Saturday, October 22, 2011

Break Up- Day One

"Making a damn fool of yourself is absolutely essential. So, whatever you want to do, just do it. Dont be stifled by fear of a good mistake." Gloria Steinmen

Yesterday, I woke up at 1:00 p.m. I only had till 3:30 pm to make my "clean" exit. Law School Boy would be home from work ANY minute. OMG, where do I start, I felt like I couldn't do anything, I was frozen. This was it, today was the deadline, I had to get up and get out NOW, so I did.

My BMW was stuffed with luggage and misc. bags and other containers I could scrounge up to collect my measly belongings. No more fancy dinners, now I have to take care of myself. He has made me handicapped in a way. Tough shit I climbed my stupid ass into the attic (which i would never have done) grabbed all the suitcases, did a couple loads of laundry and cleaned up a bit.

By 3:24. soaking wet in sweat and no shower, didn't even brush my teeth---I was on my way out. But to where? That I did not figure out yet. My thought was that if I planned something and then later changed my mind, which I frequently do, I would be embarrassed. So I went to CVS got some water, refilled my psycho meds (a must right now) and started texting those closest to me. HELP!

Last night was ok, I teared up a few times but mostly out of guilt and a little fear. Leaving a guy who has so many good qualities and has been nothing but good to me and having to start all over again at 33!

My job is about breaking up, in a way I am immune to the emotional parts of it. It's all I see and hear all day at work and it doesn't phase me at all.

Here's the thing there are some fundamental differences between LSBoy and I..Things that are so important to my CORE and my SOUL that without those things I am not living. Today I feel alive. I don't feel lonely and I may still be in shock, I don't know. What I do know are the following feelings I had today that I have not had in years:

1. Freedom-no burdens, no ties, no responsibilities other than the usual
2. The sweetest happiest giggle and smile from a baby at the library that I smiled at--pure joy
3. I walked my sisters dog to the park and held hands with my niece the whole time.
4. I had a long wonderful, loving talk with my mom
5. I ate a delicious breakfast with my sister and her family

I feel like 100lbs have been lifted from my shoulders, but that weight includes my heart and I am empty there right now. Here's to a semi painless recovery. Hope he's ok! Hope I did the right thing.

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