Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sunday Means Day 9

No crying today, yet. Spent the day moving from my bff's house to my guy bff's house. Then went and got my sheets, pillows and other stuff to make me cozy. Then to target bought all the household items a roommate should chip in on. That way if he runs out of papertowels or something I don't have to worry about it. See I am a live on eggshells kinda gal, which usually sucks. But maybe now you can see why LSBoy's obliviousness to other people's needs was such a deal breaker for me. You should take a shot everytime I type "deal breaker."

Not ready to face the new roomies yet Im afraid I'll cry and I don't want to keep bringing everyone around me down. The problem with me is that I don't like to, nor do I let myself, "FEEL." I'm usually numb (depression). Right now I am raw, sad, vulnerable, angry and super annoying to be around. So here I my office. Did I mention tomorrow is my 33 birthday? Did I mention that 33 is my favorite number. Who cares right.

I must say I have a solid group of friends who know how to cheer me up just when I need it. Their attempts are futile but hey at least I feel loved.

Why was I depressed you ask, well for 1. I don't really love myself and never have and for 2. when you don't love YOURSELF you can't love others (hence the breakup) How does one love themself? Or try to, or start to? I think it starts with NOT doing the things you hate about yourself. Therefore, I need to set boundaries with myself, because I can be quite impulsive and self destructive when I am emotional---which is exactly why I try to remain numb (it's safer for me and everyone else).

Here are my boundaries (at least the one's I am brave enough to admit to here)

1. Two glass of wine minimum--with phone in other room (I don't drunk dial LSBoy but I sure harass the hell out of everyone else--no matter what time of day or night)

2. No dating until after the Bar exam So in August I'll date (This should be easy)

3. No more blowing off my homework, the mourning time frame is officially OVER-Ill be a functional hot mess

4. Stop looking like I rose from the dead (DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP YOU FREAK)

5. Start excersizing when I feel crazy (should be easy too)

6. MAKE AMENDS WITH MY DAD AND GPA (HARDEST PART OF THIS ALL) but those two men love me more than any man in this world ever will.

7. Be comfortable being alone---you were alone most of the time before anyway

8. Quit wishing magic would happen

Thats all for today, except...dont buy Kelly Clarkson's new CD! I already hate that girl but I took a risk and fuck that cd SUCKS ASS. I'm sad but I aint no man hater.


No comments: