Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sort of Human again, I think

My check book register has been retrieved, my alarm clock has been set, and my slacks have been neatly pressed. That's right folks I got a J*O*B! Now don't be impressed because it is nothing fancy, I am working for my dad. But hey the pay and flexibility are good. Even though it is finals time and I should be studying, it feels good to work and earn money.

Priorities have shifted lately and it is a bit unnerving. I'm never brave enough to talk about my future with anyone because I am petrified of being made a fool. This time I feel ok about it so here it is: LSBoy might be "it." I am not one to profess my undying love or put all my eggs in one basket or advertise to the world how vulnerable I am, THAT is how much faith I have in him...I put it out there, just like that. Part of me thinks I am ready to settle down, really settle down (like grown up settle down) but when it seems like a possibility in my life, I freeze and want to run. Recently, LSBoy and I have been having serious conversations. I won't go into to great detail for fear that a certain lurker is still reading but I will say I've had the urge to run. Out of nowhere I get this feeling that I desperately need a break, to go away and be alone. The good news is that the feeling isn't in my gut where it usually is. Meaning the feeling is a reflex-- an old bad habit rather than an unstoppable urgent need.

The funny thing is a few of my friends, who like me, swore a lonnnnng life of meaningless, frivolous, indulgent relationships, are feeling the same way. I think it's our age--that's what I keep telling them. Just when you think you have made it through all the awkward you can take in one life you turn 30--ish and then you have a whole new list of awkward shit to live through. Marriage, kids, blending families, domestication, ugh! So instead of dreaming of the 14th amendment tonight I will probably be dreaming of 14 adopted babies running a muck in "our" home out in the middle of no-where. What the fuck has happened to me?

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