achieving goals. Enjoying life, finding hobbies, or relationships with family, friends, boys, none of that is very important to me. Now I feel sad. Where do I start? I don't even know what things people do that constitute "living" life. Being a prisoner to school and a demanding job for sooooo many years has brainwashed me. I forgot what I used to do. I think I used to live life but I can't be sure.<br />
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It's always- as soon as I ______________, I will start to live life. The _______________, never happens. I must vow to figure all of this out and try to find out what would make my life rich.JD-Maybehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01683866849372870696noreply@blogger.com2