Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Love...what else did you expect?

Comparisons rule a woman's mind when she is in a relationship. We watch movies, see commercials, and hear stories from our friends about the wonderful things men do. In real life the perfect guy is really relative. Some guys shower you with kisses and passionate sexy love and some guys give you themselves body and soul. I find it rare that any one guy possess all qualities, in fact I have never experienced it myself. Then there is the horrible habit of comparing one guy to an ex....

LSBoy and I have been dating for 9 months now and around this time in my last relationship I was devastatingly heart broken. I carefully waited 6 months before I would even allow him (the ex) to call me his girlfriend. Then over the subsequent 3 months I let my guard down and became very comfortable, or complacent I'm still not entirely sure. The thing is that we had years and years and years of history. Our families knew eachother and we had been together prior to this time twice for long periods of time. This time I was convinced he was the "one" and we would get married. It would be the fairy tale story. Ex was my first love...my first everything. We endured some huge emotional, mental, and physical pains and growth together. But some things never change and he grew tired of me and decided to cheat. I caught him immediately. I do not ignore my intuition and it didn't take but 5 minutes for me to figure it all out. Anyway, I was sick. I died inside.

I spent those 9 months planning our wedding in my head, imagining dancing with my dad, my dress, the location...Fourth of July at beach on a rooftop of some fancy hotel, probably Malibu. When I say I daydreamed about this until my eyes watered DAILY I am not kidding. So this horrible betrayal crushed me to my core. I didn't eat, sleep, or stop crying for a good 6 months. How could this happen? I had no idea it was coming and I wasn't just anyone I was his first love!! I was the girl who had been in his life for 15 years. I saw him through some early heartbreak, we were best friends before we got together. Our young love was passionate, obsessive, hungry and all consuming--I gave myself to him and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, I grew up and decided to leave him after three long adolescent/teenage years together. There came a point when I wasn't ok with being a lazy delinquent I craved more for myself and moved on. I know he had a really hard time with that breakup, in fact he moved to another state so he wouldnt have to see me.

It was almost as if he waited all those years to pay me back for breaking his heart. He lured me in by his comfortable familiarity and big talk about our future that couldn't be anything less than fate. We were meant to be according to him and I let myself believe it. I think I was more in love with the fairy tale of it all. To marry my first love...how sweet.

Two years after this last go around with the ex we began seeing eachother again...and again he worshipped me and begged me to give him another chance. I was a brandnew lonley scared psychotic law student who needed some companionship that was easy. I already knew him, better than he knows himself, there would be minimal drama because my heart wasn't in it. In fact I didn't love him or want him at all. I just settled because it was easy.

So here I am, haven't seen Ex in about 6 months and I don't miss him at all. Occasionally I get a pathetic text but after what he did to me I will never respect him or love him again.

Now back to LSBoy we are at the same point (9months) as me and my Ex were when he cheated on me. So I watch LSBoy and try to stay conscious of how he appears to feel. Has he lost interest, is he feeling the "itch" is this going to be ok. Im fucking petrified. Whats worse is that I want with all of my heart to hope and dream that him and I will build a lasting relationship, I cant. I'm too scared. The good news is that every couple of weeks we have some really good days where I fall MORE in love with him. How much more in love can you get when you think you love someone as much as you can? It gets deeper and deeper somehow. Anyway, I feel good about us and I think we are ok and I hate my Ex for making me so afraid.

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and sometimes it annoys me (her writing style) but sometimes it is profound.

Oh yeah....finals are coming up! Good luck!

1 comment:

idwsj said...

Awww, yay 9 months.

This is just like a romantic comedy...except more romance, less comedy.

I love it :)