Monday, January 23, 2012

If you could only see how green her eyes are when she says.....

Today was a day of clarity for me. So many things emerged to the surface and came out of my head and onto a peice of paper. I always knew that writing makes me feel better and helps me sort out the chaos in my mind. Truth is, I am plagued by a disease--a common disease, depression. I eat clean, I work out, I'm spiritual, I generally wish others well and I try to be a productive member of society and it's never enough.

Three hours of remedies was spent just draining my darkness onto that piece of paper, I just prayed the teacher wouldn't call on me because I had tears in my eyes the whole time. But it felt SO GOOD! Who the hell am I to be sad? I have it all, people would kill to have my life and there I am --sad and ungrateful. Not on purpose though, I am sick. My mind is not well and it's not entirely within my control ALL THE TIME. Most of the time it is my responsibility to work it out and move on but sometimes it gets the best of me.

I decided today, that I need to go to therapy. Whoa big epiphany, right? Well actually it was because I finally figured out why I can not find a therapist that I like. The one therapist that "cured" my hate towards my mom is just too damn far away. But she has known me for about ten years and has saved my life twice, literally. Anyway, I figured out today that I am too smart and self aware for just any "counselor" I need a doctor, I need someone with an advanced education that can relate to my troubles and my level of self analysis. Because to be quite honest, without sounding arrogant, I have spent endless hours reading and researching different human behaviors so when a person comes at me with the hierarchy of needs or some sophomoric bullshit like that, I lose hope. So tomorrow I will find a psychologist, who at least has a PHD if not an MD. I know I can talk myself through this transition with the right "inspiration" and only a highly educated person will be able to keep up with my psycho babble. Done! Problem solved!

Next, I want to remind myself, by way of this post, of a great love I once had. I have had the pleasure of falling in love FOUR times! Which to me is remarkable considering many have never fallen in love even once. Anyway, this fella's name is Kissy Face. Kissy face and I first met in junior high school--he was a huge dork so of course I was nice to him but not too friendly. What was interesting about Kissy Face was that he was BEST friends with all of the prettiest girls--gay right? Nope, he wasn't gay, he was smart. The years were kind to Kissy Face, he blossomed, although late into a super handsome, tall young man. One day after high school I was shopping at Millers OUtpost (remember that place!!!) and he was working there. I did a double take, I was like wow, what a cutie. Mind you I went to college late in life so at this point I was at the height of my delinquency at the ripe age of 20. He walked up to me and I instantly got butterflys. It didn't take long, because I always get what I want--he became my 2nd love of my life. What reminded me of all of this is that today, 13 years later, that sweet boy still loves me.

The love that Kissy Face and I had was an all consuming soul to soul love that I felt so much and so deep that I literally cried, thinking about how much I loved him. We were 100% connected in every way. He read my mind and he loved me so much. He bought me flowers every single friday, he sang songs to me, he told me I was beautiful 100 times a day. And he was beautiful too. The problem is that I got very scared of the intimacy and broke it off. Some very tragic events happened to him and resulted in him getting involved with the wrong people and subsequently developing a serious drug addition. He even ended up If you could only see my eyes....

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