Thursday, September 18, 2008

My Big Fat Ego...

I am better. 100%. No more erradic, emotional, freak outs that no one can understand. No more misdirected anger, no more meltdowns....not this week anyway.

Driving 50 miles ...each way...three days in a row after working all morning gives me lots of unwanted time to think. And thinking is dangerous. But today I did what I always do when I'm down and out...confused and disgruntled---I gave myself a pep talk. It is an obsessive habit of mine to figure out the root of my unhappiness, seek to understand it, accept it and move on.

The ego is a dangerous and ugly part of the human psyche. I really thought I knew better than to feed into that shit. The problem with being told what a peice of shit you are all of your life is that you grow up seeking approval from everyone and anyone. Unfortunately for me--my ego is the size of the U.S. any threat, no matter how slight, brings my pathetic world to a staggering halt. Unless I am #1, the queen, the best, the cutest, the fastest, the most efficient, the best I can be-- I am not ok. Law School is a rude awakening let me tell u. It has subtly stabbed at my fragile self concept for five long weeks and finally I sprung a leak. All of my feelings were chaotic and jumbled I just couldnt pin point the source. Toxic!

After my enlightenment tonight in the parking lot at school, as I choked down half a sandwich that had been sitting in my car for 2 hours, brushed my hair with the other hand and listened to my voice mail on speaker phone, in my 4 minute break in between classes, my sister called me and told me that my brand new neice (4 weeks old) is in the hospital with pneumonia. Which is quite serious at that age. Right then my free pass to the pity party of the year expired. Life slapped me in the face with a dose of raw reality. My poor sister, my best friend, is thousands of miles away, all alone dealing with a very sick baby. My sister is younger than me, the mother of four young children, a wife, a nursing student, keeps a job, and a house. She is amazing. My heart is heavy right now-- for her. It doesn't matter that people aren't stroking my big fat ugly ego and I'm not as great as I thought I was.

What matters is that there are people in this world with real problems. It's time I become more grateful for the opportunities that I have.

If I had one wish it would be that my neice responds to the antibiotics quickly and goes home tomorrow. Please god be with my sister and baby Abigail tonight.

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