Thursday, April 25, 2013

Good Point Sissy...

Several people have come to me in the last few days for the purposes of reconciliation!!! Crazy how this world works right? Anyway, my fear was that my sister would not approve of at least one reconciliation. So I discussed it with her, and my precious sissy said, "I am so proud of you for being open to forgiveness." All I needed was her blessing because my beef with some people involves her, indirectly.

To date, and since my last blog, my best friend and my cousin have reached out to me. Tomorrow I'm going to see my best friend and Sunday my cousin. I can't lie, I'm afraid because I love with my whole heart and when I open up to someone I become vulnerable. My sister says the difference between her and I, is that she has kids and a husband who are her #1. Whereas I, am just me, and so I give that extra love to those close to me. Inevitably the fallible human, takes advantage of my love and they disappoint and hurt me. She told me I need to learn to stay somewhat disconnected in order to preserve my heart.

Another very good, and smart point she made with regard to our ability to fess up when we fuck up is this: Both my sister and I were trained to be forthcoming when we fuck up. Our professions require it in order to avoid legal liabilities. She is an RN and in the last month has saved two lives under the age of 6! And me, well everyone knows if your lawyer fucks up its big trouble. But people are more likely to forgive you and NOT SUE you if you are honest and forthcoming. So, based on our education and training we have become accustomed to be straight with people. I asked her, why is it that my first instinct when I fuck up is to admit it and apologize? Other people deny shit, hide, and never look within themselves to see where they went wrong. My sister told me that we need to lead by example and also accept the fact that not everyone has the training and education we do. Therefore, human nature dictates other people's reactions or choices when faced with being caught doing stupid shit.

The first apology I received went like this: "I'm sorry you saw that, it was not meant for you to see." Ok, yes I know that it is none of MY business how others feel about me BUT...What if the person who is trashing you is like a sister to you and you have NO idea why they would say hateful mean things about you? Don't I have a right to be hurt and to ask, "what did I do to you to deserve your ill will towards me?"

The second apology, after I chewed on the first one, and without any prompting on my part, said, "I'm sorry I hurt you, I got caught up in some bs gossiping and it was wrong." Now that is what I'm talking about! We all gossip. It's normal, but if you got caught up, because you ARE human after all, at least have the heart to admit it. This second apology also included a heartfelt explanation about how she is continuously working on being a better person. She is already a good person. She just got caught up and I can totally appreciate that. I love her, and miss her terribly so I will open this door.

The other girl, well she is mad at me because I chose to not call in sick and get fired to go to Vegas with her. I was saving money for my bar exam sabbatical and helping my sister watch her kids at the time. It was bad timing. She decided to stop talking to me over it? I don't expect an apology from her but I do know that I won't expect to much from her period going forward.

It will be nice to reconnect with these people in this new phase of my life. Cheers to forgiveness!

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