Don't Lose Yourself

Being 34 years old, I have finally come to understand my patterns. It took a few cycles before I noticed that life is generally cyclical. I keep doing the same things over and over again. Do I expect different results? (Insanity?) No I don’t think so. I don’t think it ever gets that deep. Actually, I’m pretty sure I wake up, obsess over my career and the rest is just background noise. Sometimes things are different and I’m not caught up in the grind. Every time I feel the way I do today...I end up with a boyfriend. I'm trying to jinx myself because I need more ME time still. My gut instinct is powerful and my rule of thumb is "talk about it and it WONT happen. Ignore it and it will." Hence.....this post.

Lately, I’ve been pleasantly comfortable being in my own company. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I am enjoying myself. This startled me the other day. I was sitting on my freshly made bed sending out a quick email reply when I realized…I have my own routine finally! There are several reasons I have been stuck in a rut.

1. Post Graduate life is an adjustment for everyone. It is hard to find balance when you are a diehard intellect and a human being too. Being ok with not having school took me one long year and two long months. Even two nights ago I had a nightmare that it was my last day of law school again and I cried like someone stole my puppy.

2. I went through a break up. For several years I was completely and utterly consumed by his life. Blood, sweat, and tears went into building his empire before I finally realized…this is not what I want. It wasn’t what he wanted either but I think we would’ve stayed together forever in misery had I not jumped. Anyway, despite our incompatibilities, he took damn good care of me and enabled (encouraged) my darkest neurosis. Therefore, the aftermath of the breakup was bitter sweet. The day of, I was euphoric (not exaggerating) months later I was deeply depressed. Today, I am content and comfortable with the fact that I love him and he loves me and we love each other enough to stay apart! But he is still a good source of support to me. I’m really lucky in the ex boy friend department. All of them are very good to me.

3. Post breakup I had to take 1 million steps backward. Moved in with a friend and RENTED A ROOM. This was a huge morale killer. Being in my mid 30’s, single, and living in a bedroom! WTF! Of all my obstacles in the last year this is probably the hardest one. Thank god after the bar exam I spent exactly 4 weeks finding an apartment.

4. The apartment. Living alone. No furniture. No friends. And……roaches. Yes, cock roaches. I had a mother-fucking conniption fit. Luckily, I chose a quality apartment complex that promptly moved me to the BEST apartment in the complex with a breathtaking view of the pool and the trees. My apartment is private and surrounded by beautiful nature. It looks like an oasis. AND my ex-boyfriend practically furnished the entire place. All this went down in April. Today, July 22, just days before my second attempt at the bar exam, my apartment is my bliss. I have friends in my neighborhood, I’ve lost weight, and I’m HAPPY. When I’m happy the goodness that exists in my soul floods the world and it becomes my mission to brighten all who encounter me. My energy, good or bad, can be quite powerful. It's a blessing and a curse. Which is why my boss/mentor believes that i will be an amazing trial lawyer--someday. (god willing) I digress.

Bottom line: I can’t date because I will inevitably lose myself again and it takes way too long to get here. If you read this and say, “Well, that’s dumb. Don’t lose yourself.” That is simple and hypocritical. Let’s be real. How many of you women, with your natural care taking instincts, can successfully keep your identity in tact when in a relationship? Maybe you are selfish?

I’m all about being honest with myself. Just because it seems like the best way to be-- doesn’t mean one is able to be that way. Don't get me wrong there isn't a guy on the planet that will get me to enjoy football. Nor will I ever change my political views, pretend to like video games or Sci-Fi movies. However, I will wash his clothes and make sure he is taken care of. Maybe I'm less of a woman than you? All I know is that when I'm in, whether it's a friendship, family, or relationship, I'm all in! (often times to my detriment) I’ve never been conventional. (Think Big Bang Theory except not that smart)

Right now, I need all the “me” time I can get. I don’t want to share myself or my time with a man. Not now. Maybe a puppy but not a man.