Day 6--Im breathing

What a fucking roller coaster! I've read just about every break up book on the planet; none of which address the Dumper's role in sufficient detail. It is an obsession of mine to be able to predict outcome's. What is the next step? Is it normal that I am laughing one minute and desperately crying the next? The hardest part of all this is that no one is begging me to come back, no one is promising me the world, nothing...no communication at all.

Here is what I have learned from all these damn books: Heartbreak/heartache makes you feel again in a very raw and real way. Everything is relevant, you become very present.

"Everyone and everything you encounter becomes a part of your heartbreak by reminding you of your loss, sadness and shame..and every single couple in every sin single song, movie and tv show points out either the impossible beauty of love.... The whole planet mirrors your sorrow and there is nowhere to hide...everything becomes very personal and intimate" Susan Piver

You lose control of your mind (gasp) You are stuck in traffic, in line at the grocery store or just sitting at your desk and suddenly this wave of sadness overcomes you and the tears CANT stop, no matter what. You want to be alone but you CANT be alone because then you are stuck with your thoughts.

The thing is the love that these books talk about or the loss thereof is a passionate body and soul connection kind of love. I did not have that. My ex was incapable of that body and soul connection. You have to know him to understand what I mean. I knew he loved my because I could see it in his eyes plus he treated me very well. I, on the other hand am driven by passion, it seeps out of my pores. (Scorpio through and through) Everything I do, I do passionately. My light has been extinguished for about 2 years. I wouldn't want someone as passionate as me but I would want someone who would be inspired (not intimidated) by my drive and accomplishments and who could at least be passionate in bed. We all have deal breakers.

Where I am at today: Still feeling guilty for being peaceful, when I am peaceful. Worried about him, then selfishly sad that he is probably not skipping a beat, excited to be in charge of my future again, excited to chase my own dreams and have the time to do it. And then ANGRY, VERY ANGRY that he kept my cat.

Do I still wish he would call me and invite me over and everything would magically be fixed and we would kiss passionately and hold on to eachother so tight, and there would be flowers and everything would be right forever, yes.

Truth is, other than his "collection" problem and his robotic nature (no passion) he is the perfect man and I wish I couldve spent the rest of my life with him. Instead I'll move forward and find a man that I inspire and that inspires me to always try and be a better person! There are two things I believe with all of my heart: (1) If a man wants to love you or marry you NOTHING will stop him from keeping you (2) If your mate doesn't inspire you, or is not inspired by you, you are not living.