Sunday, November 20, 2011

Peaceful..that's all

Today I am going to the bookstore. It has been a few weeks since I have graced it with my presence. The wardrobe for today will be warm and super cozy, I'll grab some coffee and spend hours lost in books. It truly is my favorite thing to do.

Before LSBoy and I started dating I was kind of miserable, so I can't blame him entirely. In fact I have battled with depression since I was about 11 years old. My belief is that we are mostly a product of our environment and them our biological make up just tops it off. The problem is that LSBoy exasperated my misery and did not foster growth, which was not his job anyway. Truth be told we were broken in a lot of the same ways. In fact his mother reminds me a lot of myself and his ex girlfriend is like my younger twin sister from a different life, it is very odd---except she appears to be normal.

My mother was an orphan, a real one. My father wanted to save her. He knocked her up at the ripe old age of 17--and then there I was. She didn't know how to be a mother, she didn't want me. According to my lovely family members who share the tragic stories with me, like it is not me they are talking about, she tried to give me up. The family folklore that was my childhood,is that my dad wouldn't allow her to give me up. From there I remember a lot of verbal abuse and neglect. But you know what, everyone has a story! EVERY PERSON ON THIS EARTH HAS A STORY. My story is no better or worse than anyone else.

The problem with MY story is that I was weak and I allowed my upbringing to kill my self esteem. I believed them when they told me I was a piece of shit, I believed them when they told me they wished I was never born, and I believed them when they told me I would never amount to anything. It wasn't strange to me that I didn't have to do homework. My parents absence in my life was normal to me. NO parent teacher conferences, no soccer games, no girl scouts or cheer leading---nothing. Coming to school late or not going at all was no big deal to me. There was no accountability. In fact I'll quote my mother, "What you do in high school will never matter later in life." I took those words literally and became a juvenile delinquent.

Those stories--- I wont share, but lets just say I was a very bad little girl. SO WHAT! LET IT GO, MOVE ON. Ok, I will, I am going to try. The thing is when I'm feeling inadequate or insecure it's not like I sit down and think, "you only feel this way because your parents were assholes, it's not your fault." That is not how my mind works. The feelings and thoughts are ingrained in my soul, my being--it is how I define myself. One has to physically work to get the false beliefs to the surface and destroy them. OR, you can live on, being self destructive and hating yourself. I chose to destroy them and I'm ready to work and fight to find out what a normal me is like.

To their credit, my mother has become a wonderful woman. She is the best nana a little kid could wish for. And she is sorry, and she didn't know any better and I forgive her. My dad, well I forgive him too, mostly.

Ok thats enough-- but that is why Im going to the bookstore because it makes me very very very peaceful. I'm hungry to be happy and I think my soul is ready now.

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