Saturday, November 5, 2011

Sentiment-"A romantic or nostalgic feeling"

Most people "going through" a break-up experience this dreadful feeling of nostalgia over E V E R Y single person, place or thing that they come across during the healing period. What if that doesn't happen? What if maybe you say certain things because it's automatic but you don't reallllly feel it?

LSBoy and I spent almost 3 years together and we did A LOT of "projects" together. He purchased multiple homes, which we renovated and rented out. Hours and hours and hours of hard fucking work. Tearing up floors, granite, fixtures, paint, landscaping, you name it we did it. BUT we did not ever have "moments" there was no gazing into eachother's eyes, no butterflies, no moments in time where I experienced that connection that fills you with love and makes you crazy. How fucking sad is that.

My sister currently lives in one of the homes LSBoy and I renovated and she is going to purchase the home. However, she made a comment yesterday that she wouldn't buy the home if it would make me uncomfortable. In other words she wanted to make sure that I could be at her house without being miserable. I didn't even hesitate...Of course not! I am totally comfortable here.

Don't get me wrong I feel lonely--at times. For example last night I was very lonely but instead of being self destructive and going out to drink and flirt with random guys---I stayed in with my sister and went to bed early. Woke up bright and early without a single regret! Thank god!

Sometimes I wonder if I say "i'd move mountains for him" or that "I love him with all of my heart" just because I should feel that way. You see LSBoy has changed me. I have learned so much practical shit from him. He was a loyal friend and he took care of me when I was in a VERY dark place. I sometimes wonder if that dark place was exasperated by our relationship--in fact I'm pretty sure it was. LSBoy is a gentle person, he is a genius and he would do anything for anyone. But he can't love. He is incapable of experiencing intimacy. I guess he doesn't care because he doesn't know what he is missing. It was brought to my attention that based on his extraordinary skills in EVERY single thing he does, and his robotic emotional reactions he may have Asperger syndrome. Well, I am grateful to him for all I have learned from him and I still do not know what the future holds for us,if anything. But I wish him true love, peace, and happiness.


Rachael Parker said...

This is rather depressing. You never once felt strongly for him and you stayed three whole years.

Anonymous said...

U know u really have a talent for writing. U should put all these thoughts of yrs in print.

JD-Maybe said...

@Rachel its actually quite liberating to be free! I was in law school so with or without him I had to study--that was the top priority. I did not waste one minute because he taught me A LOT

@Anonymous: Thank you!