Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Time to get head out of ass!

Wow. I really blew it. Last weekend I did my typical get super duper wasted and freak out plan. This seems to be a common coping mechanism for me. I freaked out in a huge way. Got way to drunk and ended up paying for it psychologically and physically for days. Even today I'm not quite right. L.A. won't forget me anytime soon. So I moved.

My room is about the size of a closet with half a closet. Did I mention I have enough clothes to fill up about four of these? There is just not enough room for me. And what did I expect for such cheap rent? The house is so nice. My cat is like a bull in a china shop. He wants to fuck with everything, especially me. Today was especially delightful. (god i hate that word) Anyway, 4am sharp he starts howling and scratching on the door. He would NOT stop. God hates me for what I did to him. I am so afraid of imposing on my new roommate. Needless to say I sat up and held him as he scratched and clawed at me until the roommate went to work at 630 it was the longest two hours of my life....since Sat night anyway.

I got so freakin clausterphobic today that I went out found a storage space and took my little car back and forth 7 times until I got rid of all the shit I had in my roommates spare room. It took me all day long. Then I went to petsmart and bought every fucking cat thing you could imagine to make him feel better. Including a huge dog kennel which I will not hesitate to lock him in tonight if he pulls that shit again. Fuck adjusting. Now for the very best part..............I have to start getting ready for school asap.

I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve I wish I could be stronger this is so lame. I am too old to be such a cry baby! I don't think I am the survivor I thought I was. The only thing I can imagine triggers this horrible reaction to moving, even when it's a positive move, is the dread, fear, and just pure chaos that went on in my head when my parents kicked me out at 15. It has to be that every time I move it triggers all that insecurity and fear because this really is not bad. In fact its quite comfortable and a great deal and I am still crying every time I open my eyes. I feel very alone and I am so not alone. To be honest I don't know why my friends put up with me...I am the kind of girl that I would dump as a friend...The one who sucks the life out of you with her dramatic reactions to stupid shit. Fuck.

3 comments:

me said...

You'll make it, we all have those fears and anxiety. Keep on track and realize that life isn't always easy. Keep your chin up, I know its cliche, but it helps.

Eva said...

snap out of it!!!
your fine!!!
your normal!!!
and you already knew this was coming, change is good member? Well member it then! remind yo self....!

we miss u tho :(

meymey said...

aww girl, keep ur head up! dont let the stress (or the cat!) get the best of you!!!