Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Evolution of a Dream and it may have Begun with Whitney (RIP)

Warning this will be extremely cheesy. This blog is a conversation that I have with myself. Like most "highly sensitive" and educated people, I have to "talk it out." I won't apologize for my ramblings because you do have the choice to NOT read-

Now for the evolution of my DREAMS and by dreams I am referring to finding my passions and my talents, my niche in this complicated, crazy world.

I've always been different and my memories of people's reaction to me start very early in life. Always, a very deep thinker and a little off, with a strange perspective on things. At 5 years old I joined the school choir (I can NOT sing) but I wanted to be on Star Search so very badly. It consumed my every thought. The song I remember being taught and I remember singing relentlessly was by none other than the late Whitney Houston. That song may have been the extent of any positive reinforcement I received at that age. I was very lonely, confused, and neglected. I dreamed of being on Star Search, the dream was very real to me and I believed that some how, some way, I would one day sing this song on TV. That may sound hilarious today, especially since I have NO singing talent but what it represents is the fire I have always had to do something, anything, and passionately.

Here I am 28 years later and so close to my dream I can taste it. In less than 10 weeks I will be graduating and then taking the Bar Exam. I am getting so damn good at my job and it makes me so high. I work damn hard, and I prepare the best case I can for each of our clients to present to the Judge. My boss does the arguing, very well I might add and we consistently get favorable results. It makes working till 11:30 p.m. worth every minute. My point here is this, dream and dream big and work hard, BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS.

Today at school everyone was complaining about not having any job prospects lined up and no work experience. I KNEW from the start that was a MUST and I did it. Worked for PENNIES literally but the experience I gained can not be quantified in terms of money. Priceless! I have developed a style, and a method of doing family law that my firms clients LOVE and respect. They are like my family--although I do not make the mistake of crossing any professional lines. They confide in me and trust me. The process goes like this, at intake the Attorney meets and consults with the client, the client is given questionnaires, I received completed questionnaires and a memo from my boss outlining the issues and her position. I find the law, prepare the pleadings and tell an effective and succinct, judge friendly story. Then I meet with the client to review what I have done for them and they all say, "wow, it's like you are in my head!" That means the world to me. It means I understood them and I know what they want and how to get it.

I tell the truth, I do not exaggerate and I am honest with people about potential outcomes. My two motos are: 1. UNDER PROMISE AND OVER DELIVER and 2. EXPECT THE WORST AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. This works. It keeps expectations in check and I know I will provide quality work that will more than likely turn out in their benefit.

It's the practice of people, you have to incorporate some psychology into your job. The old grumpy drunk crazy attorney I used to work for told me he was great because he was a lifetime student. This is probably the best advice he ever gave me...Continuously brush up on the new trends in your field. Attend CLE seminars and just put some effort into it. I BELIEVE IN MY HEART THAT IF YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE IT IS NOT WORK----AND IF YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE THE MONEY WILL EITHER BE JUST ENOUGH OR MUCH MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE HOPED FOR.

I am not ashamed of my emotional/mental short comings. After 30 years of dealing with it, I have accepted it. I'm not always well and mostly because I am a highly sensitive person. BUT I always preserver and I always seek enlightenment and I work diligently to be a better person. So if you think I'm weak, or crazy or dumb--that is your ignorance because I am actually a very deep, intellectual person who wants nothing more than to be content, and I will be.

Here is the plan to destroy my negative/self hate--I found a psychologist. Not a therapist but a psychologist, I am meeting with her on Monday. Our goal will be to help me believe that I can do this and I can pass the bar. She will guide me and I will do the work. I have no doubt that I will be a KICK ASS attorney but the bar has me scared to death. The Doctor will Help me figure out how to love myself unconditionally, stop judging myself, and have some mother fucking confidence in myself. MY DAD LIED WHEN HE TOLD ME I WAS A PIECE OF SHIT AND I WILL LEARN TO BELIEVE THAT---VERY, VERY, SOON.


Megan said...

This is a beautiful post, and after all your hard work you certainly deserve to be happy in what you do! I will be sending you lots of good juju for the bar exam :) As far as barbri tips, just do everything they tell you! I started my job half way thru barbri, so I was working full time, then attending lectures at night and studying/flash carding during lunch breaks, after barbri when I didn’t pass out immediately, and on the weekends. It was insane, but ya just gotta put your head down and keep working. Also, know going into the exam that there will be questions you don’t know (one essay of mine was a total 'I have no fucking clue' moment, so I just made it up!) and try not to let that throw you. My motto was 'I can only do what I can do' so I worked as hard as I could, studied as much as I could, and thankfully, it was enough! I would also recommend giving yourself at least one small break from barbri over those 2 months so you don’t lose your mind. I took 4th of July weekend off, and looking back it was probably good for my brain.

My new job is as a publications attorney with for MN CLE. I knew I didn’t want to do litigation, and my background in English made this new job a perfect fit. I do legal editorial work on our Deskbooks (similar to CEB practice books) and work with our volunteer attorney authors to complete the books. I also plan and manage CLE seminars when they are attached to one of my books. I love it and couldn’t be happier.

Good luck with everything, I know you'll do great!

ps - dads dont know shit.

NK said...

'Karma' is very central to our Hindu philosophy. The basic advice from God being 'Do your job and do not think about the fruits(leave that for me to decide). Also, the thought of not wanting the fruit should not temp you to give up the Karma'.
(Its ironic though that belief in the existence of 'God' itself is not central to Hindu philosophy).
Years ago while reading Danial Goleman's 'Emotional Intelligence' I learnt how modern medical analysis (brain mapping and other analysis) has shown that worrying about the results(or worrying about anything for that matter) impacts ones (Brain's) ability to focus on task at hand.
Just keep chugging along, I am sure you'll be fine. All the best for your Bar exam.
(I am still wondering what you meant by 'Namastey Bitches' in your earlier post...which to me is a contradiction..or perhaps not).

JD-Maybe said...

OHMYGOSH MeyMey! That is wonderful. I would love to know about the products you guys offer. Practice guide stuff. Anyway, thank you for STILL reading my drama! And thank you for the bar tips, all the passers say the same thing as you. I'm not one to deviate from what works, so I will def. follow your advice! <3

JD-Maybe said...

Dear NK,
Unfortunately my off colored remark "namaste bitches" was lost on many. It was meant to be ironic...but I guess not appropriate. I love your perspective and I believe you are right. Additionally, I will most definitely check out the book you mentioned. My obsession is books! Keep sharing, and thanks for reading. Namaste friend!

NK said...

Hi JD,

I found 'Namaste Bitches' quite interesting :) and funny...may be we'll discuss this some other time.

take care.