JD?...Maybe

Rediscovering My Womanhood and My timely Insight

2012-01-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

First for the not so fascinating but timely Insight click here

I am 100% addicted to the Huffington Post. Mostly, because they have a Divorce column which I find to be very interesting. Ok, now that I got that off my chest on to more interesting topics.

In the past I have written exhaustively about my sexuality and how important it is to me. My last relationship was about as passionate as you feel cleaning the litter box. Actually, even that gives me more satisfaction. Anyway, this coldness made me very bitter. I began to hate myself, more than I already did, because why didn't this man desire me? What was wrong with me? This was a situation I had NEVER encountered. His excuse was "I always get like this in long term relationships." I used to tell him, "one day a girl is going to light you on fire, it's just not me for some reason." At least I was honest with myself. It can't be that he will live his whole life like that, can it? If so, man that will suck for his future wife.

Slowly but surely I am feeling like a girl again. I am learning to appreciate my curves, and my pretty eyes, and I just want to look pretty. I want to glow. So I generally try to look happy---fake it till you make it right? Well, maybe I met a boy and maybe he found a way to wake me up and maybe his attention reminds me that I am desirable. He's very cute, is generally smart, successful, older than me and is OK with the fact that I don't want kids. Most men cringe when I say that. Not to say that I intend to actually let this become anything but it is nice to be reminded that I am a woman.

Looking Back

2012-01-30T13:23:00.001-08:00

This was the beginning of the journey, my god it's funny. I think I was a better writer before law school :/

RARE BUT NOTEWORTHY

2012-01-25T22:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not content often. My ideas and thought processes are way too complex and I can make a problem fifty times more difficult then necessary. I briefed a "battle of the forms" case in Sales today and to add to the complexity of the case it was an MSJ and a counter MSJ. The holding wasn't about the courts analysis of 2-207 it was a denial of the MSJ's. (poor casebook editing) So when the teacher said, "What does the court think?" I said, the court thinks that there are issues of material fact and he denied their respective MSJ's. Teacher wasn't satisfied but that was the truth! The court didn't decide the merits of the case right then and there--It wasn't a trial, it was an MSJ!? Am I wrong?

My friend said I need to "watch more simple programs on TV" and "Read more simple things." WHY? SO I CAN IMAGINE HOW MUCH HARDER I CAN MAKE THEM? Teachers often comment on my exams "creative argument." This means that I don't think like normal people do, which I already knew. My fear is that this disability is going to cause me to fail the bar. How can I train my mind to "get to the point"-- as it were?

Anyway, my new routine is becoming familiar and fun- work, school, gym. It's a lot of things to do in one day. At the end of it all I find myself up late at night trying to unwind. I prefer this over sitting alone thinking up ways to be miserable!

The Yoga instructor at the gym today was a real Yogi. She ended the workout with guided meditation. It went like this: Picture a picture frame in your mind, now put the most irritating person you know in it and wish them love, joy, peace, etc. Then put the person you love unconditionally in the frame, repeat, next put your own face and repeat. Very sweet. And so there you have it--I'm feeling content right this minute. Since this minute is all that counts, I'm doing well. N A M A S T E <3

Steve Jobs spoke to me, he said,

2012-01-24T22:12:00.001-08:00

Source: zsazsabellagio.blogspot.com via Squirt on Pinterest

I feel it!!! Gratitude!

2012-01-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

Today was great for so many reasons, simple reasons. First, I got a phone call from my client who caused me so much emotional turmoil last week...and.....THEY ARE RECONCILING!!!!! 26 years of marriage is worth it! I couldn't help but tell her that I wished her the very best of luck! She sounded surprised at my enthusiasm but her retainer is non refundable, so I'm all for reconciliation, at least in her case. On paper her life was perfect, when the divorce docs were done and ready to be signed her eyes got watery. Normally this wouldn't phase me one bit, but this particular lady seemed so unaffected and cold-- the watery eyes surprised me and made her human to me.

One of my most troublesome clients has been subjected to some outrageous allegations, which I will not go into detail about but I worked my ASS off on his defense and I think he has a very good chance at winning! I just had an overall good day today with my clients. They all love me so much and they are so nice to me--It feels absolutely wonderful to be trusted by these people. Their livelihoods are in my hands and they have so much confidence in me. It makes me so excited to take the bar, I can't let all these people down! They believe in me.

Out of the blue my best friend decided to read my blog, which she doesn't do regularly. (Shame on you!) Anyway, she reached out to me and said EXACTLY what I needed her to say to make me feel good today. She just somehow said the perfect thing and it made me so very grateful for her! I am a handful as a friend, I am very selfish with my time, and not very social. I don't think I would like me very much. That's what over 25 years of friendship gets you!

I did yoga last night and it was the perfect ending to a reflective day. A lot of shit in my head was released and today I felt so light. I just felt normal, not especially happy and not sad at all. That is the best way to be! Just to be!

I lost 5lbs! My boss is giving me a raise! AND my intern/slave starts tomorrow!

Through the depths of sorrow comes brighter days, that is for sure!

If you could only see how green her eyes are when she says.....

2012-01-23T22:49:00.000-08:00

Today was a day of clarity for me. So many things emerged to the surface and came out of my head and onto a peice of paper. I always knew that writing makes me feel better and helps me sort out the chaos in my mind. Truth is, I am plagued by a disease--a common disease, depression. I eat clean, I work out, I'm spiritual, I generally wish others well and I try to be a productive member of society and it's never enough.

Three hours of remedies was spent just draining my darkness onto that piece of paper, I just prayed the teacher wouldn't call on me because I had tears in my eyes the whole time. But it felt SO GOOD! Who the hell am I to be sad? I have it all, people would kill to have my life and there I am --sad and ungrateful. Not on purpose though, I am sick. My mind is not well and it's not entirely within my control ALL THE TIME. Most of the time it is my responsibility to work it out and move on but sometimes it gets the best of me.

I decided today, that I need to go to therapy. Whoa big epiphany, right? Well actually it was because I finally figured out why I can not find a therapist that I like. The one therapist that "cured" my hate towards my mom is just too damn far away. But she has known me for about ten years and has saved my life twice, literally. Anyway, I figured out today that I am too smart and self aware for just any "counselor" I need a doctor, I need someone with an advanced education that can relate to my troubles and my level of self analysis. Because to be quite honest, without sounding arrogant, I have spent endless hours reading and researching different human behaviors so when a person comes at me with the hierarchy of needs or some sophomoric bullshit like that, I lose hope. So tomorrow I will find a psychologist, who at least has a PHD if not an MD. I know I can talk myself through this transition with the right "inspiration" and only a highly educated person will be able to keep up with my psycho babble. Done! Problem solved!

Next, I want to remind myself, by way of this post, of a great love I once had. I have had the pleasure of falling in love FOUR times! Which to me is remarkable considering many have never fallen in love even once. Anyway, this fella's name is Kissy Face. Kissy face and I first met in junior high school--he was a huge dork so of course I was nice to him but not too friendly. What was interesting about Kissy Face was that he was BEST friends with all of the prettiest girls--gay right? Nope, he wasn't gay, he was smart. The years were kind to Kissy Face, he blossomed, although late into a super handsome, tall young man. One day after high school I was shopping at Millers OUtpost (remember that place!!!) and he was working there. I did a double take, I was like wow, what a cutie. Mind you I went to college late in life so at this point I was at the height of my delinquency at the ripe age of 20. He walked up to me and I instantly got butterflys. It didn't take long, because I always get what I want--he became my 2nd love of my life. What reminded me of all of this is that today, 13 years later, that sweet boy still loves me. He emailed me yesterday saying "we are perfect for each other, lets do it." I said NO.

The love that Kissy Face and I had was an all consuming soul to soul love that I felt so much and so deep that I literally cried, thinking about how much I loved him. We were 100% connected in every way. He read my mind and he loved me so much. He bought me flowers every single friday, he sang songs to me, he told me I was beautiful 100 times a day. And he was beautiful too. The problem is that I got very scared of the intimacy and broke it off. Some very tragic events happened to him and resulted in him getting involved with the wrong people and subsequently developing a serious drug addition. He even ended up incarcerated at one point. Today Kissy Face has been clean for 2 years. And I do not trust drug addicts--No matter what. My mother was a drug addict and I learned the hard way that when life throws an addict a curve ball, drugs are their best friend. I have too much to lose to invest in him. But what I wont forget is that there are men out there who can love me the way I need to be loved.

If you could only see my eyes....

Here I go again...

2012-01-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

Slipping into darkness. This shit gets old! I'm so tired of feeling like this all the time.

I work out
I eat well
I rarely drink

what more can i do...its beyond me.

You No Longer Deserve to be Pacified

2012-01-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

This may be the single hardest part of breaking up or divorcing. This occurred to me while pondering the different ways I could manipulate my client's spouses to give them what they want. It's not that easy because once you break up all bets are off. He doesn't have to worry about dealing with you later, and to be frank, he doesn't care if it hurts you. That is the ugly truth and extremely frustrating. To go from getting what you want to getting the cold shoulder. You imagine your previous arguments and remember his teary eyes and him begging you or promising things will get better. Get over that right now, because it is not going to happen again. 80% of relationships that end and then reunite break up again within 1-3 months.

Learn to accept that you are no longer the most important thing in his life. Learn to accept that he will not give you more visitation, or support, or the crockpot- It's over. When negotiating the terms of your divorce change your frame of mine, you are now dealing with a stranger, sad but true.

Skip the Club and Hit the Stair Climber instead

2012-01-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

Save your dignity, 1000 calories, a hangover, and you can dance while doing it. Today as I dominated that gawd damn stair climber, I realized I pretty much dance while I'm doing it. Ludacris or DEV in my ear as I fucking work that ass! It is SO MUCH FUN! The endorphins are pumping through my veins and I'm dripping sweat. It's such a high. The best part is I don't come home with a bunch of random phone numbers in my phone, random text messages, I do not sleep in my clothes and wake up with a headache! I'm old---my clubbing days are over but my dancing days will never be over.

On another note...yesterday I had client meetings ALL day lone, one after another. I left with a heavy heart and a stomach ache. This morning when I told my boss how this job doesn't usually get to me but yesterday it did, she exclaimed, "THAT IS EVERY DAY FOR ME, IT SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME." Now I get it. She spends all morning in court with these people and then meets prospective clients all afternoon. Sad story after sad story. Every single person who comes to us and wants to end their marriage nicely ends up getting stabbed in the eyeball by their soon to be ex spouse. Play nice people, please!!!! It's all very tragic. False allegations of child abuse, CPS, private investigators with raunchy pictures, nasty text messages, horrible face book posts and 26 years of marriage down the drain. THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER! I wish these people peace and I will channel my empathy towards working hard to protect them and get them what is fair.

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the death of my soul cat. Samuel L. Jackson, the cat died on this day 3 long sad years ago. It hurts today the same as it hurt the day it happened. Except it's double sad because I don't have his brother Spike here with me. LSBoy kept spike. My heart hurts for them. Oh man.....

I have been estranged from my family, except my sister since May--and my Grandma allegedly has bone cancer. My aunt called to let me know, since no one else will bother to fill me in. I called my brother, who I am also still speaking to and asked him for advice about this. He never had a relationship with any of these people so to him it's just "the right thing to do" to go visit my grandma--at least once soon. I, on the other hand, decided yesterday that my decision is to move on with my life and not look back. My family turned their back on me, for VERY, VERY stupid reasons. My Dad has caused me more heartache and trouble, and he surrounds himself with people who don't like me. Weird, right? They will not be getting graduation invites from me. Hope I don't die a lonely old hag.

Despite all this, I am really still quite peaceful. School is a lot of fun and I enjoy my job, most of the time.

Almost Gym Rat Status

2012-01-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

Just need to get on board with the weight training. I can't seem to muster up the motivation to hit the weights. It's boring, and can be a spectacle if you do not know what you are doing. I did however find a very helpful book called The Body Sculpting Bible for Women

I have not weighed myself in almost two weeks because it is just too much of a bummer when the scale hasn't moved. My body feels stronger. My gym wardrobe has been updated and I am sleeping like a baby. So hey law nerds tell me the COA for this: Dude at gym takes pictures of girl doing the butt blaster at the gym. Girl catches creepy dude and reports it. Gym calls the cops. (this really happened today) WHAT RESULT? I was super proud that I was able to easily rationalize the analysis on this. I am curious to see what you all say. I'll post the analysis by the end of the week. It's brief but maybe I missed something, so fill me in.

Regarding Dating: well I dabbled in an online dating website for about 4 days and it was OVERWHELMING!! Wow! So many men, so many red flags, so little patience for the creepiness! D E L E T E!! No thanks.

Just dealing with the upcoming bar study/taking financial blues. This shit is no joke: $4k for Barbri, almost $800 for the bar, $150 to graduate...Other than that all is good over here in JDMaybe land!

One more law dork question, do any of you Lawyer or Law Student bloggers feel the overwhelming urge to add numbers to the left of your post and a caption and then do you want with all of your heart to justify the whole thing? Maybe there is a way to do all this?

Watch your Thoughts...

2012-01-17T22:29:00.001-08:00

The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love Born out of concern for all beings.
The Buddha

DESIDERATA..

2012-01-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Am I still in Law School or is this a Dream?

2012-01-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

This is my LAST semester in law school!!!! It has been an amazingly long and trying journey. My whole world has been on pause for four years!! Soon I will have to be assimilated into society all over again. Bitter sweet, is what it feels like. My law school friends and professors are my family, my favorite people because I can relate to them and they can relate to me. They understand my strange rants about what is right and what is wrong--and they know a part of me that many do not. For example no-one but my law school friends know how much perseverance, dedication and drive I have or how damn hard I work. To my real life friends and family I am just simply an antisocial hermit or some think I am a pretentious snob who chose to not be around any more.

Saying good bye to this chapter feels very overwhelming. School is my security blanket. One of my classes this semester only has 7 students in it and we meet at a cafe. The teacher encourages us to have a glass of wine to facilitate more open dialogue. This is all very surreal. I am no longer the snot nosed 1L---I am the young soon to be attorney. I am speechless, do not even have a coherent train of thought. The unknown is very scary to me. What happens next?

When You Realize your Problems are Trivial

2012-01-11T21:17:00.001-08:00

Not in the sense that you experience true tragedy or pain but in the sense that someone you loved dearly grows up to be such an amazing human being. My lil nugget is one of my "work girls" from M-Law. This lil girl was jersey shore before jersey was jersey shore--Snooky aint got shit on my lil nugget. By the time jersey shore became so popular my lil nugget had already moved on from the style of bronzers, big hair, cleavage and lots of jewlery. This little girls has always had an insatiable curiosity and hunger for knowledge and peace. Her and I spent hours walking 7 miles up PCH in Santa Monica talking and analyzing the world and human behavior.

What makes me so proud today and humble is the fact that in the four years since I have moved from LA she has traveled all over the world. Sometimes for school and sometimes for the non profit she works for and sometimes for fun. She has exposed herself to life and the world outside of the US. Today in her blog she writes,

"The more I travel, and especially being here, makes me realize my life in LA is not for me. Haven’t worried about what I am going to wear, where my phone is, all the stuff i want to buy (that I really don’t even need) and all the pretentious characteristics I deal with at home…all the stuff that feeds insecurity and what I dislike about myself, but can’t seem to escape."

I feel like part of me has given up on the thought of ever having the experiences she is having. As I have sold my soul to the devil otherwise known as SallieMae. For now I will live vicariously through her and continue to let her inspire me. The pride I feel about the big steps she has taken towards self awareness and charity literally makes my eyes water. Some people are blessings from god and she is one of them!

2012--What to do ...what to do...?

2012-01-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

Three weeks of solitude that is what I faced after finals. Thank god Im on the last week before school starts. I just can't be this NOT busy. Having all this time on my hands leads my mind to places I swore I wouldn't go..ie.dating. Here's the thing, I can't date because I don't want to fall in love during the bar exam, I can't date because I am a fat ass, I can't date because I'm sort of still in love with someone else, and most importantly I can't date because I can't ever EVER ever sign up for online dating.

I work in family law, so as you can imagine all of my clients are newly single. That means at least 50% of them sooner or later find themselves on a dating website. How mortifying would it be if one of my clients saw me on one of those websites? I think it would be highly invasive of my personal life and unprofessional. What's a girl to do? I suppose I could get out but I do not want to meet someone at a bar. My ideal mate would be someone I worked on something with (school or work) and grew to like slowly. Bottom line is "lady bugs", lady bugs will come and land all over you while you are asleep. Quit looking for lady bugs and they will land. Except I'm not looking, I'm just worrying about looking.

I'm going to the gym, I am driving myself crazy again! :)

Could NOT have said it better myself....

2011-12-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

This is E X A C T L Y how I feel! I am now in love with this girl! By the way, I have not felt so good psychologically in 3 years. I am living and open to so many things, LSBoy sucked the life out of me, unintentionally of course. Saw Eat Pray Love again today, I also read the book. There is a point when the characters address the problem of losing yourself when you are in a relationship and that is where the fear stems from. I sort of think that when I meet the man that doesn't cause me to lose myself...he will be THE ONE. I love me and I don't want to give ME away again. I'd rather be alone.

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Still Raging

2011-11-29T22:00:00.001-08:00

You know what, I have a bad day here and there and I get through it. Most days are better than good but when they are bad, they are really bad.

Today my girl bff told me she saw LSBoy on a dating website. FURIOUS is an understatement, use some discretion idiot.

I truly hate him right now. He waited 4 weeks before going on the hunt for the next piece of ass?

Would you be mad? I'm mad but not sad--I don't want him back but I did expect him to mourn the loss of me. Guess I'm just another notch on his belt. If my shit goes missing or gets thrown away this will get ugly. V E R Y ugly.

Pop Culture and New Adventures...mostly rambling

2011-11-25T22:53:00.000-08:00

Wow! Who knew--all this interesting stuff is going on in the world. This is what I just finished reading:

New York Magazine: which taught me about beautiful properties in the Hamptons, dark lipstick is back "in" Mathew Maconaughey is a wonderful Dolce & Gabbana model, Tiffany and Michael Kors have some super cute new stuff out

O the Oprah Magazine: yes I know, I'm not a drinker of this Kool Aid but I have a lot of extra time on my hands now--surprisingly this magazine wasn't full of her propaganda. In fact the theme of the issue I just read is "Adventure" and I must say some of the stories were outright inspiring.

For example this girl, Catherine Price took a trip to Tokyo without researching or using a guide book. She relied strangers by showing them questions she had typed on note cards in Japanese and English. What an adventure!!! I am on a tight budget but it is taking everything in me to not pack up my car and just start driving somewhere.

This is relevant to me because one of my biggest set backs is my inability to handle spontaneous events. This is problematic because as a lawyer you have to be ready for everything. In fact the job is all about swinging at fast balls all day long. I have to plan everything, and I do it carefully. God forbid something doesn't go according to plan, I will melt down. My new belief is this is one of my biggest problems, letting events and people define me--instead of just existing and being myself.

Then I accidently bought a Jewish magazine, not that i have a problem with that--because I don't. Anyway, there was a wonderful article about forgiveness written by Rabbi Rami Shapiro "The Essence of Forgiveness." Here is my favorite quote:
"Most of the hurts we experience are not meant for us. They are by-products of the suffering others are feeling. The truth is that most of the pain and suffering we feel isn't directed at us at all." Focus on forgiveness as an attitude!

Chanel No. 5 is kind of great. Chanel Jersey, not so much. Aqua di Gio needs to be outlawed, I hate that shit. Oh it's been one month and one week, I sort of missed LSBoy yesterday. Mostly I feel relieved still and sometimes angry. Thanksgiving was great my brother made the whole dinner and it was absolutely fantastic.

"Accidental" text

2011-11-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever sent out a text then realized later you sent it to the wrong person. Or have you ever sent out a text on purpose to make the receiver think it was an accident?

I got this text last night from LSBoy: "Going to bed so early?...Goodnight, sweet dreams"

You are probably thinking, is this some kind of bad joke? That's what I thought, right before I went fucking psycho on his ass.

I said: "Wrong girl, idiot. Delete my number from your phone RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND, so this doesnt happen again OR ELSE i am going to ruin your fucking life, do NOT test me."

He said 3x: "JD!JD!JD!"

I said: "I will repeat this ONE MORE TIME, delete my number from your phone or I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE."

Don't think his ex girlfriends, or his parents or their parents want to see what I have of them. Think, Paris Hilton...That's right you fuck me up like that and I WILL GET REVENGE. But today I decided living well is the best revenge, he's an idiot and some other chick can have him!

That's all. HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

The Rage Lives On--But Stella will get Her Groove Back, Believe That!

2011-11-22T21:27:00.000-08:00

First of all this bitch here is kicking ass and taking names in law school and my boy bff whom I will hereinafter refer to as R, said, "Im glad you are finding more productive ways to stroke your ego." DAMN STRAIGHT. Instead of going boy crazy like I did as a young gal, I am busting my ass at work and school and that shiz is paying off. I feel so good about myself AND people are noticing. This learning to love me stuff is really fun, if you have the courage, patience and wisdom to do it.

Not to say Im out of the woods entirely because today when LSBoy flaked on me for the FOURTH MOTHERFUCKING TIME to bring me the rest of my shit. I. almost. killed. this. dude! I told my boss she may have to bail me out tonight. FUCK! Same shit, he is so UNRELIABLE. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO PUT SOME CLOTHES IN A SUIT CASE AND PUT IT IN MY CAR?!?!?!? THAT GUY CANT GET SHIT DONE E V E R!!! I was so furious. Why can't you go somewhere and fuck yourself, while I pick up my belongings?!? Why? Do you think I am going to steal from you? Do you think I care if I see some panties lying around? I DONT FOOL----I LEFT YOU! Shit man.

So, I flipped the fuck out and R tried to wire me money to buy clothes because I was saying I'm sick of wearing the same 4 fucking outfits I packed when I left a month ago! But of course I wouldn't allow him to do any such thing, but what a guy, what a fucking thoughtful, considerate guy! Fuck!

So today was the Case Management Conference before the honorable hotstuff (I have an old man fetish) anywhoooo--after I flipped the fuck out on LSBoy via IM, I decided to take my sorry ass home, shower, hair, makeup and ironed my fucking stupid lawyer looking shirt-went to school-and argued the shit out of that case and WON! Thats right kids, my client got her job back, 100k and attorney fees. LSBoy, my partner in this project, just sat there looking bored. GAWDDDD! I was on fire though!

My sweet angel girlfriends said when I was done, "You look so beautiful arguing" I have never had a greater compliment! AND hotstuff only talked to me, he ignored LSBoy because I think it's pretty apparent that LSBoy doesn't do shit.

Long, boring story later, He managed to pack my car with some clothes and my beloved purses, I almost feel whole. I just need my shoes and my jewelry and then Stella will get her groove back, oh yeah--watch out!

Peaceful..that's all

2011-11-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to the bookstore. It has been a few weeks since I have graced it with my presence. The wardrobe for today will be warm and super cozy, I'll grab some coffee and spend hours lost in books. It truly is my favorite thing to do.

Before LSBoy and I started dating I was kind of miserable, so I can't blame him entirely. In fact I have battled with depression since I was about 11 years old. My belief is that we are mostly a product of our environment and them our biological make up just tops it off. The problem is that LSBoy exasperated my misery and did not foster growth, which was not his job anyway. Truth be told we were broken in a lot of the same ways. In fact his mother reminds me a lot of myself and his ex girlfriend is like my younger twin sister from a different life, it is very odd---except she appears to be normal.

My mother was an orphan, a real one. My father wanted to save her. He knocked her up at the ripe old age of 17--and then there I was. She didn't know how to be a mother, she didn't want me. According to my lovely family members who share the tragic stories with me, like it is not me they are talking about, she tried to give me up. The family folklore that was my childhood,is that my dad wouldn't allow her to give me up. From there I remember a lot of verbal abuse and neglect. But you know what, everyone has a story! EVERY PERSON ON THIS EARTH HAS A STORY. My story is no better or worse than anyone else.

The problem with MY story is that I was weak and I allowed my upbringing to kill my self esteem. I believed them when they told me I was a piece of shit, I believed them when they told me they wished I was never born, and I believed them when they told me I would never amount to anything. It wasn't strange to me that I didn't have to do homework. My parents absence in my life was normal to me. NO parent teacher conferences, no soccer games, no girl scouts or cheer leading---nothing. Coming to school late or not going at all was no big deal to me. There was no accountability. In fact I'll quote my mother, "What you do in high school will never matter later in life." I took those words literally and became a juvenile delinquent.

Those stories--- I wont share, but lets just say I was a very bad little girl. SO WHAT! LET IT GO, MOVE ON. Ok, I will, I am going to try. The thing is when I'm feeling inadequate or insecure it's not like I sit down and think, "you only feel this way because your parents were assholes, it's not your fault." That is not how my mind works. The feelings and thoughts are ingrained in my soul, my being--it is how I define myself. One has to physically work to get the false beliefs to the surface and destroy them. OR, you can live on, being self destructive and hating yourself. I chose to destroy them and I'm ready to work and fight to find out what a normal me is like.

To their credit, my mother has become a wonderful woman. She is the best nana a little kid could wish for. And she is sorry, and she didn't know any better and I forgive her. My dad, well I forgive him too, mostly.

Ok thats enough-- but that is why Im going to the bookstore because it makes me very very very peaceful. I'm hungry to be happy and I think my soul is ready now.

The Work Girls

2011-11-17T16:43:00.001-08:00

Today as walked like a human hurricane, like I always do, face down, feet moving fast, I noticed all the chicks in the community break room. The smell of their greasy food and the sound of their chitter chatter and giggles reminded me of "the work girls." When work is your life, you work 8-5, go home, watch tv, go to sleep and do it again. Not go to work, go to school all night, and study in between. (Thats my life for the past 3 years)

God I miss that...For my own narrcissistic pleasure I will document the series of work girls that have crossed my path throughout the years...I don't think my future profession allows for the comraderie of "work girls" it's more like the other bitch attorney down the hall...and we both think each of us is smarter AND cuter than the other.

So Lets See.....

Work Girls Pager Store: Three girls, two older and one my age. We got pretty close but my first memory of work girls is when I was 18 so my memory is foggy.

Work Girls AC Co. #1....
This is where it really began, I was 19 years old and messed up. I was like an orphan and these women took me on, groomed me, taught me how to be a lady, and how to file. I feel like this was a seminal time frame in my life because the people that worked here including one of the owners, took a special interest in me and pushed me to start school again, fix my credit, and stay sober so I could remain employed... We had so many traditions, eating donuts every single day, christmas parties, birthday parites, ordering breakfast, ordering lunch. Candle Parties, Saturday night RAW wrestling LIVE! "Can you Smell what THE ROCK is cooking!" I can't explain what I feel like inside when i remember this stuff. During this timeframe "The Ex's" brother died and "The other Ex" posted a fucking sign on the corner where my job was located that said, I LOVE YOU JD, LOVE "THE OTHER EX." I found out from the work girls, they called me at home. I drove my ass over there so fast and ripped that thing down. It was on the corner of a major intersection. It's a great feeling. Those women really helped shape me. I love them all.

Ok, I'll spare you...the MLaw Ladies are equally important but I've blogged about them in the past, if you are curious. Then there are the AC#2 girls but they were all assholes except one. There was a lot that went on during that time too. Ill blog later...

I bored myself already.....

When the Newness wears off

2011-11-13T19:07:00.000-08:00

They say it takes between 4 and 6 weeks to kick a "habit." That thrill of the new life and the new things that happen as a result of kicking a habit just goes away. It's not fun after that.

My recent breakup was just as anti climatic as our whole relationship. No drama, no tearful reunions---nothing. So here I am, home on a Sunday night feeling a little restless, bored, and just a little off. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the situation. In fact the longer I have to think about it, the more sure I am that it was for the best. But now what? Time to start planning some new goals and forcing myself to keep busy. Go to the gym? Anything. I need to go to the gym.

My guy BFF#2 who is also my roommates BFF since 7th grade :) told me a bunch of nice things about myself. And the thing is I truly DO NOT hear or believe him. He says these things and I think he is just trying to be nice. I really need to learn how to believe in myself and change my self concept because maybe I am as great as he says.

Last night BFF#2's husband must have told me 100 times "I can't believe how beautiful you are." I know this sounds weird and wrong, but it was innocent. I took a lot of time to groom myself last night. These two young boys (23) years old were also gushing over me. The thing is, my behavior and response to them probably screamed, "IM UGLY WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME!!" And we all know that's a huge turnoff. So somehow some way I have to feel pretty inside so when people compliment me I can take it the right way.

I am not beautiful, trust me. But when I try--really try I can look pretty good. But it's makeup and hair. Natural me is just blah. I feel so conceited writing this. I'm just thinking how LSBoy never once told me I was beautiful, nor did he ever verbally compliment me. It made me feel VERY ugly. Your boyfriend is supposed to make you feel like the prettiest girl in the world! Because in his eyes you are. I missed out on that.

Best....Hopefully last...Conversation EVER

2011-11-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

So you are going to think I am a huge hypocrit but I caution you to remember that my insights, if you will, come from hindsight. The mistake was made and quickly fixed. Exactly 7 days after LSBoy and I broke up was the pinnacle of my sadness. My feelings were all over the place and my judgment was missing in action. I called "The Ex" and I also called "The other Ex" my two old boyfriends. Can't tell which of the two outranks the other but I was with both of them simultaneously throughout my life and also separately.

Both of these poor fella's have some strange attraction to me. Either of them, at any time would drop everything to do what I wanted them to do. However, if either of them were mine exclusively the affinity would die in a matter of months. They are both addicted to me and we are all toxic for eachother. Anyway..............The ex and The other ex run in circles that sometimes overlap. And unfortunately for me last night they did just that, overlap. This led to the following conversation between "The ex" and I.

Last Night from The Ex: I HATE YOU

Next Morning
Me: Why? What happened?
Him: jk. I just wanted attention last night, good thing you didnt respond. What are you doing?

Me: Going to BFF#2's GMA's 90th Bday party. You should call your girlfriend if you need attention, just saying.

Him: Tell BFF#2 I said Hi. So I was told something that bothered me last night by the fat plumber. He said that you called "the other ex" the same night you called me, and I did call my girlfriend fyi.

Me: Ohhh...I beat you at your own game, lol! And fyi I called "the other ex" before I called you. And our mutual friends told me that you are a liar and you cheat on your girlfriend all the time, you were just playing the good boyfriend act to get down my pants, nice try.

Him: Im not playing games, and now my feelings are hurt. Now I know why we dont talk, you are a bitch, and you are mean spirited.

Me Dude you need to be real...for just once in your life. You lie, you Manipulate, and you always cheat. I feel sorry for your girl. you are gonna fuck her head up when she realizes what a dick you are.

Him: my girl is just fine. we have an awesome relationship.

Me: Ok, well, Im just being honest with you. You are a liar. And yes I am a bitch but I aint no dummie. PEACE

Him: Peace

Him: Fuck off!

Me: Lol, Ok!

Red Flags revisited and the Anger Stage

2011-11-08T21:36:00.001-08:00

Today was a very important day for me. It was the day that my case was up for oral argument before the honorable hotstuff. I worked DAMN FUCKING hard on my motion and I worked damn fucking hard all semester to do everything perfectly. Because I am the only person in the class with real legal experience I had a point to prove...and LSBoy knew it. He knew how hard I worked to win.

Unfortunately, my law firm consisted of LsBoy and I. Have no fear--- I always have a plan B. I arranged for the division of the work in such a way that did not require any collaboration between him and I. In other words I did all the work. The only task for LSBoy was to do the oral argument based on my Motion for Summary Judgement. Big surprise 20 minutes before class this fool texts me saying he doesnt have my motion.He "left it at work." Meaning he has not even read it. Therefore, how the fuck was this idiot going to argue my points. Livid is an understatement.

Then just when it can't get any worse the Judge calls our case first and LSBoy has not even arrived to school yet. Which also means he hasnt read my motion yet. He comes fumbling through the door in a panic and lies to the teacher saying he just took his cough meds and he needed a minute before he could argue. Here's a tip asshole, vacuume once in a while or dust or clean up your filthy house then maybe you would be able to breathe. I digress.

We go up for argument and this fool pulls out his phone, the judge says, "Excuse me Mr. LSBoy do you need to make a phone call?" Fucking moron. He says, "NO I want to record myself." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? RECORD YOURSELF MUTILATING MY ARGUMENT AND FUCKING OUR WHOLE CASE UP. Needless to say I had to step in here and there to button up THE MILLION HOLES in his argument. I have never been more happy I left him. Now for the redflag revisited...

When LSBoy and I first started "dating" if you want to call it that, since there were no dates involved. He would coerce me to come to his house under the auspices of "borrowing a book." This was second semester of law school; therefore, my enthusiasm and obsessive need to be prepared for class had not yet worn off. But stupid ass idiot me would let him borrow the book in exchange for him doing the briefs. That fool shows up to school LATE with my book and NO BRIEFS! He didn't even warn me so I could copy someone else s. Inconsiderate, unaccountable, and totally unreliable, selfish asshole. GOOD RIDDANCE. My motion won by the way, no thanks to his stupid ass.

ANGER STAGE, I THINK... and now for ONE glass of wine. Goodnight kids :)

On the Rebound!--Who? NOT ME!!

2011-11-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

Break up and call an ex or “the” ex call someone….QUICK, ego is broken need to fix it ASAP! Not me! Over the past three years I have received about a half a dozen calls from ex boyfriends who have found themselves single again. Sometimes guys that blew me off for another girl call me when they are done with that girl. Every once in a while I would have a short chat with these guys but at the end of the day why would I want to be the fall back girl? The girl who fixes, albeit temporarily, the bruised ego of some stupid guy? To put this in a different perspective, I have been vulnerable, scared, sad, angry all of those things during the past two and a half weeks but the thought of calling an ex is not appealing to me because to me it’s an insult. “Hi, I haven’t talked to you in a while, or I left you for someone else, but now I’m alone …are you available to stroke my ego?” It’s weird how age gives you a different point of view on things.

You will all be glad to know that I have not broken any of my promises to myself. I have not been self destructive by ANY means. In fact I have been healing and reading and loving myself—a lot! Maybe even spoiling myself a bit but who cares, I deserve it and it has been way to long.

Today I told my very good friend a story about a book I am reading called psycho Cybernetics and the theories of visualization. I explained to him that in my law school bar prep class each of the assignments I have turned in have been CRAP! The teacher was actually concerned about my writing etc. But the other night I visualized my teacher saying that my paper was the best. I visualized it in a very detailed manner. Guess what!!!! Teacher passed my paper out last night in class as an example of a good analysis! Amazing, right? Ok…so no news is good news. I’m not counting days anymore and I’m not holding on to hope for a love that never was. Moving on and moving up—all on my own!

Sentiment-"A romantic or nostalgic feeling"

2011-11-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

Most people "going through" a break-up experience this dreadful feeling of nostalgia over E V E R Y single person, place or thing that they come across during the healing period. What if that doesn't happen? What if maybe you say certain things because it's automatic but you don't reallllly feel it?

LSBoy and I spent almost 3 years together and we did A LOT of "projects" together. He purchased multiple homes, which we renovated and rented out. Hours and hours and hours of hard fucking work. Tearing up floors, granite, fixtures, paint, landscaping, you name it we did it. BUT we did not ever have "moments" there was no gazing into eachother's eyes, no butterflies, no moments in time where I experienced that connection that fills you with love and makes you crazy. How fucking sad is that.

My sister currently lives in one of the homes LSBoy and I renovated and she is going to purchase the home. However, she made a comment yesterday that she wouldn't buy the home if it would make me uncomfortable. In other words she wanted to make sure that I could be at her house without being miserable. I didn't even hesitate...Of course not! I am totally comfortable here.

Don't get me wrong I feel lonely--at times. For example last night I was very lonely but instead of being self destructive and going out to drink and flirt with random guys---I stayed in with my sister and went to bed early. Woke up bright and early without a single regret! Thank god!

Sometimes I wonder if I say "i'd move mountains for him" or that "I love him with all of my heart" just because I should feel that way. You see LSBoy has changed me. I have learned so much practical shit from him. He was a loyal friend and he took care of me when I was in a VERY dark place. I sometimes wonder if that dark place was exasperated by our relationship--in fact I'm pretty sure it was. LSBoy is a gentle person, he is a genius and he would do anything for anyone. But he can't love. He is incapable of experiencing intimacy. I guess he doesn't care because he doesn't know what he is missing. It was brought to my attention that based on his extraordinary skills in EVERY single thing he does, and his robotic emotional reactions he may have Asperger syndrome. Well, I am grateful to him for all I have learned from him and I still do not know what the future holds for us,if anything. But I wish him true love, peace, and happiness.

His & Hers- Moving On- and Generation Jersey Shore

2011-11-02T09:34:00.001-07:00

So far I've lived at my new home for 3 days and it has been perfect. Just enough interaction with the roommates to not feel lonely but still have my privacy, and also still give them their privacy. My room is SPOTLESS it has become an obsession after living in pure chaos for so long, I knew that would happen. I need to get a few more things then it will be my sanctuary. The ONLY problem with this house is the his/hers everything. Every item in this house is x2 one for him and one for her and thats how my house was, so that makes me sad.

I stopped counting the days that me and LSBoy haven't spoken. I saw him in class last night and he flat out ignored me or maybe I flat out ignored him--not sure. That is shitty but oh well. Neither him nor his mother contacted me on my bday so I'm guessing they took the "hate JD" route as a coping mechanism. Which is sad but it kind of shows me what kind of people they really are. There is no reason to hate me I did everything I could and I still love that guy more than he will ever know. BUT I can not disrespect myself and be untrue to myself, I just cant.

This jersey shore mentality the young one's have right now is quite disturbing. I'll elaborate later. For now Im going to get in the shower and make myself look normal for the first time in who knows how long. Here's to moving on....

Sunday Means Day 9

2011-10-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

No crying today, yet. Spent the day moving from my bff's house to my guy bff's house. Then went and got my sheets, pillows and other stuff to make me cozy. Then to target bought all the household items a roommate should chip in on. That way if he runs out of papertowels or something I don't have to worry about it. See I am a live on eggshells kinda gal, which usually sucks. But maybe now you can see why LSBoy's obliviousness to other people's needs was such a deal breaker for me. You should take a shot everytime I type "deal breaker."

Not ready to face the new roomies yet Im afraid I'll cry and I don't want to keep bringing everyone around me down. The problem with me is that I don't like to, nor do I let myself, "FEEL." I'm usually numb (depression). Right now I am raw, sad, vulnerable, angry and super annoying to be around. So here I am....at my office. Did I mention tomorrow is my 33 birthday? Did I mention that 33 is my favorite number. Who cares right.

I must say I have a solid group of friends who know how to cheer me up just when I need it. Their attempts are futile but hey at least I feel loved.

Why was I depressed you ask, well for 1. I don't really love myself and never have and for 2. when you don't love YOURSELF you can't love others (hence the breakup) How does one love themself? Or try to, or start to? I think it starts with NOT doing the things you hate about yourself. Therefore, I need to set boundaries with myself, because I can be quite impulsive and self destructive when I am emotional---which is exactly why I try to remain numb (it's safer for me and everyone else).

Here are my boundaries (at least the one's I am brave enough to admit to here)

1. Two glass of wine minimum--with phone in other room (I don't drunk dial LSBoy but I sure harass the hell out of everyone else--no matter what time of day or night)

2. No dating until after the Bar exam So in August I'll date (This should be easy)

3. No more blowing off my homework, the mourning time frame is officially OVER-Ill be a functional hot mess

4. Stop looking like I rose from the dead (DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP YOU FREAK)

5. Start excersizing when I feel crazy (should be easy too)

6. MAKE AMENDS WITH MY DAD AND GPA (HARDEST PART OF THIS ALL) but those two men love me more than any man in this world ever will.

7. Be comfortable being alone---you were alone most of the time before anyway

8. Quit wishing magic would happen

Thats all for today, except...dont buy Kelly Clarkson's new CD! I already hate that girl but I took a risk and fuck that cd SUCKS ASS. I'm sad but I aint no man hater.

xoxo

Why Does He Have YOUR cat

2011-10-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Well, this breakup has been coming for about a year and each time I got closer to leaving he would try his best, in his robotic way to persuade me to stay. He constantly worried about losing the cat. You see this man isn't capable of loving a person with his whole heart and soul but he is able to love animals that way. And the love he has for my cat is something you would imagine a mother would have for their child. I love him, I didn't want to punish him and lets be honest, it's much harder to find a place to "crash" with a cat in tow.

LSBoy is able to shut me out of his heart and move on but he wouldn't be able to shut the cat out. He needs my cat. I love my cat but I just shove the pain to the back of my head, and try to forget. Wish I could do the same about him, but I guess with time I will. Some people just don't have it in them to fight for what they love, OR maybe he didn't love me the way he led me to believe that he did. Whatever.

Big Day

2011-10-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

Moving in with my old roommate/bestie guye friend since 8th grade and his lovely girlfriend. Gotta go get some sheets and blankies! Then I HAVE TO catch up on my homework. This outta be an adventure!

Day 8

2011-10-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

I think I cried in my sleep. Im still crying. FML! I wish he wouldve fought for me. Each day that goes by without communication I realize how unimportant I was to him. All I wanted was for him to clean the god damn house and hold my hand some times.

I wouldve moved mountains for him.

Deal Breakers-Stay Strong

2011-10-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

1. too many unnecessary unfinished projects
2. spending thousands of dollars on sale items to resell and then never reselling them
3 No passion
4. No romance
5. critical of my decisions or how I handle my affairs
6. Always forgets he is supposed to be on my team
7. not affectionate
8. Never kisses me
9. Not warm
10. Not sociable
11. Messy
12. Needy

This isnt working, I miss him so much.

Suck Ass Kind of Day

2011-10-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

There were several melt downs that occurred today. It all began on my way to work, out of the blue that wave of heartache swept over me, next thing you know--my freshly applied makeup is smeared and all over my face. Great! I didn't sleep well last night.

Then around noon, my next breaking point, I get several school related emails from LSBoy and a phone call from my estranged Gpa. FML! Melt down two occurred in the Taco Bell drive through--lost my appetite real quick.

These break up books are all the same, which means two things-- either they are all copying each other or there are just certain things that help everyone, generally, cope. One thing that is pervasive throughout is that you shouldn't doubt breaking up, if you did it, then stick with your decision because otherwise you are being untrue to yourself AGAIN. I feel very vulnerable and lonely today. If LSBoy were to call and say hey bitch get your shit, Id probably say, "YES ILL COME HOME FOREVER RIGHT NOW." WHY?!? Because it is safe, it is familiar, it isnt't my friends couch, my cat is there, my shoes are recorded, and my old best friend is there too.

Tonight I'll make a list of all the deal breakers the serious ones, not shallow stupid ones, but the one's that you just CANT live with no matter what, and I'll carry it around so I can look at it when I'm feeling weak. It's not that I worry about ME calling him because I would never, but if he called or texted or emailed me I don't think I could ignore him.

Truth is, his "ways" made me very cold towards him, I never shared my life with him, I did not confide in him, and when I did he threw it in my face later. We did not have an intimate connection. We had some weird, connection because we had the same first car, the same scar on our hands, the same kind of mother's, and the same feelings about rights of passage. But you know what----------I never, NOT one time looked him in the eye while......

That says a lot, to me it does anyway.

Self Destructive Behavior--Does Reading Count?

2011-10-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Do you think a trip to Barnes n' Noble e v e r y single day is problematic? I am on my 6th break up book. Certainly I am almost over it, right? Maybe, because I am getting sick of myself. The problem is that I still have one more adjustment to make it through. I am currently staying with my friend and I will be moving in with my old roommate on the 1st. Scary.

String cheese lasts forever,right? I hope so, and I guess we will find out cuz thats all the bff has in the fridge, that and a budlight. Should cure my insomnia. Feeling drained but can't sleep. So the dryer has been going since I got home from school at 8pm around 9 I started to wonder why the dryer was still running. Finally, at 11:49 pm I decided to do what any reasonable freeloader in the same or similar circumstances would do, and investigate. Because this morning when I tried to dry the wrinkles out of my slacks for work I couldn't get the dryer to turn on to save my life. Went to work wrinkled so what--I have like a 2 week free pass to be a total slob, emotional, irrational, crazy biatch. I digress. I opened the dryer and found it FULL of clothes, not just any clothes but EVERY single color tank that EXPRESS has ever sold. WTF! She has sooooooooooooooo many tank tops. Whatever easy to fold. Maybe she had the dryer on so the clothes wouldnt wrinkle but man I folded the shit out of those tanks, she is solid and I also ate the shit out of that string cheese.

My goal right now is to set up a sanctuary in my new home. Specifically, my bed. I want a feather bed, I want a cashmere comforter, ok maybe not cashmere but I want the softest, warmest, most comfortable bed and pillows on the market. I never slept good at my ex's, he was always cold and I was suffocating, the bed was not soft and he always stole the covers. This shit is no joke, I'm ready to put myself in debt over this. Ok, I won't go that far but believe this...I will be hitting up every home goods, and all those other linen outlet type places. If you have any ideas, I'd be grateful.

Cheers gonna drink this beer in one sip and hopefully sleep.

p.s. I still miss u qp but this is what is best :(

Dear QP

2011-10-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

By Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Read more: COLDPLAY - FIX YOU LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/fix-you-lyrics-coldplay.html#ixzz1buqC2huV
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Day 6--Im breathing

2011-10-26T08:23:00.001-07:00

What a fucking roller coaster! I've read just about every break up book on the planet; none of which address the Dumper's role in sufficient detail. It is an obsession of mine to be able to predict outcome's. What is the next step? Is it normal that I am laughing one minute and desperately crying the next? The hardest part of all this is that no one is begging me to come back, no one is promising me the world, nothing...no communication at all.

Here is what I have learned from all these damn books: Heartbreak/heartache makes you feel again in a very raw and real way. Everything is relevant, you become very present.

"Everyone and everything you encounter becomes a part of your heartbreak by reminding you of your loss, sadness and shame..and every single couple in every sin single song, movie and tv show points out either the impossible beauty of love.... The whole planet mirrors your sorrow and there is nowhere to hide...everything becomes very personal and intimate" Susan Piver

You lose control of your mind (gasp) You are stuck in traffic, in line at the grocery store or just sitting at your desk and suddenly this wave of sadness overcomes you and the tears CANT stop, no matter what. You want to be alone but you CANT be alone because then you are stuck with your thoughts.

The thing is the love that these books talk about or the loss thereof is a passionate body and soul connection kind of love. I did not have that. My ex was incapable of that body and soul connection. You have to know him to understand what I mean. I knew he loved my because I could see it in his eyes plus he treated me very well. I, on the other hand am driven by passion, it seeps out of my pores. (Scorpio through and through) Everything I do, I do passionately. My light has been extinguished for about 2 years. I wouldn't want someone as passionate as me but I would want someone who would be inspired (not intimidated) by my drive and accomplishments and who could at least be passionate in bed. We all have deal breakers.

Where I am at today: Still feeling guilty for being peaceful, when I am peaceful. Worried about him, then selfishly sad that he is probably not skipping a beat, excited to be in charge of my future again, excited to chase my own dreams and have the time to do it. And then ANGRY, VERY ANGRY that he kept my cat.

Do I still wish he would call me and invite me over and everything would magically be fixed and we would kiss passionately and hold on to eachother so tight, and there would be flowers and everything would be right forever, yes.

Truth is, other than his "collection" problem and his robotic nature (no passion) he is the perfect man and I wish I couldve spent the rest of my life with him. Instead I'll move forward and find a man that I inspire and that inspires me to always try and be a better person! There are two things I believe with all of my heart: (1) If a man wants to love you or marry you NOTHING will stop him from keeping you (2) If your mate doesn't inspire you, or is not inspired by you, you are not living.

Morning Three...Dear Diary

2011-10-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

How often does one find themselves being the "dumper" instead of the "dumpee?" Isn't it supposed to be easy to be the one who walked away? NO, because there is a lot of guilt involved.

Did I not give him a chance to respond to my requests? (is one year not enough time)

Is he going to be ok?

Should I have called him mom?

Those are just a few examples of the millions of doubts and questions than are on loop in my brain.

Here's what I did: I read Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall and some other dumb book. Dr. Marshall's book was fabulous it takes away some of the guilt because it tells me, what I already know but now I'm positive. To me if you love someone you will move mountains and fight to make it work. In my case he chose to just watch me walk away. Don't get me wrong, he asked me to stay and asked me to give him until the end of the month. BUT he made those statements with qualifications, and I just know he would disapoint me AGAIN.

Woke up with butterflies in my stomach (anxiety), then chugged two cups of coffee. Now I am here all alone in my best friends apartment, hoping and praying I make it through the day without any melt downs. The crying only lasts 15 minutes or so, then I am fine. During those 15 minutes I actually feel my heart breaking because I feel guilty and angry. Angry that he COULD NOT swallow his pride and fight for me.

Oh well. Here's to healing! Wish me luck at work and school today.

Day Two

2011-10-23T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today I feel sad. Last night my sister and I had a few cocktails and locked ourselves in her room, turned the music on full blast and danced so long and hard I almost died! It was a two person rave! And I felt euphoric, the problem with that is coming down from that high...and here I am now feeling like shit.

I haven't gone this long without talking to LSBoy in almost 3 years. I know this is going to be a roller coaster and that is why I decided to blog about it. Make sure I get "it" all out.

So here I am, hungover and in transit to my next living situation until my final destination is ready for me to move in. Plus I have to order a bedroom set because I got rid of ALL of my stuff when I moved in with LSBoy. Big mistake.

Maybe I'll feel better later....

OH by the way I "accidently" signed up on a dating website and I desperately need help figuring out how to delete it. Dumb drunk girl!! I def don't want to date now.

How We Spend Our Days..

2011-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

"How we spend our days is, how we spend our lives." Annie Dillard

For months, on the one day off I had from school, work and LSBoy I would lie in bed paralyzed. I could sleep for 14 hours, never did anything productive. So I would think to myself, is this what I need or want to do? Or am I doing this because I am depressed. Clearly I like a little down time but do I really like spending EVERY single weekend in bed, drained with no energy to do anything. And when I forced myself out, I was miserable and couldnt wait to get home.

The problem was that my house was so hard to keep clean, and there was so much STUFF everywhere, none of it was mine, it was all expensive and if I moved it or touched I would either break it or lose it. LSBoy is addicted to shopping and he has no space for anything. Despite my begging, crying and pleading to simplify our lives and to live for today instead of tomorrow--he let me go. He didn't fight for me, it wasn't worth it to him. He would rather exist in his cluttered mess full of chaos then be with me. So thats how it ended.

How we spend out days IS how we live our lifes, and I was not living--I was dying inside. Some people are NOT compatible it's not always about "giving up to easily" sometimes it just CANT work. So I predict I will become a member of eharmony in about 6 months--the prospect of TEN WHOLE LEVELS OF COMPATIBILITY seems like heaven...Even if I am getting old and ugly.

Break Up- Day One

2011-10-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

"Making a damn fool of yourself is absolutely essential. So, whatever you want to do, just do it. Dont be stifled by fear of a good mistake." Gloria Steinmen

Yesterday, I woke up at 1:00 p.m. I only had till 3:30 pm to make my "clean" exit. Law School Boy would be home from work ANY minute. OMG, where do I start, I felt like I couldn't do anything, I was frozen. This was it, today was the deadline, I had to get up and get out NOW, so I did.

My BMW was stuffed with luggage and misc. bags and other containers I could scrounge up to collect my measly belongings. No more fancy dinners, now I have to take care of myself. He has made me handicapped in a way. Tough shit I climbed my stupid ass into the attic (which i would never have done) grabbed all the suitcases, did a couple loads of laundry and cleaned up a bit.

By 3:24. soaking wet in sweat and no shower, didn't even brush my teeth---I was on my way out. But to where? That I did not figure out yet. My thought was that if I planned something and then later changed my mind, which I frequently do, I would be embarrassed. So I went to CVS got some water, refilled my psycho meds (a must right now) and started texting those closest to me. HELP!

Last night was ok, I teared up a few times but mostly out of guilt and a little fear. Leaving a guy who has so many good qualities and has been nothing but good to me and having to start all over again at 33!

My job is about breaking up, in a way I am immune to the emotional parts of it. It's all I see and hear all day at work and it doesn't phase me at all.

Here's the thing there are some fundamental differences between LSBoy and I..Things that are so important to my CORE and my SOUL that without those things I am not living. Today I feel alive. I don't feel lonely and I may still be in shock, I don't know. What I do know are the following feelings I had today that I have not had in years:

1. Freedom-no burdens, no ties, no responsibilities other than the usual
2. The sweetest happiest giggle and smile from a baby at the library that I smiled at--pure joy
3. I walked my sisters dog to the park and held hands with my niece the whole time.
4. I had a long wonderful, loving talk with my mom
5. I ate a delicious breakfast with my sister and her family

I feel like 100lbs have been lifted from my shoulders, but that weight includes my heart and I am empty there right now. Here's to a semi painless recovery. Hope he's ok! Hope I did the right thing.

And the Tides have Changed Again...

2011-10-08T11:50:00.001-07:00

I remember so vividly freaking out on this blog when I turned 30...well guess what I am turning 33 this month! Can you believe it! I am a bonafide grown ass woman. Crazy.

It's my last year in law school and things have clicked. Time for me to go out there and make some money!

I MISS ME.

Being in a relationship can drain you, it can literally suck the life out of you, especially if it is not a good relationship. What is the problem now, you ask...well my dearest law school boy and I have some very FUNDAMENTAL differences.

I won't disclose those differences but lets just say I am starting to die a little inside. I hate blog posts where every sentence starts with "I" but it's been a while so give me some slack.

Besides the nightmares about rats and dying animals I have been having every night I also have this insatiable craving to be free from any ties. Life is passing me by and I am hiding in this dark and dreary room. My body is sick! I haven't gotten fat but I don't have ONE muscle and I look gross and old. When I am single I am so in love with myself that I work out, eat right, and take good care of myself. I guess right now I just dont love myself. This is not what i planned for myself.

For now I'll be planning....stay posted.

Last Year Blues

2011-07-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

School just doesn't have the same draw that it used to. I was so enthusiastic and eager and happy in the beginning and now I beg Law School Boy every single day to ditch. Of course he won't allow me to but I try e v e r y single day.

Next semester I am taking Community Property, Family Law, Law school practicum and Wills and Trusts...that load I am looking forward to. Being that I have been working in family law for over a year now---There will be no excuse for anything less than stellar this semester.

It's a good feeling to have direction with regard to my future. People are serious now when they say "what are of law will you practice?" AND I have an answer! I will practice family law and I can not wait!

Now for babies and wedding rings...ugh! I am so torn. Law School Boy and I are making big plans without dealing with those two minor details. I am torn between thinking we can't move forward with these plans (that are already in process) without making it legal and my DESPERATE fear of marriage. I don't believe in it and I am scared to death of it. BUT I do think it would be cool to have his last name when we graduate that way we can walk together--side by side.

Who knows....what will be will be for now I shall study!

Last Year of Law School

2011-06-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

What a wild ride and what an anti climatic ending to it all. It was all very exciting in the beginning, titillating torts, contracts, property, and civil procedure. Now I am tolerating Sports Law and fumbling through Criminal Practice, all the while half asleep. I went through so many phases throughout this adventure. From gung ho study a holic to total slacker to diligent reader.

My recommendations: Get into a law firm quickly. Intern, extern, whatever you have to do...learn the practical side ASAP. Why? Because working in a firm gives you all the knowledge you will NOT get from school. And, having that knowledge makes the substantive topics so much easier to understand. Also, you need to network from the start. At this point I have been exposed to so many lawyers in so many different fields of work and they know my name. That is priceless. You need a favor, have a question, whatever they are eager to help.

Try the DA's office, try it all. Focus more on gaining real world experience and a little less on things like law frats.

Continually foster good relations among your classmates, they will stay with you in one way or another for life. They will come in handy and you want to make sure they know you as competent and respectable. Not the drunk girl who hooked up with everyone.

At this point in law school other lawyers start to look at you more like a colleague and they respect you. Obviously, you are not at their level yet but they realize that you are minutes away from joining them in the big leagues. The most valuable piece of advice I have been given over and over again by the most seasoned and successful lawyers and judges is to preserve your integrity at all costs. If you lie, even just once, and get caught--you are done forever in that city. You will always be known as the sleezy guy who said he needed a continuance due to having 3 trials on calender...when really he was on vacation.

Always be professional and open to negotiations, don't advocate just to win, be strategic and the favors will be returned. Be professional starting now, dress for the part and always be honest.

I can't wait to start my own firm. I day dream at night of exactly how I will set it up. Just one more year.....

I'm Back...Who knows for how long

2011-03-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Life just gets in the way of blogging. I'm currently working for a solo practitioner who doesn't specialize in any one thing. This means that I get the privilege of experiencing her growing pains. Hats off to her though, she is two years younger than me! I won't say much about her because (a) it's inappropriate and (b) there isn't much you would care to read.

What I'm doing: Family law, still. No I did not learn my lesson from my last job. Family law is the pits. BUT...I have a ton of experience now doing things that some law students won't learn until they are working as lawyers. At which time they will be instructed to do things that will take them hours to figure out how to do. I write all the motions and pleadings, including declarations, and points and authorities. I have learned how important it is to write carefully and back your shit up with authority. I've learned how I wont practice law. My family law callus is getting thicker every day, I've become quite insensitive. But man I had to these people are irrational.

I've also had the pleasure of sitting in on a few of my teacher's court rooms. (they are judges) Today I read an appellate opinion that my App.Ad. teacher wrote concerning a case before my Trial Ad. teacher. That makes me giggle. It's fun knowing who the players are. I guess the best thing about my school is the teachers they sucker into adjunct positions. These teachers give us opportunities to sit in on things, and meet justices, and just give us the inside scoop on important stuff.

I have applied for an externship at the DA's office for next fall. Decided I would try something different.

LSBoy and I are still together, it has been a little over 2 years now. We have been through so much! Mostly because of me but regardless I am finally at a place where I feel like I really love him. It's a deeper kind of love. I'm glad because there were many nights I stayed up late planning my escape. And I'm sure he was doing the same.

Hopefully, I will come back here and talk about a few things that I really wanted to just vent about. Like sharing bank accounts while married, and being married (is it really necessary), and keeping your kids from doing drugs, and spending the time between taking the bar and awaiting the results by building your firm?, Oh and then that brings me to the idea of going solo right off the bat. I don't want to work for anyone--I'm old and stubborn and I just dont' like to be told what to do. Also becoming a better writer and learning how to prepare a complaint. How do lawyers learn how to be lawyers? Law school does not teach you all the do's and don'ts of filing motions, complaints, answers, deadlines, discovery, etc.

Would it be wrong to prepare your retainers from scratch instead of copying someone elses? same with discovery, can't you just figure out the pertinent codes and make sure your plain language docs are in compliance?

Would judges appreciate a declaration that said: I swear I'm telling the truth instead of John Doe, Petitioner submits this declaration in support of his motion to ....and blah blah blah blah and could competently testify to the following: Signed under penalty of perjury blah blah blah.

Should the clients write their own decs and we just edit them?

I have so many questions.

p.s. im exhausted and I did not proof read this. Sorry.

Why lawers hate their clients

2010-12-19T23:37:00.000-08:00

1. You call 250 times a week to tell me something I already know.

2. You have your friends and family send me gratuitous notes that we don't need.

3. You think you are the only client I have.

4. You are an asshole for suing

5. You are an asshole for being sued

6. You don't pay your bills

7. You don't comply with discovery requests

8. You harass me non stop when there is nothing more I can do until court

9. You call when someone looks at you wrong

10.. YOU don't respect that my time is money and you are wasting it and not paying your bill.

I know why people hate lawyers

2010-12-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

People hate lawyers for the following reasons:

1. They have a problem, a problem that is consuming their every thought and has taken over their souls. These people can think of nothing other than said problem so they hire a lawyer and the lawyer doesn't quite feel the same way about the pressing urgency of this matter.

2. They go to their lawyers office and notice the expensive real wood furniture, the fancy paintings, the lawyers expensive suit, and her designer purse, diamond earings and $1000.00 shoes and they wonder...why the fuck am i paying you when you dont care about my problem.

3. Then client's problem escalates and laywer's sense of urgency dissapates even more. Then lawyer threatens to quit you because you are not paying.

4. You are fucked..leaving your lawyer is too scary, they know all about your problem and you don't want to start over, but you don't want to pay because they are ignoring you and they are rich anyway....

5. Your lawyer can't make your ridiculous dreams come true but you are paying for miracles so what is the problem.

6. Your lawyer is friends with opposing counsel! WTF!

7. Your lawyer will NOT take your calls.

8. Your lawyer's clerk is an asshole.

9. Client thinks that only the elite go to a lawyer, therefore, they should have a hand up on the opposition but you don't and your problem is stupid, and you spend tons of money fighting for "the principle" of the matter.

10. When it's all said and done you wonder what you were fighting for. And you hate lawyers because they have the upper hand and why....only because they have access to the law and they know how to read it. You realize you could've handled this without a lawyer and now you hate life and laywers.

Waikiki...

2010-12-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

Some how I managed to talk LSBoy and his Mom and family to go to Hawaii for Christmas. Of the group of us I am the only beach person. This presents some potential complications. Here is my vision:

Put bathing suit on, open all windows in hotel room, go to bar, eat, shop, sleep in, wake up lay on the beach--do nothing at all except maybe indulge in some leisure reading, or maybe just stare out into the ocean, swim, sleep on the beach, grab a drink, eat, sleep on beach, and just B.E.

The group I am traveling with have proven themselves to be low maintenance, easy going, fun people but NOT beach people. I just can't imagine LSBoys mom lounging and doing nothing at all. It's not her. And LSBoy well it's not him either.

But I'm not too worried because just being in paradise is enough for me.

My boss of three weeks now gave me a Christmas bonus! So sweet she really didn't have to do that but I appreciated it.

Here's to Christmas vacation---cheers!

Question for Practicing Lawyers

2010-12-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

Do you think that being ready to practice law has any bearing on whether or not you pass the bar? In other words do you think that those people who have worked in law firms doing substantive work for a period of time have a better chance of passing the bar?

I have a year and a half left before I take the bar and I already purchased my Family Law Practice guide set. I also want to purchase the bankruptcy and personal injury sets. Am I jumping the gun?

I will use these resources at work not just for decoration.

New Job, Exams, and Bitch find your own man

2010-12-12T03:13:00.001-08:00

Despite my fear about quitting my dream job with Satan and never working int his town again--- I managed to land another dream job. This time with a gal a year younger than me who is doing big things! She's adorable and not used to having staff, which is nice because she treats me like an equal and sometimes like a potential friend. She is competent and best of all ETHICAL. I'm back to slaving over motions and points and authorities and crazy family law clients. God I missed it. I wasn't planning on working but I couldn't resist when she offered me the job. I had worked with her when I worked for Satan. I even wrote a few scathing letters to her...luckily they were signed by Satan so she doesn't know they were my snide remarks. It wasn't personal anyway. So far so good.

I studied so damn hard for Evidence and the teacher only tested on Prior bad acts, Impeachment for lack of truthfulness and competency. No privileges, no similar happenings, no habit evidence----nothing. I need a hypo I can chew on, not a call of the question which states, "Did the Judge rule correctly using FRE 609?" Geezus let me figure out the rule of law at least. Whatever I probably failed.

Next exam is Biz Orgs. I thought it would be easy to study for because I have some biz background. WRONG. I just cant get the shareholder voting rules down. Cumulative voting and such. WTF!

Lastly, girls do not call your ex when you need help, it is so lame especially when you know your ex has a girlfriend. My man is also known as Captain Save-a-hoe, Save-a-bro and Save-a-Co. Fuck. The guy loves to help people and I think he does it because it makes him feel good to know so much about everything in life. There is nothing he can't fix.

But girls find your own resources and leave mine to me. Ok! If you mail him shit I might break it or throw it away. Then I'm gonna bitch at him about it so save us all the trouble and call the geek squad if you are having computer troubles. You wouldn't appreciate it if it was happening to you. Have some respect. Yes, I know my man should tell the hoe's no but he's a dumb guy and he doesn't think that deeply into it. However, if you live across the country and you haven't seen or talked to your ex in years dont appear out of the blue because of some stupid ass computer problem. I would never do that.

Like my biz orgs teacher would say...Whatev

Oh yeah, I'm going to Hawaii for Xmas, be jealous.

It Really Is Complicated

2010-11-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight I watched It's Complicated with Meryl Streep and friends. That movie just might get your heart rate going if you have ever been in a long-term relationship-- then broken up for a long time-- then decide to take one last agonizing stab at a clearly dysfunctional relationship. Long after the dust has settled, hearts are mended and you feel better than ever.....here he comes bursting your bubble O N E more time!

When I see a person with a new mate after ending a long term relationship I can't help but wonder how awkward and wrong that must feel. But I guess it depends on which end of that relationship you are on.

For the person with the new mate, they are probably in the honeymoon stages enjoying that "strange." And for the person without a new mate they probably wonder how anyone could take their place. After all you shared so much, so much time, so many experiences, so many tears, so much laughter, love, family, friends and just time together. How could another jump in?

Been there done that! My ex and I had 15 years of history before I cut him off this last time about 2 years ago. We dated for years at a time and separated for years at a time. But I always remember the reunions--usually something monumental happens among our group of mutual friends that ultimately brought him and I face to face once again. Unfortunately in those 15 years there were funerals of our friends, weddings, baby showers, incarceration, and on and on. For the most part I have given all those "mutual friends" up. He can have them. It's easier that way.

Anyway, I can remember all those mistakes, all those times we let the heat of the moment lead us to believe we could be good together. Familiarity fogs our rationale, it's another chance to fix all the wrongs of the past. Things are different now those problems we had in the past don't exist. W R O N G! It's always fun at first and always ends the same.

The movie made me smile, I felt nostalgic for a minute but only a minute. Just like the ending in the movie, I find myself appreciating the situation I am in now. Things are different now, I am different, I have blossomed and grown in ways that just wouldn't mesh with certain lifestyles. And now I spend hours in bed discussing life and important issues. We read legal cases and listen to live oral argument for fun. I am unconventional and slightly offended by social norms and traditions, I don't want to follow the rules but I want to make them, and I found the guy who is just as strange as me. So we do things our way and I let the past stay buried in the past for NOW ON! No matter what I will never go backward again!

November 14th!? What the hell!

2010-11-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my brother in law. AND

WHAT THE HELL? It's the end of November and its 80 degrees in L.A. I was so confused at the grocery store last night. All the expiration dates were in December. Me thinking it's July kept gasping saying oh my god I'm not buying that if it lasts till December it must be full of preservatives. December is like 6 months away, right? Uh NO. How weird.

I am SHOCKED that the liberals haven't started clogging the news headlines with talk of "Global Warming." Where are they? Oh that's right they are too busy talking shit about President Bush for giving Kanye so much credit.

That's all for now.

Well Hello there Internet!

2010-11-08T14:42:00.001-08:00

I had to take a break because I was on the brink of a self-induced catastrophe. I went into hiding until the dust settled...just in case anyone was really that curious about me. That person would have to find my blog and I don't think I am worth their time. But you never know and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I have learned some hard lessons over the last few weeks. My first taste of the dog-eat-dog world of lawyers. It's dangerous out there. The saddest lesson I learned was that you really can't trust just anyone. You have to be strategic at all times, there is always someone waiting for that opportunity to throw you under the bus.

Are lawyers and soon to be lawyers really all destined to be numb and heartless? Is there a time in every lawyers career when the clients stop being important and money rules all? Will we all focus on quantity vs. quality? I feel like a five year old who just learned Santa is fake.

I am not naive by any means but I did believe that it was possible to work hard and make a lot of money. I did believe that each client should be given quality attention. So far everyone tells me I am disillusioned. So sad. Guess I'll be poor but at least my integrity will be intact.

On a fun note...my LSBoy and I were partners in a mock trial. Oh my god it was so fun! We kicked ass! The best part was the guest judge was THE SAME JUDGE who presided over that murder trial i was obsessed with a few months back. Is that ironic or what?! He recognized me too! All three judges complemented me, said I had a very calm comfortable presence. Don't tell them that I took a shot of vodka before class. Hey it worked! I was so proud of LSBoy, he looked so handsome and professional up there. I'll tell you what, you NEVER want to be cross-examined by him, he will make you cry!

I hate ....and I love

2010-09-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

I hate when people say "really" in the way that means "are you serious" it sounds so stupid and valley girlish.

I hate when people say "just sayin" oh my god this phrase started being over used about 2 years ago and now it makes me want to throw up.

One word that will never die is "dude" and I think its ok even when I accidentally call my dad dude.

I hate when people are sheep and this causes me great distress. How am I ever going to work for someone and take orders? I used to be able to but now that I have a degree, I guess thats why, I just can't be subordinate.

So guess what.....I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB! Yes, that wonderful once in a lifetime job, yes I quit. Why you ask. Well because I don't agree with the "Case Management" procedures or lack thereof. Because I'm tired of watching grown ass men cry, because I'm tired of talking to irate people and not being able to help them because I AM NOT A FUCKING LAWYER YET. Thats why.

So....maybe Im a huge dumbass and I will be poor and unemployed for ever but at least I have my integrity intact and at least I know how NOT to run a law firm.

The end.

Attention Blawgers

2010-09-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Where are you? Leave me a comment if you are not on my Blawg roll I need some fresh insight---new thoughts, where is IDWSJ? What the hell is going on?

When I first started blogging, two years ago, it seemed like people were so anxious and full of good stories, helpful advice and study tips. Where are you guys? I think I'm missing something.

Who are you? Leave me a comment with your blog url so I can check you all out.

Perpetual Misery

2010-09-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of being such a debbie downer. God help me! I have about 200 billion books on happiness and the such, think it's time I pull one out and re-read. I am in charge of myself, and my happiness.

I have a nice home, a wonderful child (kitty), a lovely boyfriend, a fantastic sister and brother...a job and my health. What the fuck else do I want from life!

Time for a recharge. Need to get out of this long ass rutt. It's been a two years that I've been an asshole. Two years too long.

So....with your support, here I go, happiness here I come.

The Simple Life

2010-09-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Simplicity is relative, I know. Here's how I feel right now. I wander around this world with my head up my ass, thinking about the law, thinking about why people do what they do, and thinking about what can be changed and improved. That is a simple statement but its actually quite complex. These thoughts lead in me in a million different directions and usually leave me feeling disappointed. Too much to do and Too little time.

Then I have these experiences where I am out shopping and I watch and judge people. There is the happy young couple with their adorable little rug rat in their expensive stroller, with her big wedding ring. They look so happy.

Then I am in Walmart and the Cashier is a little rough around the edges but I imagine her troubles have to do with money and maybe some family drama.

My point is there are thousands of people who are in my opinion complacent. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean they are at peace with just existing and making the most out of their relationships with their family etc. They work, come home, deal with family, eat, sleep, shit and do it again.

Then the one's I am really super jealous of are the tiny cute fit housewives, they have adorable smart kids and they work out everyday, they cook dinner, they clean the house and their adoring husband comes home happy every day.

Some girls dream of wedding dresses, babies and staying at home taking care of their family.

Why are my dreams so fucking complicated, why do they suck the life out of me, why don't I have any interest in wedding dresses and babies. What is wrong with me. Why can't i be simple. Why can't I be ok with just living life. Complacency is underrated.

Someday, I might have a lot of money, although that is not important to me, I will probably be powerful, I will probably have my own law firm, I will probably drive a nice car and have 8 million purses. I will probably have botox and anything else I could have ever dreamed of but will I ever have simple pleasures?

Being me is so overwhelming and I am definitely way too dramatic I know this. The reason this is so pressing is because most of my friends and family are the people I talked about above. Some are blue collar, most are middle class, they have families, husbands, had big weddings and they are happy. I am complex and always troubled.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I will be 32 in a month and I am way too old to be in my third of four years in law school. I should be done with this shit, I should be married, with a kid or two. Instead I live the student life and I am way too old and tired for this shit. I need stability and predictability, I think.

Murder-life-work

2010-09-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

My employer's office is directly behind the court house. Due to the nature of my job I spend a lot of time filing documents and sitting in on hearings. I also have the great pleasure of having two professors who are judges in this court house. One is a criminal judge and one is a civil judge. My boss is a family law attorney so I get a taste of everything anytime I want.

One day about two weeks ago I was wondering around the court house and I found a murder trial. From that day forward I spent any free time I had sitting in on this murder trial. The facts of this case are simple but tragic. A gang member allegedly shot and killed an innocent man because he "disrespected him". The evidence against him includes, dna, gun powder residue on his hands, a few witness id's and a license plate id. Oh and the bullet in the victims body was shot from the gang members gun. The defense was "no motive." and I'll quote the defense, "gangmembers are human beings too."

I have had to try really hard to control my emotions, there were many times when the victims bloody body was shown on the overhead projector and the victims family's gasps and crys made my body shudder.

I found myself begging that dick face to turn around and look at me so I could tell him I wished he died instead. It's so emotional.

The verdict comes out Monday. I will always remember my first murder trial.

394th Post

2010-09-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Murder. For the last two weeks I have been sitting in on a murder trial. It has really effected me. I'm kind of obsessed with it. I'm too tired to write now. But I have all kinds of really boring shit to say, so stay tuned.

Walk before you run...

2010-08-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

I hate walking! There is not enough time in the day for me to learn all I need to learn. I spend all day learning. My brain hurts and I don't retain anything. I want so bad to be good at what I do.

My Trial Advocacy teacher is a judge at the court my boss is usually in and he doesn't like my boss. My boss is a bully. Great.

My LAW teacher died. I'm so sad I was quite friendly with him.

Can someone explain to me how one's networth goes down when they marry someone rich? I don't get why if you remarry your child support from your ex spouse will go up. Help.

I'm tired.

Nice to Meet you Ms.Dangerfield

2010-08-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

My Evidence teacher looks just like Rodney Dangerfield. For a long time I kept thinking, hmmm who does she remind me of. When it dawned on me I promptly found an image on my phone and showed the girls next to me. Needless to say we had uncontrollable giggles for the next half hour. Good thing Ms. Dangrfield NEVER makes eye contact. Weird. I plan to find her in the Court house tomorrow. She is HEAD Prosecutor.....and I just so happen to be at the Court house every day so I think Ill see if she makes eye contact in Court. She has a very weak presence I'm hoping its her poker face.

Other than that some light bulbs have officially gone off. Having a job actually doing law really helps you see the big picture. I feel like I am really learning how to practice law and I also feel that I have a huge advantage over my classmates that don't have law clerk jobs.

Today in Court I watched my boss KICK opposing counsels ass up one side and down the other of the Court room. I was SOOO proud. I tried not to smile because I didn't want the judge to notice. My boss may not be the very best attorney but he is the BIGGEST BULLY on the block--hands down. And although I don't always agree with his strategy--it is effective. Hearing him throw out F bombs and scare the piss out of people is sometimes very funny.

More and More every day I find myself having philosophical debates about integrity. Watching "good people at their worst" is sad and enlightening. It has helped me figure out what I never want to be in life. We have to value integrity or we will fall apart as a society. We need to have respect for eachother. I won't go all Buddha on you.

And on that note...what is it about facebook that turned everyone into modern day philosophers? Everyone has these ambiguous quotes teasing you with parts of their drama by way of quotes and sayings. Most of which I find to be quite cliche' but hey to each their own. It's just a weird phenomena. Its a contest who can come up with the most "profound" quote of the day. And the god quotes and bible citations kind of annoying. Especially when you know damn well that person is a hypocrite. Opiate of the masses?

Anywhoo, LSBoy and I are doing just fine. He has made some serious life changes for me and I couldn't be more appreciative. I don't know why that boy loves me but he surely does. And if for some reason he chooses the wrong path in life (i.e. being like my shady ass clients) then so be it. I'm tired of trying to preemptive stop it. He's a good man and if he makes a bad choice we will both survive. Although I don't think he has any idea how extreme my fear of him cheating is. I try to keep it to myself.

I had two dreams this week both of which made me cry so hard in my dream, the kind of cry that you feel at the bottom of your gut and your whole body just heaves with sadness. That's the kind of cry I had when my last ex (first love etc) cheated on me after we decided to try another go out our relationship after nine years apart. When that thought enters my mind thats when the fear sets in. But---I'm over it. I'm doing big things and I'm not to bad at it.

I'm going to be one big, bad ass, attorney, making lots of money and making heads spin just like my boss. I can't wait. :) Happy studying 1Ls.

Total cluster fuck of a post....sorry.

Miss me...

HTC Evo

2010-07-27T00:19:00.000-07:00

I had the Droid X for a week until LSBoy got into a fight with Verizon
Now I have an HTC Evo and I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

FUCKING BAD TIMING

2010-07-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

WORST TIME TO BE BROKEN UP WITH------RIGHT BEFORE THE BAR EXAM

Why........WHHHHYYYYYYYYYY would a guy break-up with a girl a week before the BARZAM. Why would he decide to throw away two years of hard work, especially when the girl wasn't aware of the looming distance because she was too busy STUDYING FOR THE FUCKING BAR!

I hate you. You will never read this but I think you are one of THE most selfish creatures ever put on this earth.

You have decided recently that you MADE A MISTAKE well fuck you. Your little game was not funny and could and probably will be the reason my favorite law school BFF is going to fail the Bar exam.

I can't tell her I hate you because I don't want to hurt her and I know she still loves and respects you. BUT I HATE YOU. I think you consistantly do the most hurtful, selfish things and no matter what you say or do you have proven that the only person important to you....is YOU.

I hope you have a miserable life asshole.

PS BREAK UP AFTER THE BAR

Chubby Chasers

2010-07-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

Chubby Chasers

Ok please do not take offense to this if you are not a 90lb "LA Skinny" girl, because I could not be further from that. In fact lately I've been putting on the lbs. This story is about a man, a smaller than average man, who "appears" to be extremely weight conscious for himself and his wife. His tiny little adorable wife is a one of my best friends. She made herself privy to some interesting, yet disturbing information regarding her husbands super secret porn preferences.

I may or may not have inspired one or two gals to investigate their significant others porn by way of a Facebook post that read, "I found an app that shows up as "todo" or some other inconspicuous name but is really a private porn browsing app for men, that is password protected. I am on to you men! haha!"

I thought it was brilliant and hilarious. I don't care about porn it doesn't bother me....anymore. It doesn't really strike my fancy but it doesnt offend or threaten me either. My boyfriend is free to lock himself in the bathroom any time he wants. ;)

Anyway, shortly after my facebook post (and this could be a coincidence) my girl friend forwarded the most horrifying pictures she found in her husbands regular porn rotation. These pictures were viceral to say the least. Big women, with huge bologne nippels and meat curtains and big red pookies. MY FUCKING GOD.

So the question is WHAT THE FUCK! Is he putting up a front by preparing SALAD five to six days a week, and be ridiculously into staying thin and making sure his beautiful wife stays thin but secretly wanting something with a little, or a lot of meat on their bones?

Do men look at porn that comports with their real life taste in women? Does he really truly want his wife thin or does he just do that for the whole perfect appearance to others thing?

I am THOROUGHLY confused. I once had a white boyfriend whose porn collection was only black chicks taking it in the ass. Him and I had never done that so I began to believe that he wasn't really happy with my "tight white ass." Whats the deal fellas?

from my drops x

2010-07-16T22:01:00.001-07:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7

Deception

2010-07-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those rare days where I met with a client and felt his pain. Lately my empathy has burnt out and I wonder if I even have it anymore. It was 4:00 and I was in the lobby talking to one of my volatile male clients when another man walked in. I wasn't familiar with this guy. He smelled like Old Spice and now I think I know why his case bothered me. He reminded me of my dad. This man was married for 29 years when his wife suddenly and abruptly left him for her highschool sweetheart. He brought a suitcase full of "proof" of what a wretched woman his ex-spouse is.

The man is 60 years old and he feels too tired to go through all of this. His house was wrecked by his ex who had six cats living in the house. She was a legit hoarder--he brought pictures. The worst part of these divorce cases is the left over love that still lingers in the one who was hurt. He spoke of his ex in a way that led me to believe she ruined his soul. He was defeated. Several times during our consultation I found myself locking eyes with him and at one point I just wanted to give him a pep talk. Poor, Poor guy.

So my day started with a 26 year old boy who got taken by an immigrant woman who only wanted citizenship. He really loved her and now he is ruined as well. And my day ended with a 60 year old man who was equally devastated.

Men may be more likely to cheat but when women hurt men they are ruined for life, in a profound way. Why live a lie, why deceive those you love the most--don't do it. It is just flat out cruel.

IM

2010-06-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

oh how fun
11:52 PM
where

11:52 PM
look at what my mom wrote on fb
11:53 PM
"ok went 4
wheeling and only lasted an hour mainly beacuse the dog was going to
drop dead I swear he sat in a slew for 30 min all these slews are like
being in the desert all that blue water and no way to get into it and
it is hot as hell"

11:53 PM
is that english? so i said "where you doing that alone and were you riding your dog and what is a slew?"

i know right LSBoy said "i dont get it" cuz im laughing so hard 11:55 PM

lil nugget

Hahah 11:55 PM

ME:
you know how bugged out i get when people dont speak english to me 11:55 PM
remember Vs writing

11:55 PM
i used to say what the fuck did you just say 11:56 PM

lil nugget:

Hahahh...and when people say YEP

11:56 PM
Ha 11:56 PM

ME:

ewwww 11:56 PM
thats too funny

Lil Nugget:

I cud picture ur mom with a bandand on and tattoos...like a high class bro-ho 11:56 PM

Lil Nugett
Except for the ho part 11:57 PM
11:57 PM

IM ON A ROLL AGAIN....3 NEW POSTSSSSSS!

2010-06-22T18:14:00.001-07:00

How not to Make a "Peach Moon"

2010-06-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

LSBoy and I went out to dinner on fathers day (unrelated) and we ordered "Peach Moons" which consists of Blue Moon (beer) with a shot of peach shnaps and OJ.

So we fell in love with the drink it was soooooooo good. Last night this is what LSBoy tried to serve me, his rendition of a "Peach Moon" keep in mind he's an amateur drinker.

One Karl Strauss Tower 10 IPA (wtf is that? its pale ale and gross)
One Shot of APRICOT BRANDY (WHAT THE FUCK!)
OJ

I had no idea what he had concocted but i trusted it was a "Peach Moon" I took one sip of that shit and my eyes started watering, i literally puked in my mouth.

Moral of the story don't let a NON drunk make drinks up. SICK!

Networking

2010-06-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

I can't describe the euphoria I have been experiencing every day. I am exposed to the finest family law attorneys in my area. Smooth move and I have been talking to ANYONE who will listen to us. We have met SOOOOOOOO many attorneys and have made so many contacts. Everyone at the courthouse knows who we are. This is so important. When an opportunity arises these people might think of us, where if they hadnt met us, they wouldnt. Got it? Good.

Anyway, we sneak over to the criminal court rooms at least once a week and today we ran into one of our professors who works for the DA. (booooo) I know. BUT he brought us into the counsel box today and we had front and center seats to the proceedings. ANDDDDD all the DAs flocked around us to offer us gratuitous lessons in the complexities of the penal code. They love us. Oh and so do the convicts btw. Yeah no more cleavage shirts on those days, fucking sick. So in short my life is wonderful and I'm on my way. I even texted my boyfriends (and mine) friend who is a genius in marketing. I told her I would treat her to a day of wine tasting if she coached me and smooth move on the tricks and tips of marketing. Im pretty sure smooth move and I are gonna run this City and soon! FUN STUFF KIDS! In case ur wondering why LSBoy and I are not collaborating, its cuz he's gonna go the JAG route, so thats that.

How to get a Boy into Sephora and why you shouldnt take my advice

2010-06-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Me: "Commmmmmmmmon baby there will be lots of pretty girls in there"
Him: "You totally lied what the hell there are no pretty girls"

2 minutes later

Him: "You totally lied"

2 minutes later

Him: "god why did you lie to me"

2 minutes later

Him: "this sucks, you lied, lets go"
Me: "gawd damn you perv get over it geeze"

Awkward is at work too!

2010-06-04T17:35:00.001-07:00

If you have read this blog at all you will know that awkwardness is a dilemma I deal with regularly. Today at lunch smooth move texted me and said, "OMG, The man and his wife want us and our boyfriends to spend the weekend at their mountain house, you have to go!"

What the fuck?! Is that appropriate? Do you hang out on your bosses boat in a bathing suit and sleep in his house and golf at his country club? This is too weird to me. I don't know what to do.

"Choke me or I'm leaving"

2010-06-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes at the end of the day all a girl needs is a good ass whoopin in the sac. Or so she said. I have a friend who is a family law practitioner in New York. I spoke to her today about my experience so far working in family law. She decided to tell me about a meeting she had the other day with a client. Her client said she wants to divorce her husband because if its not missionary, he's goes umm how can i say this tactfully, oh never mind I cant--he goes soft.

Her client said she is leaving her husband because he won't choke her. And we all know that is symbolic for a whole bunch of other underlying issues but it made me think. How important is sexual chemistry in a relationship? Is a deal breaker?

I have a very good guy friend who has been in a long term relationship with an ASexual chick. He, on the other hand is a nympho. My friend spends many a frustrating night alone in bed in their spare room dreaming of the days when he got more ass than he could have ever wanted of. Which leads me to wonder is a stable, responsible, financially secure, smart, caring person with ZERO sex drive worth it?

This motivated me to do a little research and apparently every couple has a person with a higher sex drive than the other. How horrible is that?

Anyway, I don't have an answer to any of this because I don't personally like being choked and well I just don't know. But I would like to know how many people are truly satisfied with their sex life with their significant other. Because like I always say monogamy is NOT natural so maybe this is just more evidence that we are not meant to be with only one person forever.

It's sad but the statistics don't lie....50% of marriages end in divorce and I'm willing to bet the other 50% just came to terms with the fact that perfection doesn't exist.

On another note, my co-worker/partner in crime and I were in a meeting with "The Man" he told her to look up some lady, after he said her name, my co-worker who we will call smooth move said, "Can I find that in forms?" then she said "never mind maybe its not a form but are you speaking latin to me?" It was a person's name and smooth move was truly perplexed and I was laughing so hard I had tears. Guess you had to be there but smooth move is funnier than words...Thank god because among all the sadness that is family law-- is her running her mouth like diarrhea making each and every day a delight.

Will Power

2010-05-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

I'm thin but I'm mushy and it's summer so I need a plan. Normally I can set my mind to anything and I will achieve it. I'm determined, discipline and a pro at brainwashing myself. Which is why I suck at love. I digress.

Anyway, my thing is sweets, I love chocolate, I love cookies and so does LSBoy so we eat something sweet with every meal. Its TIME, time for me to get back to me the gym rat--the skinny fit gym rat. I love the gym, I love people watching and working myself out so hard I almost pass out. Euphoria! I just can't find the umph to get going. It's so much easier to just say fuck it I still fit in my clothes so I don't have to stop. The thing is those ten pounds usually just appear out of no where. One day you wake up and nothing fits. It's not a gradual thing. The good news is that the girls at my new job are not pigs. They are all thin but not obsessive thin--they just dont munch all day. So I would look like a fat pig if i was munching all day, therefore i dont.

Hitting 32 soon gotta get on it. I've noticed in court that most of the women attorneys in my area are frumpy and gross. I wont be that girl. NO WAY.

This post is even boring me.

Wondering about LSBoy and I? Well lets just say I've put deposits on THREE apartments and backed out of all of them (in the last 5 months) I don't know what it is we are hooked on eachother like crack and I haven't been able to leave. We haven't fought in a whole month which is a record. Like a wise girl once said (recently lol) if you cheat you WILL get caught. So i've given up on trying to invent shit. And I trust myself more because I don't have that wandering eye anymore. And you know if you trust yourself you can trust others more easily.

Ok Im bored with this but I have a story--topic--whatever that I want to hash out when i have more energy. About Ex's...Do you really miss your ex or are you just lonely? Cuz I dont miss any of my Ex's but I do tend to communicate with them when I am single. And I always realize they are the same guys they were before I broke up with them. Somethings never change so why waste my energy.

Three NEW Posts published Today check me out!!

2010-05-30T00:24:00.001-07:00

Be Real People

2010-05-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

Can I ask a really weird question? Why is it that we are trained to think that just because people share the same blood line as us, they take some kind of priority position in our lives. Why do family members get exceptions to rules, why are they allowed to walk all over us and why do we HAVE to forgive them?

With the exception of my sister, I love most of my friends more than my family. Why? Because my family annoys me. I know them the best and they are sometimes not good people. Especially my lil brother. So I choose to stay away from them. I don't feel guilty for not calling to see how people are because you know what...they have my number and can call me too. I'm freaking busy,I work full time, I'm in school, and I don't even have clean laundry so cut me some slack. In those few spare moments I have, like while I'm waiting for the shower to get hot, or sitting at a red light, I'd like quiet. I know, I know, someday ill be on my death bed and ill be looking around and my law school will be nowhere to be found and my bank account will likely be depleted and ill say "gosh i should have loved my family more." WHATEVER.

You know what the problem is? People are afraid to say how they feel, people are afraid to admit that they have ugly thoughts like the one I just shared with you. It makes me sad that people are so brainwashed by society that they can't even be real. Its ok to have bad thoughts we all do and when you acknowledge them you become real not fake and you also become free.

So think about it when you are acting all self righteous like you don't secretly hate girls that are prettier than you (not real hate), or you don't secretly wish your boyfriend treated you the way your best friends boyfriend treats her, or when you hate those see thru white pants the girl with the cheesy ass wears so often. FUCK IT! You are allowed to be a hater if you want, just keep yourself in check and keep it to a manageable level. Dont get me wrong, negativity is poisonous and contagious but once in a while its ok to just say it how it is!

Dissolution

2010-05-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dissolution of marriage is on my mind 24/7. I started working as a full time law clerk for a pretty well respected Family Law firm in my area. I've been there for almost two months and I already got a $5 raise. I wont tell you what I started at though, you wouldn't believe it. But I believe in eating shit to get places in life. Giving me raises is irresistible, I promise because I KICK ASS!

My hours are 8-5 but really more like 730-6 with a 20 minute lunch. I rush to the court house to file motions ten minutes before hearings. I type letters to nasty, incompetent, social rejects called "opposing counsel" and I laugh all day long at the millions of grammatically incorrect letters ridden with typos.

My office is huge, and the decor is quite charming. I love playing lawyer. Its not work its a job that I love.

The weird part is dealing with my natural empathy towards people in pain and dealing with the anger I feel when people are lying to me, essentially mentally abusing their children, and doing anything they can to get more money and make the other party suffer. Faking disabilities, quitting their jobs, calling the police to monitor child exchange, telling their kids lies, getting new girlfriends or boyfriends who are pushy and try to control the divorce proceedings. I hate them all. Why can't people just separate and be fair about it. Why wouldn't you want your kid with the dad while you are at work? Especially when you probably spent ten years bitching that he never took care of the kids, now he wants to...and even though he's only doing it to piss you off, fuck it! Its free child care.

Why are you asking for more child support when you are wearing $200 jeans AND WHYYYYY would you let an attorney put a lien on your HOME to fight over shit that is worthless? WHY. I cant say this is irrational because we all know that rationality is a matter of doing what is best for you at the time. Its not a judgment call. If you think its right...then its rational. BUT WHY ARE PEOPLE SO EMOTIONAL AND HATEFUL AND DUMB?!?

Sometimes I want to ask them, "do you really think I believe this bullshit? I read the text messages you sent to him/her and ummmm you are pretty much a huge asshole, so no I don't believe anything you say."

Disney says that we are not advocating for what is morally right, we are advocating for what they want.

This is much deeper than it sounds. They are paying you to do something so find a way to do it even if you don't think the chances are good that they will win. That's not intuitive for me. I'm logical but I also have a point where the cost benefit analysis trumps my ability to find an argument for a losing side.

On another note....I'm so glad I'm suffering now instead of later. By the time I graduate I will have written thousands of briefs, motions, points and authorities, stipulations and declarations along with a myriad of other legal duties you don't learn about in law school.

p.s. I still love family law and I vow to be the best EX wife a man could ever have.

Friendship

2010-05-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

There are those certain girls one meets that touch your life in such profound ways you just can't forget. With time and circumstances distance becomes inevitable. I find myself longing for those days when I was with these girls all the time. I dedicate this blog post to Disney and my Lil Nugget. Two extraordinary women that touched my heart and soul to the core.

It all began in February of 2007 or 2008 not sure ;). I had just taken the LSAT test and acquired my first "law job." I worked as a law clerk for an amazing real estate attorney. He was excentric and unique but he gave me disney and my lil nugget wings and we took it from there.

We spent a lot of time together from out diet competitions, work out dates at the beach and the mountains to our wild nights out on the town. And throughout it all we mentored each other, listened to each other and were always there for each other. God I miss those girls.

I learned so much about myself from these girls and my heart aches today because--growing up is hard to do--and the distance between us is to big--and i need them to always be there even though we don't get the same quality time we once had.

We went through so much together. Sitting in Fredo's office late at night, eating all the yummy treats Uncle Timmy so graciously bought for us and just talking about anything and everything under the sun. There was so much respect among all of us and so much opportunity.

Now Disney has a JD DEGREE!!!! and is doing barbri god im so proud. And my lil nugget is still learning the ropes but doing such a great job at growing up to be a beautiful self respecting young lady who wants nothing more than to make this world a better place.

I love you girls and I feel sorry for those girls who say that they dont have girlfriends.

Boobs and Good People at their Worst

2010-04-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

I have a love hate relationship with boobs. I love mine and I hate yours. You see if a girl walks in with what I consider nice boobs I instantly hate her. I usually hate really pretty girls too. The thing is that I feel awkward with these boobs working in a law firm. I told the surgeon I can't look like a two bit whore, I dont want to be a freak show I just want till fill out a bra. So at a 34 D sometimes Im not happy with them and other times I want to look at them all day. They are not humongous but...they are noticeable. I really truly feel contempt when I see a nice rack--is that weird or what.

I meant to be really clever and funny but as usual I have some impromptu conflict in my life, here at 10pm on a thursday night with a big day at work ahead of me. Do they have a pill for that? (KMason?)

im going to go count sheep or maybe count days till I can finally be satisfied with my life. I think I might be ok forgoing love and kids and all that bullshit and be one of those cold ass super hot single old bitches that works 100 hours and comes home to an empty apartment and a full bottle of wine...What say you?

BTW when you dont hear from me in a long time its because I have consumed myself in my miserable life and don't care to bring you all down. Right now my job is my savior.

I work with barbie and she is something else. I actually think I might love her ;) She is a super duper pretty prissy princess bitch (no boobs) but she is crude as all hell you gotta love that. "Alice in wonderland with a truck drivers mouth" DP Now that is my kinda lady ;)

Family law is like an 8 hour jerry springer episode it overstimulates me, my head spins. They say "Good people at their worst." Can you all say PRENUP!!!! Wow you people out there are fucked up in the head! I wanna scream, "Listen you hysterical fucking bastard let the bitch keep the crystal lamp, take your 20 year old girlfriend and move the fuck on. After all this phone call cost you more than the lamp, Im sure.

My Mom Hates Me

2010-04-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

And she wont admit it. Talk about chicken shit. So I'm reading this book on how to be a normal human being and it told me to talk to my estranged parent. Here's a little background.

At the ripe ol' age of 17 my mom got knocked up with me. She had lived her entire adolescence in group homes because her own mother committed suicide when she was six. Apparently Gramma crazy had a severe case of diabetes and overdosed on meds. Who knows. I don't even know her name.

According to my dad and my aunt (dad's sister) my mom would not bond with me and wanted to give me up for adoption. My aunt told me that she walked in on my mom slapping me around when i was only a few weeks old. It occurred to me that walking to kindergarten (no less than 6 blocks away) at 4 years old in damp mis matched clothes (cuz mom didn't turn on the dryer) and no snack....might not be normal. The neglect continued throughout my life until I stopped it of course.

In first grade the teacher felt I was developmentally challenged and had me tested to see if I was "special" turns out I am ...just not in the way she thought. Third grade came along and the teachers were still concerned. There was no homework doing in my household EVER.

The ironic thing is throughout my childhood both of my parents were in college. They just didn't take an interest in seeing to it that my life was better than theirs. Without being to dramatic...one day around 21 years old I came to a fork in the road. It was either follow my mother or don't. I chose not to and here I am.

I have a freakin adorable car, a super handsome boyfriend, a beautiful cat, a nice house to live in, the best nail lady ever and I'm in law school.

I contacted my mom a few days ago and tried to engage her in a real super serious and honest conversation. She just kept saying, "you are the woman I always wanted you to be..I taught you what you know." WTF! NO YOU DIDN'T LADY...NO YOU DIDNT. YOU DONT GET TO TAKE CREDIT FOR ME.

I am the woman I am because of some very special people but they don't include her. I asked her to tell me why she hates me and all she could come up with was that I am condescending to her. Well to put that in context...any woman who says, "I can't vote for Hillary Clinton, her hair sucks." WILL NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY ME. I don't find her dumb girl act amusing or cute, not in the least. Other people may giggle but I think its just plain ignorant.

I told her I hated her because she became a hard core drug addict when I was about 18 years old. I moved out of the family home at 15 but was still affected by her behavior. Especially when her drunk boyfriends would show up at MY house at 1am banging on the door. Or when I would have to buy her shampoo because she spent all her money on drugs.

She said to me, "I hope it's not to late to be a role model to you." YES LADY IT'S TOO LATE!
I said, "thats where you have this all wrong, I dont need a role model anymore I need a mom, someone who I can call and be all silly with and talk about girl stuff with. You wanted to be my friend when I was a delinquent and THATS WHEN I NEEDED A ROLE MODEL."

So apparently the issue is not resolved and clearly I am still angry although I thought I was totally numb to her. The issue here is that MY MOTHER DOESNT KNOW WHO I AM. And that my friends is realllllllll sad.

The end.

Warning XXX

2010-04-20T00:53:00.000-07:00

There is this phenomenon, one that baffles me, one that makes me think men are dumber than I already do. You know like the guys who think the Hooters girls really liked them, or the one's who pay for lap dances and think they've met their soul mate...Here it is the infamous "Dick Picture."

I've never understood this. If a guy sends me a picture of his junk I'll probably die laughing then call Verizon and have his number blocked. But I guess there are a few adventurous, maybe skanky types that enjoy pictures of the awkward male anatomy. I think we can all agree that a woman's body is sensuous, a work of art if you will. A man's body, well, not so much.

Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode? Well that's how I would feel about receiving a dick picture. I'm no prude---believe me! And friends please don't elaborate on that ;). But sending me a picture of your penis will do absolutely nothing for me. Take note.

What kind of Blogger are you?

2010-04-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Look at this wonderful gem I came across. I can't believe they wasted their time reading my retarded blawg but I'm so glad because now I have them linked!!

Check this out and tell me what kind of blogger/blawger you are. I think I border the blogger who just bitches all the time and the hardcore blogger minus the hardcore... Hilarious!

You think I'm crazy....

2010-04-19T15:36:00.001-07:00

check out my BFF here

Ok, One more try

2010-04-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

My mom gets back online...

Me: Hey mom where did you go I am trying to talk to you....
Her: *crickets*

ok fine whatever guess I'll skip that part of this whole stupid process of trying to be a human being.

Hey, I tried....

2010-04-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Convo with Disney this morning on instant messenger.

ME: One of my "learn how to love you psycho bitch" books says to make amends with your parents 11:48 AM
ME: so i IM'd my mom 11:48 AM
ME: lol 11:48 AM

ME: and she got offline 11:48 AM
ME: so much for that 11:48 AM

Disney: LOL

What???

2010-04-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

Google search brought you to me...

"shake her up like dice she taste so good like cake i have to have a slice love from a lovefrom a thug" sent 11 total visits

Law Job / Summer Job / Permanant Job

2010-04-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am now employed as a legit law clerk for a family law firm 4 miles from my house. I start next Weds. It's a full time job and I will work there all year long until I take the bar..Unless he throws something at me or fires me. I will be doing all the discovery and writing trial briefs. Hows that for a shitty school student? I'm on my way kids!

My personal life is a bit chaotic and of course because I make it that way but I shall overcome, I always do.

More later...

Eyelashes

2010-04-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Im on a mission to fulfill my civic duty by writing reviews to help consumers choose products.

So far I have a flat iron, blowdryer,mascarra and face lotion/wash I need to review.

Here is my review for MAC Prep and Prime Lash---they suckered me into buying it but loooooook at my lashes!

You have to put the primer on first its white then you put mascarra over it. It forms a capsule over your lashes, protecting them from breakage and enlongating them.

No Strings Attached

2010-02-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

As usual I am a walking contradiction. At my core I crave stability, i want to plant roots, have a favorite grocery store, know the people at the local liquor store (just kidding) but seriously I want to be comfortable and familiar.

On the other hand I have this POWERFUL urge to throw out all my belongings. Old books, and other shit I have managed to salvage through my annual or semi annual relocations. I think it would be liberating to have no strings, no things to cling to, no memories, and no more heavy boxes to move.

Then I think don't those things bring me any joy or comfort? I have to say no because they have all been in boxes for a year. Last Jan i moved in with a highschool friend closer to the Law school. I stayed there for six months then moved in with my boyfriend and have never unpacked. So since I havent seen these things in about a year why not toss them? Will it make me feel more empty or free? I'm scared to find out.

Tired of being so charming

2010-02-23T11:45:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I write my blog posts on a word document then I cut and paste it. It changes things somehow though and I don’t really like it…but I’ll do it anyway because I’m at work and a blank word page is less conspicuous than a blogger template.

Today’s topic is not new to anyone who reads this blog—awkwardness. Again. I somehow attract awkward. Every size, shape, and form of awkward is drawn to me like a magnet and just like a magnet it sticks to me, sometimes draining me of life. It is absolutely exhausting dealing with socially inept people. Most of the time I find people’s idiosyncrasies utterly fascinating but sometimes I want to scream in agony. Can I be the silent one at dinner please???? Just this ONCE!

I was blessed with this uncanny ability to make people comfortable in my presence. This includes the strangest people you encounter in life. The egotistical, the snobby, the dorky, the smart, the shy, the boisterous and all those annoying people you think were either raised by wolves or abandoned in an alley. I study them carefully and try to understand them in as few minutes as possible. Then I ask probing questions next thing you know I have their entire life stories laid out before me. My victim becomes transparent and vulnerable and then inevitably in love with me. People love to talk about themselves and it is a surefire way to get people to like and respect you. Care about what they say and how they say it and take the time to understand them. THIS IS EXHAUSTING!!

My boyfriend is extremely eccentric, most of my friends are very eccentric, and I just want to blend in for a while. I don’t want to have to read 300 news articles, watch 10 movies, and come armed with an evening full of conversation topics. I just want to sit back and let my charm take a breather. I want to observe, listen and lay low. When all of your friends have socialization issues you are fucked. You have to lead the conversation, keep it interesting and make sure there isn’t too much dead air. Honestly, I have no problem sitting with another person and not saying a word. I go to lala land and get lost in my thoughts because I am NOT awkward. In fact I’m quite introspective and self absorbed. I can keep my self entertained with no TV, no radio, no computer---just me and my thoughts……for hours on end. However, this is not acceptable behavior at a dinner gathering or other social event.

This rant is attributed to a 5 day vacation that I am going on with a group of people who don’t seem to warm up to each other and the conversation is always lacking. I’m on doubletime with this crowd and I’m dreading every minute of it. I’m already stocking up on conversation topics and I’m already tired.

OH AND DID I MENTION THEY ARE IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS AND IM THE ONLY ONE NOT IN THE FAMILY? Yes, that makes it even worse!

on love by one of my best guy friends...

2010-02-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

"I heard something very intersting on the Jesus Christ show 11:25 AM

Sundays mornings KFI I think 6 or 7am to 9am 11:25 AM

really wierd 11:25 AM

but he was talking about love 11:25 AM

and how love now a days is what do I get out of it 11:25 AM

and is it fair 11:25 AM

then he described the relationship between a human and a pet 11:26 AM

how people think that dogs are serverants 11:26 AM

but really u are a servant to your pet 11:26 AM

you feed them 11:26 AM

walk them 11:26 AM

pet them 11:26 AM

play with them 11:26 AM

and ask nothing in return 11:26 AM

we just love them 11:26 AM

and they love us back 11:26 AM

its a two way servant relationship 11:26 AM

where nothing is really expected 11:26 AM

and both parties are happy 11:27 AM

That's how love should be 11:27 AM

both should give 100% and expect nothing 11:27 AM

and receive everything 11:27 AM

but its not like that 11:27 AM

i'm not like that 11:27 AM

I give 11:27 AM

but I expect in return and get mad when I don't receive it 11:27 AM

ergo cancelled valentines day 11:27 AM

would I do it all if I knew I would never receive anything in return 11:28 AM

no 11:28 AM

why 11:28 AM

not sure 11:28 AM

it creates resentment 11:28 AM

it creates selfishness 11:28 AM

and people start to with draw from each other and keep score 11:28 AM

almost ties back into Kurshnimarti 11:29 AM

teachings 11:29 AM

if you gave 100% urself 11:29 AM

and asked or expected nothing 11:29 AM

how would he look at you, treat you, love you? 11:29 AM

u never no 11:30 AM

but its scary to think of even going half way their 11:30 AM

but you know it would feel so good if someone loved us that way 11:30 AM

we would be so happy 11:30 AM

and so confident and comfortable 11:30 AM

we would never think of infedility on their par 11:30 AM

t 11:30 AM

I guess the only way to be loved that way is to love that way 11:31 AM

don't think people are made that way 11:31 AM

so then it comes down to negotiation, what are you willing to give to get what you want 11:31 AM

and what are you willing to give up 11:31 AM

not love 11:31 AM

almost like a business negotion of the heart and sole 11:32 AM

and we all want more than we can afford to loose or give up 11:32 AM

ergo the failure of relationships, love and family in our society 11:32 AM

the end 11:32 AM

I hope your reading all of this "

Overheard/Seen in/at law school

2010-02-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

On a dirty truck "WISH MY GIRL WAS AS DIRTY AS MY TRUCK"

Prof. Civ Pro: "I have a Magnum flash drive its 124 gigs, its a chubby little sucker. What size is yours?"

p.s. there are way too many trashy people at my school, Im starting to wonder...?

Dating in Law School

2010-01-29T12:19:00.000-08:00

DON'T DO IT! Fortunately, or unfortunately....I fell in love with one of my classmates. I remember it all to well. I remember him from orientation. He was staring at me, strangely and I felt a little nervous. Who is that guy and WHY is he looking at me like that. He will vehemently deny this by the way. Then I get to class and surprise he is in my smalllllll section sitting two people away from me. Again he kept sneaking peeks at me for a week or so before he moved his seat. He still denys this but I remember thinking WTF are you looking at!!!

Plus of course I was scoping out the class for any potentials...Its human nature, I was a single girl and had a plan to marry a lawyer. I thought he was attractive but never really put any thought into it. I loved the attention I got in class because I was one of four girls in the whole section all of whom were either married or unattractive. I was the princess and I ate it up.

Then finals came and me and the strange boy who stares ended up in a study group together. I still didnt really think anything of him other than he was brilliant. I even remember him coming in one day wearing some cute jeans and thinking hmmm he has a really cute ass. But again it didnt go any further than that. We got to know each other slowly and learned that we had the same dark sense of humor and his arrogance intrigued me. Somehow we ended up texting each other ALOT about random shit it was a friendship building.

Valentines day last year my girlfriend and I went out and TORE IT UP!!! The next day I was laying in bed hungover as all hell and LSBoy started texting me. I was still kinda drunk (I think) and the text messages turned into innuendo. Next thing I know we have a date and the rest is history.

I went from a total library nerd competing for grades and totally consumed with my grades into a love sick psycho. I was lucky enough to fall in love but I can't help but wonder how my law school experience would be different had I not crossed that line. My grades would undoubtedly be better. I think being in a relationship during law school is taxing. I wouldn't do it again. If lsboy and I broke up (god forbid) I wouldnt date again in law school. I can't even imagine how people with families and kids manage. My relationship is unique because Im with someone who understands what I am going through but the bad thing is now I have someone who makes me feel ok about slacking because he wants to also.

Moral of the story....TRY not to date in law school keep focused on the task at hand. Its not worth it to be all consumed and dealing with the roller coaster of dating. Thats all....

They all say it so it must be true

2010-01-12T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have picked up tid bits of advice all over the web, in person and in books about how to do better on law school exams. I have recently taken up the job of part time evening cohort B cheerleader. This is my lecture, try not to fall asleep.

"Ok, you got a bad grade because you dumped everything you know on the exam and that pisses the professors off in a big way, I know this because they say it over and over and over again. You continue to throw in irrelevant shit just to prove you know the law. Well guess what anyone can learn the law, ANYONE. That does not help you stand out. what you need to do is the following:

1. Come into the exam with a good attitude, be calm and confident
2. Read the call of the question first!
3. Read slowly and carefully
4. Spend time outlining your answers
5. Answer the damn question! Make sure you understand what he is asking! Dont answer questions he isnt asking. FOLLOW DIRECTIONS!!
6. Pretend like you are a lawyer and a client has come to you with this ridiculous problem (aka hypo) Address the exam as if you were giving real true legal advice. If a client comes to you about breach of contract you absolutely DO NOT go into implied warranty of merchantibility. You answer their questions, logically, methodically, using COMMON SENSE and the law you learned.
7. READ THE CASES and pay attention to the analysis done by the Justices. Pay close attention! Thats how you learn to write that way, methodically, systematically, answering questions!!!!
8. If you are faced with a problem you cant answer try to walk yourself through it and spend more time thinking than writing.
9. Make your exam easier to read, use headings and write in complete sentences, seperate issues by paragraphs and try to spell check.
10. Be concise and always follow each conclusory statement with "BECAUSE" then change it up to show the other side of the story with "HOWEVER"
11. Don't get psyched out and don't DONT DONT DONT quote commercial outlines---they will kill u! Offering information that was not addressed in class, in the reading etc. will piss off the professor. they think this: "Oh student B didnt bother to come to class, read or take notes, instead he crammed using a commercial outline offering law I didn't cover and didn't even want to see addressed on this exam NO POINTS!
12. Read prior exams and really understand what they did that make them stand out

I think the only point of law school is to train us to think like lawyers by reading millions of opinions and engaging in class discussion, you learn the law when you study for the BAR. I think it's safe to say that if you don't know how to analyze a hypo properly you will NOT pass the bar. This advice works for people like me who are not all that naturally smart, people who spend more time studying because they need to. There are naturally smart, logical thinkers who don't need to put in this effort but if you are a C student and not because you are lazy then this might help.

This is just my two cents and doesnt mean shit to anyone but me. So take it with a grain of salt.

Wipes

2010-01-10T21:18:00.000-08:00

Diaper wipes. I keep seeing them in everyone's bathrooms lately. The question I have is do you use these wet things instead of toilet paper, before toilet paper, or after toilet paper because I find that they leave your ass uncomfortably moist and therefore I will not be switching anytime soon. Unless you can share your wisdom with me and make it seem a little less disgusting?

Mediocrity

2010-01-09T16:39:00.000-08:00

Embrace it. I am finishing up my 1st year and my classmates are flooding my email with depressing stories of their average grades. Everyone asks the same questions and being as introspective as I am I have an answer--

First of all we all know that we know the law. That is a given. What we don't know is how to present it in a lawyerly like fashion. So what should we do? I propose the LEEWS challenge. Have you heard of it? It is a strategic exam answering audio presentation. They offer many other products and services but you should check them out for yourself.

LEEWS teaches you how to read, analyze, organize and answer a law school exam hypo in a Professor friendly manner. After all we will learn the law when we take Bar review classes so law school's only purpose is to teach us to think like a lawyer. Yes, I know we are all so sick of hearing that but its true.

I did not study AT ALL and i managed to bring in average grades. Average grades or as my sister says, "C's get degrees" will get me by BUT if I did not study and managed to pull average grades....imagine if I studied and learned to write better! I would be an A student no question about it.

The bottom line is that the "light bulb" has officially gone off and I am convinced that all I need to focus on this semester is being logical, methodical, organized and efficient. Sounds easy huh~! It is! Especially when you have guidelines and a structured program to follow. So, Im on it and I will keep you all posted on my progress.

I am reading my Civ Pro for Monday and I must say....I did kinda miss it! Welcome to Spring 2010 everyone! Good luck!

WHAT DO YOU WANTTTT FROM ME!!

2009-12-16T20:32:00.000-08:00

WHY....WHY is it that my freaking family always bugs the hell out of me during finals. I have one more gawd damn final tomorrow. My patience is thin, very, very thin. So when i have a million missed calls from grandpa, dad and all the rest--- I want to kill them. WHAT DONT THEY UNDERSTAND! I can not talk on the phone, there will be no technical support for grandpa and no marital advice for Dad! Leave me alone!!!!!! My grampa has been struggling with Craigs list for god knows how long even though I typed him STEP BY STEP instructions. His new favorite hobby is selling his junk online. But the guy can't remember how to do it to save his life. Oh lets not forget about the email from the "FBI" letting him know that he just won 15 million dollars, which was being kept in an account in Nigeria for him. He would NOT believe me that it was a scam and he responded to the fucking dude. So I had to go to the FBI website and find the form explaining exactly what these Nigerians were up to and forward it to him. I told him to read thru each form so he knows which emails are spam. I digress.

One more final tomorrow. Then guess what? I will still be unavailable because I will be suffering from the inevitable law school final hangover, not alcohol induced but knowledge overload induced. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

Accountability for today

2009-12-10T12:34:00.001-08:00

It is 12:34 pm and I need a break from civ pro. I have one hour to do the following:

The dishes
clean the living room
take out the trash
put a load of laundry in
tend to the litter box
shower

GO

Awkward Exits courtesy of Awkward Law Students

2009-12-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

The asshole professor finishes his last lecture and then says, "Ok, so thats it...bye." And one by one 4 people started clapping. And I was a little perplexed. Do you clap at the end of the class? It reminded me of when people clap at the end of a movie. Like I have said a million times, the human species is foreign to me. I don't quite understand these things people do. Why clap at the end of a movie? They can't hear you. And why clap at a teacher especially if he sucked. Thank you professor your performance, the one that put me into a catatonic state every week was award winning! *clap* So I stood up and began gathering my shit while people clapped. Then I looked at the professor and he looked confused too so I bowed. I figured my performance of bullshitting my way through a good 7 briefs was more entertaining than him. He laughed. The End.

Obscure and sort of Ethnic Binge

2009-12-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

Civ Pro final this Friday, am I ready? Absolutely not. I am in worse shape than ever before in the law school exam preparation race. Why? Because Id rather do other important things, like blog. So I got all kinds of weird cravings today and I went for it.

The day began with a large Pan Dulce, then off to work. At work I had two diet cokes, a peanut butter cookie, half of a Vietnamese wrap and ginger sauce, then I had Jalapeno Chicken at a Chinese spot. Once I got home I had the old time favorite: cheeze its and a beer. Just a few minutes ago I went to Henry's to pick up some food for LSBoys lunch and I got the following for myself:

Vegetarian stuffed grape leaves
Chili lime dried mango pieces
Chicken salad
Sharp cheddar cheese
and MOCHI they had MOCHI!!!!

Now I will have another beer and get back to studying. The end.