Suck Ass Kind of Day

There were several melt downs that occurred today. It all began on my way to work, out of the blue that wave of heartache swept over me, next thing you know--my freshly applied makeup is smeared and all over my face. Great! I didn't sleep well last night.

Then around noon, my next breaking point, I get several school related emails from LSBoy and a phone call from my estranged Gpa. FML! Melt down two occurred in the Taco Bell drive through--lost my appetite real quick.

These break up books are all the same, which means two things-- either they are all copying each other or there are just certain things that help everyone, generally, cope. One thing that is pervasive throughout is that you shouldn't doubt breaking up, if you did it, then stick with your decision because otherwise you are being untrue to yourself AGAIN. I feel very vulnerable and lonely today. If LSBoy were to call and say hey bitch get your shit, Id probably say, "YES ILL COME HOME FOREVER RIGHT NOW." WHY?!? Because it is safe, it is familiar, it isnt't my friends couch, my cat is there, my shoes are recorded, and my old best friend is there too.

Tonight I'll make a list of all the deal breakers the serious ones, not shallow stupid ones, but the one's that you just CANT live with no matter what, and I'll carry it around so I can look at it when I'm feeling weak. It's not that I worry about ME calling him because I would never, but if he called or texted or emailed me I don't think I could ignore him.

Truth is, his "ways" made me very cold towards him, I never shared my life with him, I did not confide in him, and when I did he threw it in my face later. We did not have an intimate connection. We had some weird, connection because we had the same first car, the same scar on our hands, the same kind of mother's, and the same feelings about rights of passage. But you know what----------I never, NOT one time looked him in the eye while......

That says a lot, to me it does anyway.