Sunday, September 8, 2013

To the Man who Tried to Soften my Wicked Heart

I pride myself in secrecy and my sophisticated level of understanding and communicating innuendo. You may follow this, you may not. I can't just say what I mean because it is more than I can swallow and saying it is accepting it. I hate humble pie and I hate my natural inclination to be sneaky, powerful, and egotistical. I am what I am.

Lately, out of the blue, people have been shoving god down my throat. For a brief moment I became intrigued by the irony of it all. Why were so many people, at the same time, trying to soften my heart? Maybe I do need god? Then one day someone brought me a bible with my name engraved in it. What a wonderfully thoughtful gift. Like every girl with daddy issues I confused this gesture and provoked ungodly behavior from him. Thankfully he is not weak.

I tried the bible thing. All it did was stir up my soul and we all know shit floats. There I was in the middle of a shit storm of my own making. Seduction. Somehow I became the forbidden confidant. To more than one. My emotions became so turbulent. Then I had a real talk with myself. I have no desire for love and I have no desire to be used. What I want-- is to build my empire and work hard to be the best at what I do. So far no real harm done. Time to switch gears be the old me, the me with a hard heart. That me, doesn't pay attention to the forbidden because I am not hungry for that. The vulnerable me is the one who falls for that bullshit.

The moral of the story is this: Spiritual warfare is real and in this case god did not win. The waters are settling, the shit is sinking back to the bottom and my heart is hardening.

Some people are not meant for normal. Don't interfere with that. This is me and I'm ok with it. I don't need god, not now.


Bobby said...

Every time I visit my sister, she drags me to her church, and it's a crazy ass church. They yell and scream in there, and flail around and faint and all that. Last time she dragged me there, afterwards, I told her, "That really shook me up. I need some time to get my thing together. I'm going to go for a little walk." She was pissed. I had to finally state it though. Now, when I visit, I make sure I am in a motel near a bar, and I'm drinking, and I'm too hungover to even pick up my phone to say yes or no to church.

JD-Maybe said...

@bobby GREAT idea! The minute god came into the equation my mind went dark. I'd rather just remain blissfully ignorant of the level of my impurity.