Saturday, September 26, 2009

How Many Times

I remember telling my first love that I wanted to fall in love a million times. Boy was I foolish but at 18 what do you really know about life? My question many times does the average person fall in love. I also wonder how many people in life have never experienced being in love.

How do you know when you are in love? I have so many questions. For me I think you know when you meet someone you will fall in love with. Each time I have fallen, I knew from the beginning that I would. Some common denominators in my experience are feeling like you want to be a better person, and feeling like you want to take all the pain away from the one you love. Looking at that person and wanting to give them everything they are lacking and just add to their life in general.

Today being in love means enduring endless trips to homedepot, listening to hours and hours of mindless chatter about saving a buck, and putting up with all the chaos that is LSBoy. The only thing that makes me sad about being in love at 30 is that I will never be his first anything. At this age both of us have experienced all kinds of feelings for other people. There is something really powerful about being the "one"...or at least the "first one." My first love would give up anything to be with me now and that was 15 years ago. Yes, we are still in touch. We grew up together, have many mutual friends and I truly love his family.

Each love was different and other than the first none is better or worse than the other. But I want to be THE's impossible.

I guess it is better to deal with someone who has 15 years of prior relationships than someone who has like 20 or 30 years worth of baggage. I can't help but feel any love after the first is superficial on some levels. That intense all consuming love that happens once just can't be duplicated, at least i dont thinks so.

To be honest I don't know what is provoking these thoughts in me. Maybe because at 30 most of my friends have been married for some time. Some as long as 10 years and sadly many of them are divorcing, separating, or leaning towards that greener grass. Being single at 30 is bitter sweet. On the one hand I'm not getting a divorce and on the other hand there are very few "firsts" I can experience with anyone at this point. It's a strange feeling. I guess you have to find other ways to create that deep bond. But how?

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