Being a misfit is such a daunting task. The whole kid, husband, family, life isn't in my cards and I planned it that way. My fear is...regret. Will I regret dedicating my life to my intellectual endeavors? Family doesn't mean much to me. But at the same time, lately at least, I feel a twinge of sadness when I see all of the family photos posted on Facebook each weekend. People LOVE hanging out with their family. What am I missing? I do remember a time, vaguely, where I enjoyed my family. You leave a family gathering with an indescribable sense of peace. Those days are so long ago and even then, so far and few in between.
Defining yourself in terms of your accomplishments or your brilliant mind is shallow. It's just as bad as defining yourself based on being rich or beautiful. I like to think I am a good person. However, my heart and soul are constantly filled with doubt as to my "goodness." Why would my ENTIRE family, except one sister and one brother, have ill feelings towards me. They aren't shy about expressing their disgust and dislike toward me. Am I dumb? What did I do? If my memory serves me correctly, I remember dropping everything at any time to help my family. Somehow, I am estranged from them all. Preaching to me about forgiveness and acceptance does nothing for me. I am not the one who made the choice to disconnect from them. Granted, they have all hurt me and disappointed me with their reckless life choices but I've reached out--unsuccessfully.
Today, I decided that my life is designed this way for a reason and I need to figure it out. The universe needs me detached from my family for some reason. But what? It's been so many years that I cannot even fathom reconciliation with them. This brings me to dating...How in the hell am I going to explain that I do not have contact with my Mom or Dad and the only family I have in this WHOLE world is my sister and brother? If someone told me that I would automatically believe they are a shitty person. For example, my sister is my world and there is nothing on this planet I love more, when other people tell me they are estranged from their siblings it freaks me out. (Projection?)
I've dedicated a majority of my life to being self aware. So I believe that I have integrity and hold my good character in the highest regard. Absent a character flaw, or being a liar, cheat or thief, why would you own family not love you? Also, it's telling that my WHOLE family feels this way, all for different reasons. If it were just one family member then it could be chalked up to having a personality conflict with one family member.
My family is small, which changes things a bit. On my maternal side I have my Mom--that's it. On my paternal side I have two aunts, one uncle, four cousins, my dad, his wife and a step grampa. I guess the most painful part of all of this is not having supportive parents. No matter what I do, how hard I work, what I accomplish, I am not worthy of their love and acceptance. My Mom accuses me of being arrogant and talking down to her. I pride myself in remaining humble and I definitely do not look down on her. In fact I am in awe of the obstacles she has overcome in her life. She was an orphan so she just may not have it in her to love me uncondtionally? She admits we did not bond when I was a baby. Hence, my attachment disorders...
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1 comment:
Because other people choose to distance themselves from you doesn't necessarily have to do with you. There are many reasons people are discontent and trying to figure out their issues can drive you nuts. Just keep doing what your doing and be happy.
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