Friday, June 29, 2012

Change in Circumstances

Last night as I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to cry I remembered that this always happens. Every few years I move or start a new job or cause some other life altering things to happen to me. The ironic thing about this is that I am absolutely allergic to change. Physiological trauma happens to me. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I cry...deep gutt wrenching sobs. Like the whole world is falling apart.

After 34 years of this same exact reaction to my own doings, I realized last night that the world is NOT ending and I will be fine. Dealing with being uncomfortable and just allowing your mind to process the feelings seems so simple. It's not. However, if you are disciplined enough to do it, the feelings pass through you and you live.

Here is where I am at: I was scheduled to sit for the July bar exam. Five weeks into the ten week Barbri program I was informed that I had failed to properly register for the exam. How the fuck does that happen?! How?!?!?! According to the Bar Examiners: "Oh this happens allllll the time! No exceptions, sorry it's statutory. We don't care that you have already spent 5 weeks studying, or that you have already spent your bar study loan funds...sorry tough shit idiot. OH and good luck finding a job for five months until you can study again!"

It was like being punched in the face. Actually worse...I lost my breath and just sat there staring blankly into the world. Completely stunned- in shock. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? As you can imagine shit works out. BUT, I have to move in with my sister, who lives in my ex boyfriends home, and try to find a job for a few months. Being the very prudent person I am, you know the kind who doesnt press "send" when they are applying for the most important exam of their life, I am in pure panic mode.

This is not how I imagined my life. Thirty-four, shit I'm only thirty three, single, no job, a doctorate degree, living off of relatives, and completely and utterly lost.

This is how I feel today. I know things will change and I'm just going to write and feel that is all I can do. No booze, No drugs, No sex or rock and roll just deal. That is all. And I will make the best of this extra time I have to bond with my nieces and nephews.

The weirdest part is how do you assimilate back into society when you have been locked up in law school world for four years? And then is it worth it to try and become human again knowing in a few months you will be on lock down again? Law school changes you...and that is why all lawyers, law students, and anyone exposed to this field of work is weird. It's not our fault. That is also why there is so much substance abuse in this field of work. We see and hear the weirdest most awful human stories, we can't tell anyone, and we have to pretend like everything will be ok.

Oh lord.....I smell bacon and most people would be posting that shit all over facebook but bacon just doesn't excite me like that. Where is the bright side....I'll be looking for it all day.

1 comment:

meymey said...

oh girl, i am so so sorry! i cant even imagine... well onward and upward, six months will come much sooner than you think!