When I don't post for periods of time that is when the real shit is happening and I am so into my own mind I can't write.
As of today, there are exactly six days until Bar results come out. Managing my emotions and mind is a full time job. I spend every waking hour trying to figure out how I will get through each day. Anxiety is pumping through my veins like toxic poison.
My feelings are mine and to all the outsiders who say things like: "I know you passed." or "If you didn't pass you do it again." "you are smart I'm sure you are fine." STOP! STOP! STOP!
Imagine spending half of your life working toward a specific goal. A goal that is pretty hard to achieve. It requires self awareness, diligence, hard work, and gut wrenching studying. Your whole career depends on this one stupid test. Only half of all takers pass. You wait 4 months for results. Purgatory.
Failing is a severe financial hardship. You have to pay for the test, the hotel, and try to get time off work. Who pays the bills while you are off work? Do you get fired because that "associate position" can't wait another 6 months for you to re-take and get results? Does your mentor lose faith in you? Do you lose faith in you? Can that blow to the ego ever be mended?
My self medicating: In order to keep myself distracted, I've taken to serial dating. Last week for example I went on a date 5 out of 7 days and today is day 7. I actually have two potential dates lined up. Im exhausted. Tired of talking. I don't like talking about myself so I just sit there. Then you meet the church goers...if I spoke they would run to church. I'm bad to the core.
Dating is fun if you are actually looking for love but I'm not. So it's a chore and I dread each one. I suppose these fellas do a good enough job of inflating my super fragile ego but that only lasts so long. Then I'm empty again, feeling inadequate and afraid that I failed.
There are more productive ways to distract yourself. It's also pretty inappropriate to rely on men to make you feel good. That's just how I do things. Every girl wants to feel beautiful and if that's all I got right now, so be it. For my friends who read these to check up on me, I am ok. The worst is over. Soon, I'll know what the next step is and I'll be ok.
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2 comments:
I don't care that you don't want to hear this, and I've earned the right to say it after experiencing purgatory myself: Stop with the negativity. It is a pointless and damaging frame of mind. You have already accomplished so much, and you are destined to accomplish so much more. People love and care about you and your mental state. We will never lose faith in you, so for God's sake have a little faith in yourself. Wallowing in misery of the unknown is a huge waste of time. Go to the gym. I <3 you.
I decided to give dating a chance and it's going okay. It is exhausting though. I over-think it like all things. I don't know what I want out of it. It just feels like I 'should' be doing it. I mean, I know 'why' I am doing it, of course....but...
You're right...you can't put your achievement of happiness in somebody else's hands...it's got to come from within (oh god, here I go on my self-helpy crap again, shoot me)
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