Morning Three...Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

How often does one find themselves being the "dumper" instead of the "dumpee?" Isn't it supposed to be easy to be the one who walked away? NO, because there is a lot of guilt involved.

Did I not give him a chance to respond to my requests? (is one year not enough time)

Is he going to be ok?

Should I have called him mom?

Those are just a few examples of the millions of doubts and questions than are on loop in my brain.

Here's what I did: I read Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall and some other dumb book. Dr. Marshall's book was fabulous it takes away some of the guilt because it tells me, what I already know but now I'm positive. To me if you love someone you will move mountains and fight to make it work. In my case he chose to just watch me walk away. Don't get me wrong, he asked me to stay and asked me to give him until the end of the month. BUT he made those statements with qualifications, and I just know he would disapoint me AGAIN.

Woke up with butterflies in my stomach (anxiety), then chugged two cups of coffee. Now I am here all alone in my best friends apartment, hoping and praying I make it through the day without any melt downs. The crying only lasts 15 minutes or so, then I am fine. During those 15 minutes I actually feel my heart breaking because I feel guilty and angry. Angry that he COULD NOT swallow his pride and fight for me.

Oh well. Here's to healing! Wish me luck at work and school today.