Another one bites the dust...Turkey that is.

Thanksgiving usually comes and goes and I'm not a huge fan. I don't overeat, I don't cook, I don't bake, and I don't enjoy the family all the time. WHAT A HUGE BITCH! So for some reason this year I was just happy, not manic happy but not depressed which is really happy in my world these days. I drove to my grammas early to clean her house before the family dinner. This year was no different from the rest with regard to the overeating and cooking but enjoying my family--I did.

When I arrived 4 hours early,I was kinda high from listening to my book on cd in the car (a love story). My gramma was sitting in a rocking chair outside, when she saw me she whispered, "Shhh there is a kittycat there." I gasped, "Yay!" My grandpa proceeded to tell me of this poor 4 month old kittycats unfortunate circumstances. Apparently someone dumped the kitty there and it was starving when they found her. She is so pretty. Grey with short hair that is soft as cashmere, and her eyes are bright yellow. I think I'll call her daisy. The chaos at my grammas house made daisy shy and I wasnt able to catch her but LSBoy promised me he would come meet her Sat. There is no way in hell LSBoy will be able to resist her.

Today I decided I might try to learn LSBoy's language and either surprise him --or never tell him so I can understand his conversations with his mother, I am not sure yet.

I havent started studying yet....and I am starting to panic!

Love...what else did you expect?

Comparisons rule a woman's mind when she is in a relationship. We watch movies, see commercials, and hear stories from our friends about the wonderful things men do. In real life the perfect guy is really relative. Some guys shower you with kisses and passionate sexy love and some guys give you themselves body and soul. I find it rare that any one guy possess all qualities, in fact I have never experienced it myself. Then there is the horrible habit of comparing one guy to an ex....

LSBoy and I have been dating for 9 months now and around this time in my last relationship I was devastatingly heart broken. I carefully waited 6 months before I would even allow him (the ex) to call me his girlfriend. Then over the subsequent 3 months I let my guard down and became very comfortable, or complacent I'm still not entirely sure. The thing is that we had years and years and years of history. Our families knew eachother and we had been together prior to this time twice for long periods of time. This time I was convinced he was the "one" and we would get married. It would be the fairy tale story. Ex was my first love...my first everything. We endured some huge emotional, mental, and physical pains and growth together. But some things never change and he grew tired of me and decided to cheat. I caught him immediately. I do not ignore my intuition and it didn't take but 5 minutes for me to figure it all out. Anyway, I was sick. I died inside.

I spent those 9 months planning our wedding in my head, imagining dancing with my dad, my dress, the location...Fourth of July at beach on a rooftop of some fancy hotel, probably Malibu. When I say I daydreamed about this until my eyes watered DAILY I am not kidding. So this horrible betrayal crushed me to my core. I didn't eat, sleep, or stop crying for a good 6 months. How could this happen? I had no idea it was coming and I wasn't just anyone I was his first love!! I was the girl who had been in his life for 15 years. I saw him through some early heartbreak, we were best friends before we got together. Our young love was passionate, obsessive, hungry and all consuming--I gave myself to him and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, I grew up and decided to leave him after three long adolescent/teenage years together. There came a point when I wasn't ok with being a lazy delinquent I craved more for myself and moved on. I know he had a really hard time with that breakup, in fact he moved to another state so he wouldnt have to see me.

It was almost as if he waited all those years to pay me back for breaking his heart. He lured me in by his comfortable familiarity and big talk about our future that couldn't be anything less than fate. We were meant to be according to him and I let myself believe it. I think I was more in love with the fairy tale of it all. To marry my first love...how sweet.

Two years after this last go around with the ex we began seeing eachother again...and again he worshipped me and begged me to give him another chance. I was a brandnew lonley scared psychotic law student who needed some companionship that was easy. I already knew him, better than he knows himself, there would be minimal drama because my heart wasn't in it. In fact I didn't love him or want him at all. I just settled because it was easy.

So here I am, haven't seen Ex in about 6 months and I don't miss him at all. Occasionally I get a pathetic text but after what he did to me I will never respect him or love him again.

Now back to LSBoy we are at the same point (9months) as me and my Ex were when he cheated on me. So I watch LSBoy and try to stay conscious of how he appears to feel. Has he lost interest, is he feeling the "itch" is this going to be ok. Im fucking petrified. Whats worse is that I want with all of my heart to hope and dream that him and I will build a lasting relationship, I cant. I'm too scared. The good news is that every couple of weeks we have some really good days where I fall MORE in love with him. How much more in love can you get when you think you love someone as much as you can? It gets deeper and deeper somehow. Anyway, I feel good about us and I think we are ok and I hate my Ex for making me so afraid.

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and sometimes it annoys me (her writing style) but sometimes it is profound.

Oh yeah....finals are coming up! Good luck!

Nothing Feels Right

I have this eery nagging gut feeling that everything is wrong. After spending an hour reading I hate law school blog posts I had a meltdown. And this melt down occurred right before class. So I went to class with bloodshot eyes and tissue particles all over my eyelashes. At one point Twinkle Toes hysteria about concurrent ownership sent me into panic mode and the tears almost fell but I managed to hole them back.

My life doesnt feel right. In some way or many ways I am not being true to myself and I don't know how to pinpoint it. There could be a million things I am doing or not doing that are just against my normal tendencies. Not only do I feel sick but I am creating distance between me and LSBoy and my friends too. I just don't feel good.

I've run out of strength to fight the thoughts I have. There was a time when I could manipulate my thoughts and straighten out but lately I'm tired. Thirty ONE years of struggling to be--just be. I'm never present,EVER I am always in my thoughts. Dwelling on yesterday and trying to deny or ignore tomorrow. I don't really have any dreams or passion right now. You really can't understand what law school does to you until you experience it. I've heard many people say they felt the way I do now when they were in law school but I figured they were overreacting.

JAG

Does anyone have any info on the application process, other than what can be found online. I.e. does anyone have any personal experience with this?

Help!

Racist

I was called ignorant today by someone I love and respect very much. This Fort Hood incident is causing a little turmoil in my life. This person we will call QP is under the impression that there will be a backlash against Muslim, Arab and Pakistani people because of that psycho psychiatrist. He said that this has "set him back" and may make him subject to unwarranted investigation by his employer. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NUTS. While i was speaking to QP I got the impression he was "pulling the race card." Which is so out of character for him. QP said that three other people made comments to him about their concern for him and the possibility of hate crimes towards middle eastern people. I'm so torn. Are American people really THAT hateful and stupid? Do they really believe that one fucking nut job psychiatrist makes it ok to racially profile soldiers? Really? Sometimes I don't think i am human because I do not understand people AT ALL. Or do I choose to keep my eyes closed because the truth is too painful? The problems are too large and my hands are tied.

Maybe I am living in a fantasy world where racism isn't as prevalent as it really is? I'm white I don't really truly understand racism. I've experienced hate directed toward me for being white and for being a girl but only like twice ever. Those experiences make you feel shameful, and super fucking angry. I suppose I could be more understanding but I feel like it's bullshit. I've dated guys from just about every background never thinking about their culture or ethnicity other than what kind of crazy mom's they will have.

I think ignorant is a strong word that should be used with caution. I am not ignorant, I may be naive but NOT fucking ignorant.Although I will concede to being naive I will also point out that those who worry about being judged are the ones who judge. Those who are suspicious are the ones who lie. Those who can't trust others are the ones that can't be trusted. That was sort of cryptic but I think you can see where I am going with that. The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the news was oh my god he was a psychiatrist! I didn't for one second thing about him being Muslim. According to different news articles I've read the man had a history of combative relationships with his patients and wanted out of the Army because of his anti war on terror beliefs. Maybe the Army messed up..maybe they should pay closer attention to the mental well being of their soldiers. He fucking snapped. Virginia Tech sure does have bad luck with the psycho's.

How is racism still tolerated? How? I can't imagine what it would feel like to hate someone because of their religion or ethnicity. The only type of people I can understand hating are stupid people and I FUCKING HATE RACIST PEOPLE because they are stupid.

My deepest condolences to the friends and family of the victims.

About that...

I never did come back and fill you all in on the psychic reading I had not too long ago. Well the thing is ...that my friend Disney went to the same psychic and guess what---SHE GOT THE SAME READING V E R B A T U M!!

Go ahead, laugh, tell me I'm retarded, I already know. So I thought of her questions and tried to put them together and thought I might try a science experiment and ask other people the same kind of questions. I could see how hard it would be to guess. Then I read this article which confirmed my suspicions.

The very first statement Miss Cleo said was, "You will be getting a new job soon." Ok well considering the unemployment rate in my county is like 11%, chances are I am either in fear of losing my job or unemployed. That is just one of the many brilliant ways she tricked me into thinking she might have really known what was going on.

So that pretty much sucked but at least I don't have to worry about LSBoy not taking me seriously because that was mere speculation.

For a Season

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown