Saturday, January 25, 2014

Professional Progress

Well, here I am. Exactly where I have been trying to be for the last million years. That means I have to find my style and market myself professionally. That also means I should watch my words. In the wrong hands, my glib comments could ruin me.

I intend to begin a professional blog and grow up a little.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Almost Perfect...

When life is Almost Perfect…

Dating, life, and acceptance will be the theme today. I had the great pleasure of indulging in December’s issue of Cosmo. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to allow my mind to wander and contemplate frivolous things like sex and love. Ahhhhhh! How I missed it.

My friends and I have all become quite active in the dating world. This means pure crazy everywhere I turn. Girls are crazy and boys are dumb! Here we are all guessing, manipulating, and thinking way too hard about stupid meaningless shit.

For the last few months of my life I decided to distract myself from impending bar results by dating. There have been many men. Most of who were purely social experiments. I studied them; cross examined them and then reported my findings to my girlfriends who were starving for an inside link into a man’s mind. My questions were: “what is the most annoying thing you have experienced with a girl.” “How often do you want to have sex?” “Why do men turn their girlfriends into this un-sexy object after they fall in love?” “What do you think of prenups?” “Marriage”?
There was no shame in my line of questioning because frankly I did not give a fuck about any of these men. None of them caught my attention and I think it is because my motives were different. Not looking for love, just looking to pass the time and learn about men.

Then one fateful Thursday, after multiple failed attempts to coordinate a date, a guy I will call HP asked me out again and I hesitated. He seemed nice enough but results were the next day and I couldn’t stomach the idea of another interview with a man. Distraction on this day was impossible. The most important day of my life was the next day. Despite my nerves, I met him.
We clicked on every level and for a few days he was ALL about me. Now, he has ghosted me. Disappeared. Communication became vague, closed ended-- polite texts to ease his conscience. “Hope your day was good?’ Wait! What happened to the sweet long messages about specific details of his day?

Then I read the article about Ghosting. Something clicked in my head. It happens. Guys loose interest that quickly. Fuck it. NEXT. I’ll let you go my perfect next boyfriend. Thanks for reminding me that I do have it in me to be genuinely interested in a man for more than just a distraction. Don’t fret girls I’m on to the next. More info. Coming soon.

Friday, November 22, 2013

I never Want to Forget This

Oh, It's a beautiful day. I just got the news that my close friend, mentor, OG road dawg just passed the freekin bar!!! This is someone who is a huge asset to the field of law and will bring integrity, ethics, and values into everything she does. We are ALL blessed today. Congratulations JDMaybe on this huge accomplishment!! You continue to pave a way for all the people who, at one time, have "outrageous" dreams, but have the courage to fight for them and turn them into realities despite the setbacks, failures, and non believers!! Because of you I am where I am today and will continue my education until I reach ALL my goals! We now have THE BEST of the best people. I am so genuinely happy an proud today. Happy patrol for life!
Like · · Share · 30 minutes ago via mobile ·

7 people like this.
JDMaybe I am HONORED that you consider me a mentor. I love you to death and always knew you had the same kind of drive as me. What you do for this world is absolutely amazing! Thank you so much! Happy Patrol FOR LIFE. xoxo
28 minutes ago · Like · 1
Maxine Together we are changing this world and bringing beauty and light into even the most darkest places!!!!! I can't wait to start a non profit and have you on the team!!! Our drive is a product of the potential we see in this world as our place in the change!! I love you so much!!!! CONGRATS AGAIN!!!!!
14 minutes ago via mobile · Like
Maxine And yes yes yes you most definitely are still my mentor!!! You are the REASON I'm here where I am doing what I'm doing now!!! You've changed many lives through the greatness you brought to light in me!!!!
12 minutes ago via mobile · Like

I passed the CBX!!!

No words...

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Legal underground - Blawg Review

I am getting a lot of traffic from here but I can't figure out why?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

August 15 to November 17

When I don't post for periods of time that is when the real shit is happening and I am so into my own mind I can't write.
As of today, there are exactly six days until Bar results come out. Managing my emotions and mind is a full time job. I spend every waking hour trying to figure out how I will get through each day. Anxiety is pumping through my veins like toxic poison.

My feelings are mine and to all the outsiders who say things like: "I know you passed." or "If you didn't pass you do it again." "you are smart I'm sure you are fine." STOP! STOP! STOP!

Imagine spending half of your life working toward a specific goal. A goal that is pretty hard to achieve. It requires self awareness, diligence, hard work, and gut wrenching studying. Your whole career depends on this one stupid test. Only half of all takers pass. You wait 4 months for results. Purgatory.

Failing is a severe financial hardship. You have to pay for the test, the hotel, and try to get time off work. Who pays the bills while you are off work? Do you get fired because that "associate position" can't wait another 6 months for you to re-take and get results? Does your mentor lose faith in you? Do you lose faith in you? Can that blow to the ego ever be mended?

My self medicating: In order to keep myself distracted, I've taken to serial dating. Last week for example I went on a date 5 out of 7 days and today is day 7. I actually have two potential dates lined up. Im exhausted. Tired of talking. I don't like talking about myself so I just sit there. Then you meet the church goers...if I spoke they would run to church. I'm bad to the core.

Dating is fun if you are actually looking for love but I'm not. So it's a chore and I dread each one. I suppose these fellas do a good enough job of inflating my super fragile ego but that only lasts so long. Then I'm empty again, feeling inadequate and afraid that I failed.

There are more productive ways to distract yourself. It's also pretty inappropriate to rely on men to make you feel good. That's just how I do things. Every girl wants to feel beautiful and if that's all I got right now, so be it. For my friends who read these to check up on me, I am ok. The worst is over. Soon, I'll know what the next step is and I'll be ok.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

To the Man who Tried to Soften my Wicked Heart

I pride myself in secrecy and my sophisticated level of understanding and communicating innuendo. You may follow this, you may not. I can't just say what I mean because it is more than I can swallow and saying it is accepting it. I hate humble pie and I hate my natural inclination to be sneaky, powerful, and egotistical. I am what I am.

Lately, out of the blue, people have been shoving god down my throat. For a brief moment I became intrigued by the irony of it all. Why were so many people, at the same time, trying to soften my heart? Maybe I do need god? Then one day someone brought me a bible with my name engraved in it. What a wonderfully thoughtful gift. Like every girl with daddy issues I confused this gesture and provoked ungodly behavior from him. Thankfully he is not weak.

I tried the bible thing. All it did was stir up my soul and we all know shit floats. There I was in the middle of a shit storm of my own making. Seduction. Somehow I became the forbidden confidant. To more than one. My emotions became so turbulent. Then I had a real talk with myself. I have no desire for love and I have no desire to be used. What I want-- is to build my empire and work hard to be the best at what I do. So far no real harm done. Time to switch gears be the old me, the me with a hard heart. That me, doesn't pay attention to the forbidden because I am not hungry for that. The vulnerable me is the one who falls for that bullshit.

The moral of the story is this: Spiritual warfare is real and in this case god did not win. The waters are settling, the shit is sinking back to the bottom and my heart is hardening.

Some people are not meant for normal. Don't interfere with that. This is me and I'm ok with it. I don't need god, not now.