Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Mom Hates Me

And she wont admit it. Talk about chicken shit. So I'm reading this book on how to be a normal human being and it told me to talk to my estranged parent. Here's a little background.

At the ripe ol' age of 17 my mom got knocked up with me. She had lived her entire adolescence in group homes because her own mother committed suicide when she was six. Apparently Gramma crazy had a severe case of diabetes and overdosed on meds. Who knows. I don't even know her name.

According to my dad and my aunt (dad's sister) my mom would not bond with me and wanted to give me up for adoption. My aunt told me that she walked in on my mom slapping me around when i was only a few weeks old. It occurred to me that walking to kindergarten (no less than 6 blocks away) at 4 years old in damp mis matched clothes (cuz mom didn't turn on the dryer) and no snack....might not be normal. The neglect continued throughout my life until I stopped it of course.

In first grade the teacher felt I was developmentally challenged and had me tested to see if I was "special" turns out I am ...just not in the way she thought. Third grade came along and the teachers were still concerned. There was no homework doing in my household EVER.

The ironic thing is throughout my childhood both of my parents were in college. They just didn't take an interest in seeing to it that my life was better than theirs. Without being to dramatic...one day around 21 years old I came to a fork in the road. It was either follow my mother or don't. I chose not to and here I am.

I have a freakin adorable car, a super handsome boyfriend, a beautiful cat, a nice house to live in, the best nail lady ever and I'm in law school.

I contacted my mom a few days ago and tried to engage her in a real super serious and honest conversation. She just kept saying, "you are the woman I always wanted you to be..I taught you what you know." WTF! NO YOU DIDN'T LADY...NO YOU DIDNT. YOU DONT GET TO TAKE CREDIT FOR ME.

I am the woman I am because of some very special people but they don't include her. I asked her to tell me why she hates me and all she could come up with was that I am condescending to her. Well to put that in context...any woman who says, "I can't vote for Hillary Clinton, her hair sucks." WILL NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY ME. I don't find her dumb girl act amusing or cute, not in the least. Other people may giggle but I think its just plain ignorant.

I told her I hated her because she became a hard core drug addict when I was about 18 years old. I moved out of the family home at 15 but was still affected by her behavior. Especially when her drunk boyfriends would show up at MY house at 1am banging on the door. Or when I would have to buy her shampoo because she spent all her money on drugs.

She said to me, "I hope it's not to late to be a role model to you." YES LADY IT'S TOO LATE!
I said, "thats where you have this all wrong, I dont need a role model anymore I need a mom, someone who I can call and be all silly with and talk about girl stuff with. You wanted to be my friend when I was a delinquent and THATS WHEN I NEEDED A ROLE MODEL."

So apparently the issue is not resolved and clearly I am still angry although I thought I was totally numb to her. The issue here is that MY MOTHER DOESNT KNOW WHO I AM. And that my friends is realllllllll sad.

The end.


Nichicakes said...

Most people I know don't have a relationship with their mothers (or fathers) as adults. But in a way she is responsible for who you are, because YOU busted your ass to make sure you weren't ever going to be like HER. She sounds like the anti-roll model.
And I don't think any mom (good or bad) could ever admit to themselves or their child for that matter that they hate them.

JD-Maybe said...

Sometimes I wish people would stop holding back their feelings because they think it will make them a bad person if they say it out loud.

If you feel a certain way and you are ashamed of that feeling then try to understand it but dont lie about it!

je said...

Man, good for you for facing this shit with your mom. I mean, not that it's all gonna work out and be unicorns and rainbows and all that, but if nothing else, you're dealing with your anger toward her and getting to express it to her. I know that with me, getting to face some of the rage I felt toward my parents once I was an adult (and I didn't go through half of what you've described) really helped me to move past it and deal with my parents with a different (lower) set of expectations. Plus it felt damn good to call my mom on some of the things she did that really pissed me off.