Today was one of those days. A monumental one-- at least in my uneventful life it was. LSBoy and I went to my storage to pick up my 4 boxes and put them in his storage. Mind you those 4 boxes are all I have, that's IT. LSBoy has two garages full of toys, tools, vehicles, you name it he has 3. So it was quite awkward. I couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking wow this chick has done nothing with her life.
The thing is...I'm a gypsy. I never stay put for very long and along the way I have lost or thrown out a ton of shit. Some of it gets tossed by mistake and most of it I just don't want to carry. Anyway, he was taking it upon himself to open my boxes and look through them and say things like, "this can go to the salvation army" or "wow, really?" or "these days are OVER." (he was referring to my lil boom box that I used to keep in my bathroom. It was bitter sweet because on one hand I was sharing my most personal stuff with him and on the other hand I was giving up the last bit of independence I have. That's it nothing is all mine anymore. I cried. I didn't sob but I got choked up because god forbid we break up--I will walk out the door with nothing but a napsack. Or so it seems.
I took a strange route in life. At one time I was the youngest of my friends to have my very own furnished apartment. But I worked full time as a slave to some company just to make ends meet. I wasn't happy. That's when I decided to go back to college and get my ass into law school. So here I am 30 years old, first year of law school and not a dime to my name. While LSBoy has a career, a super duper awesome retirement plan (military), three cars, three real estate properties and me. We are polar opposites in every respect. He said he was jealous because my life is so much less complicated than his but I felt inadequate.
At the same time I felt super close to him today. And the fact that he keeps saying, "am i going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life?" (regarding my erratic PMS) makes me know that he thinks he's in it for the long haul. That makes me secure and content...today anyway.
BTW!!!! I got called on in Con Law last night and I knew the fucking case. I didn't black out like i usually do. I hate that class so much that i have a mental block in it. Last night I just did it...and it went fine. That is always good.
Now I sleep because I'm exhausted..physically and mentally. Man being vulnerable is hard work.
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3 comments:
That's the hardest part, blending. Sounds like it's going well...with a little bump. I still have a box of ridiculous things in the back of my closet that he is not allowed to touch or even consider tossing. And we've been married for 15 years.
Im trying to find that balance between blending and being independent. I don't know why but I am compelled to keep a lot of things to myself and not share. Lately Ive been forced to share and its freakin HARD.
It is hard, especially for people who have been really independent for a long time. DH and I got together later and the first couple (10) years were hard. We fought so much. There are days I look back and wonder how we stayed together. But it was worth it. Take care and keep back small bits and bites.
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